Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Pretty Lady"

Well, I guess one of the (major) things that I wanted to get out there & work through, discuss and explore is something that only four people currently know about me- Crystal, Dustin, Matt & Susan.

That is that I (consciously) discovered earlier this year that I am not 'straight', as society likes to label. I am, in fact, bi. I say consciously, because looking back at my past thoughts & behaviors, I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner. For one small example, for as long as I can remember, I've always pointed my boyfriend's (or various guy friends) attentions to pretty girls that would walk by & go into earnest discussions about whether one was 'hot', was pretty or had a great ass or whatnot..which tended to be well-recieved, as you could guess!

Or, in another example - although, I'm not quite for sure how to explain it.. If I felt a lady was attractive, and I felt some sort of unexplainable connection with her, I'd always refer to her as 'pretty lady' in passing without a second thought about it. Although, that hasn't happened very often. In fact that has only happened three times total that I can think of - and all pretty recently. Two of them I actually work with, Ashley & Danielle. The third being Crystal. (Maybe I'll go more into depth about things that I've learned with the help of her later on.. when I'm ready to & if the right time presents itself.)

The practice of using the 'pretty lady' endearment was a totally unconscious one to me until four-ish months ago. And I remember the day that it was brought to light. I was working behind my counter at work when Dustin walked by right after Danielle had walked away. He asked something to the effect of if there was any reason that I had called her 'pretty lady'- if there was any meaning behind it, or if it was just something I said. I don't remember how I responded, but I do remember realizing that it wasn't just empty talk.. I was attracted to her, I just hadn't put two & two together. I'll point out to you, dear reader, that at this time I hadn't realized that I wasn't anything but straight. It hadn't crossed my mind in the slightest. I later found out, that she is lesbian.. not that that is here nor there. For a few months afterward, I saw her as just 'Danielle', a pretty chic (with admittedly a nice bum), who was into women. Recently, as in the last week or two.. if I am to be honest- and if I am not being honest then why I am writing this?- I've been noticing her more and wanting to make an effort to talk to her more & build some sort of rapport more than just co-workers. However, I don't see anything else happening.

Moving on, and thinking more about the topic of society's labels of 'straight', 'bi', 'gay', etc... I think instead of these labels, we should all just realize something that I've believed for years. What a person looks like on the outside, (how they identify themselves, what 'equipement' they have,) shouldn't matter in the slightest. It should be the person's soul that identifies who they are, and we should love them for that & not their physical characteristics..

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