Huh. I just found out last night that my ex-fiance' passed away. I don't know what to think about it. I mean, it was a horrid relationship and things didn't end well. But still, he was a fellow human being, too young to go. And he was a big part of my life, a long time ago.
Aren't we too young for this yet??
R.I.P. Jay, you'll be missed.
(Oh, and since I hadn't had the chance to write about it, the first thing was that my aunt's husband passed away the end of last week.. :-( )
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Inspiration for the New Year
My Facebook status from earlier: "is about to throw out what is wasteful and abandon unsuccessful situations, replacing them with something more solid and useful... Including both material and immaterial things. (Perfect time to be inspired for such a movement, with the new year tomorrow!)"
This year was something else, especially relationship-wise. Certain people that I was sure would move on, (and I was told by others that it was inevitable,) haven't. At the same time, people I thought I was close to and didn't foresee an ending or fading from have gone down other paths in life-ranging from moving cross country to having new babies to new relationships. Not really any one's fault, per se', but these changes tend to affect people and the way they can spend their time and attention. Which is totally understandable and I'm happy for my friends and the new opportunities coming their way, but also saddened by the fact of the distance and lacking closeness.
This year did bring about a few surprising developments in friendships, from closeness with people I've known for years casually to awesome friends that I've made just in the last year.
I think one of my New Year's resolutions is to let go of my hopes for remaining as close to some people as I've been in the past when my efforts aren't returned and instead, spend my energy building my friendships of those in my life's present day. Not to say that I'll cut them out of my life entirely-but that I should stop living in the past and look ahead to the future and where things are now.
Really, I guess it just comes down to that I'm done bending over backwards to keep certain people in my life. It comes down to one simple truth...either I matter to them or I don't. And the last six months have really helped to show me which category most of my friend's and acquaintances fall into.
I wish all of my friends, family, acquaintances and blog readers a Happy New Year, and that you can accomplish everything you want and have the best time of your life!
This year was something else, especially relationship-wise. Certain people that I was sure would move on, (and I was told by others that it was inevitable,) haven't. At the same time, people I thought I was close to and didn't foresee an ending or fading from have gone down other paths in life-ranging from moving cross country to having new babies to new relationships. Not really any one's fault, per se', but these changes tend to affect people and the way they can spend their time and attention. Which is totally understandable and I'm happy for my friends and the new opportunities coming their way, but also saddened by the fact of the distance and lacking closeness.
This year did bring about a few surprising developments in friendships, from closeness with people I've known for years casually to awesome friends that I've made just in the last year.
I think one of my New Year's resolutions is to let go of my hopes for remaining as close to some people as I've been in the past when my efforts aren't returned and instead, spend my energy building my friendships of those in my life's present day. Not to say that I'll cut them out of my life entirely-but that I should stop living in the past and look ahead to the future and where things are now.
Really, I guess it just comes down to that I'm done bending over backwards to keep certain people in my life. It comes down to one simple truth...either I matter to them or I don't. And the last six months have really helped to show me which category most of my friend's and acquaintances fall into.
I wish all of my friends, family, acquaintances and blog readers a Happy New Year, and that you can accomplish everything you want and have the best time of your life!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
30 Things you may or may not know about me..
1.)Music isn't just a hobby for me, it's the force of life
2.)I don't believe that we were supposed to have monogamous relationships
3.)If we do have soul mates, I truly believe I met him in the last few years, but he is already taken
4.)I've really been a life-long Michael Jackson fan, learning Thriller before I could even put together full sentences
5.)I've shown major signs of trichotillomania since the third grade
6.)I have severe anxiety, especially concerning leaving the house
7.)I have CNA training
8.)I think a BK Whopper meal is the perfect dinner (or lunch..or breakfast)
9.)Jason Michael Carroll's voice makes me melt
10.)Too much milk products makes me sick :-(
11.)I love, love, LOVE the water. I love showers, I love the rain, I love the beach.
12.)An ex-boyfriend used to refer to me as his 'water princess'.
13.)I'm a HUGE Jackass fan. I can't decide which dude I like best- Knoxville, Steve-O or Bam.
14.)I don't currently have a favorite color-I do like red, also purple, and green...
15.)I HATE the color blue!
16.)I've worked at the same Wal-mart for going on nine years
17.)I love my friends, adore who I date. There's one exception, but it's not meant to be.
18.)I'm working (slowly) on a book/novelette
19.)M*A*S*H is my all-time favorite TV show
20.)'Enter Sandman' makes me feel all warm inside
21.)Music is like breathing to me
22.)I have a nice electric guitar, but no clue how to play it as of yet :-(
23.)I've been best friends with Jenn for almnost twenty-one years, I've known Josh for just a little bit longer than that.
24.)I almost moved to Texas and got married at age twenty, thank god THAT didn't work out!
25.)Usually can't stand ego-stroking people, there's only the rare few that I will do it for.
26.)I miss playing the flute.
27.)I can't cook to save my life-and I can't even make jello!
28.)I love the little gestures people do waaayyy more than extravagant ones.
29.)I have to fall asleep on my side curled up with either my head on Nick's shoulder or with my hand under my pillow and head.
30.)I have been trying to gain weight since high school (graduated weighing 92 pounds-now at 122).
*and a bonus.. I'm a sucker for anything '80's. The music was awesome and I even love the fashion!*
2.)I don't believe that we were supposed to have monogamous relationships
3.)If we do have soul mates, I truly believe I met him in the last few years, but he is already taken
4.)I've really been a life-long Michael Jackson fan, learning Thriller before I could even put together full sentences
5.)I've shown major signs of trichotillomania since the third grade
6.)I have severe anxiety, especially concerning leaving the house
7.)I have CNA training
8.)I think a BK Whopper meal is the perfect dinner (or lunch..or breakfast)
9.)Jason Michael Carroll's voice makes me melt
10.)Too much milk products makes me sick :-(
11.)I love, love, LOVE the water. I love showers, I love the rain, I love the beach.
12.)An ex-boyfriend used to refer to me as his 'water princess'.
13.)I'm a HUGE Jackass fan. I can't decide which dude I like best- Knoxville, Steve-O or Bam.
14.)I don't currently have a favorite color-I do like red, also purple, and green...
15.)I HATE the color blue!
16.)I've worked at the same Wal-mart for going on nine years
17.)I love my friends, adore who I date. There's one exception, but it's not meant to be.
18.)I'm working (slowly) on a book/novelette
19.)M*A*S*H is my all-time favorite TV show
20.)'Enter Sandman' makes me feel all warm inside
21.)Music is like breathing to me
22.)I have a nice electric guitar, but no clue how to play it as of yet :-(
23.)I've been best friends with Jenn for almnost twenty-one years, I've known Josh for just a little bit longer than that.
24.)I almost moved to Texas and got married at age twenty, thank god THAT didn't work out!
25.)Usually can't stand ego-stroking people, there's only the rare few that I will do it for.
26.)I miss playing the flute.
27.)I can't cook to save my life-and I can't even make jello!
28.)I love the little gestures people do waaayyy more than extravagant ones.
29.)I have to fall asleep on my side curled up with either my head on Nick's shoulder or with my hand under my pillow and head.
30.)I have been trying to gain weight since high school (graduated weighing 92 pounds-now at 122).
*and a bonus.. I'm a sucker for anything '80's. The music was awesome and I even love the fashion!*
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Pivotal Point Between 'Like' and 'Love'
Okay. I've been thinking about relationships, and love. The latter, as you may recall, I am not in a believing state of right now.
More specifically, I've been wondering about what makes a person go from 'liking' someone to 'loving' them? I know it's not a conscious decision or, dear lord, shouldn't be, but what mentally 'clicks' and makes the leap?
Like, my ex-fiance. Nope, never did love him. I think the whole, 'Dating a month, he gives me a promise ring..dating three months he tries giving me an engagement ring (which I managed to refuse for at least a year..), going psychotic and stalking me when I tried breaking it off, yeah that didn't lend well to the cause.
Or the guy I dated before that, which was the complete opposite for me. I had just started working at Wal-Mart. He was an unloader, who I kinda flirted with back and forth with for a little while. Then, I remember it pretty clearly, (scary how so, really,). I was looking at the schedule board after a break, and he came up to me and said, "You know, I've not done this before, but would you like to have dinner this weekend?"
Knowing him since, I totally call b.s. on this one (not doing it before), but I didn't know any better then! Anyway..
A couple months later, we were dating. We went to break together. After break, when we were going in two different directions to work, I wasn't thinking about anything consciously, when I said, "Love you, later!"
And we BOTH stopped in our tracks. Me, because apparently something went haywire in my brain and him, because well, that's obvious. He asked, "What did you just say?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all. I should go to work now.." I tried to just move on from that.. but he wouldn't let me for a few minutes.. evil, evil bastard had too much fun with it. Fast forward a bit of dating history, and..
Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. We're friends now, and it's kind of scary he's evolved into a married family guy.. totally at odds with what I knew him as in the beginning!
Now, back from memory lane to the topic at hand. How does it work for you? Do you sit down and think about things? Do you just follow your heart and exclude your brain?
Are you like me, and don't let yourself believe in it? Or are you the total opposite, and fall right away?
I'm so very curious, and people fascinate me. I'd love your input, dear friends!
More specifically, I've been wondering about what makes a person go from 'liking' someone to 'loving' them? I know it's not a conscious decision or, dear lord, shouldn't be, but what mentally 'clicks' and makes the leap?
Like, my ex-fiance. Nope, never did love him. I think the whole, 'Dating a month, he gives me a promise ring..dating three months he tries giving me an engagement ring (which I managed to refuse for at least a year..), going psychotic and stalking me when I tried breaking it off, yeah that didn't lend well to the cause.
Or the guy I dated before that, which was the complete opposite for me. I had just started working at Wal-Mart. He was an unloader, who I kinda flirted with back and forth with for a little while. Then, I remember it pretty clearly, (scary how so, really,). I was looking at the schedule board after a break, and he came up to me and said, "You know, I've not done this before, but would you like to have dinner this weekend?"
Knowing him since, I totally call b.s. on this one (not doing it before), but I didn't know any better then! Anyway..
A couple months later, we were dating. We went to break together. After break, when we were going in two different directions to work, I wasn't thinking about anything consciously, when I said, "Love you, later!"
And we BOTH stopped in our tracks. Me, because apparently something went haywire in my brain and him, because well, that's obvious. He asked, "What did you just say?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all. I should go to work now.." I tried to just move on from that.. but he wouldn't let me for a few minutes.. evil, evil bastard had too much fun with it. Fast forward a bit of dating history, and..
Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. We're friends now, and it's kind of scary he's evolved into a married family guy.. totally at odds with what I knew him as in the beginning!
Now, back from memory lane to the topic at hand. How does it work for you? Do you sit down and think about things? Do you just follow your heart and exclude your brain?
Are you like me, and don't let yourself believe in it? Or are you the total opposite, and fall right away?
I'm so very curious, and people fascinate me. I'd love your input, dear friends!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Photo Challenge: Day Eleven
A picture of something you love.. Dear readers, meet my adorable, little fluff ball Cloud!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Teardrops On My Guitar-Taylor Swift
"...She better hold him tight/Give him all her love/Look in those beautiful eyes/And know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar/The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star/He's the song in the car I keep singing/Don't know why I do..."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Close-mindedness is great material for laughing fits!
*laughing to myself*
I find it a riot the people's reactions when they hear about my dating arrangement. I'm talking about the reactions they have, that they don't even realize~before they become aware and mask them.
Another example was just today. *laughing again as I remember it*. I was at work, when my Aunt and her 'lovely' friend came up behind me. This is the same friend of hers that I cannot stand, she's very loud, opinionated (which would be fine if she had any sort of facts or anything to back them up), and just tries to bowl over you in conversation whenever you try to offer up your own ideas. This is also the same lady that has on a few occasions tried to get my mother fired by pretending she was stiffed in some way or wasn't helped fast enough. She's done the same thing to me once or twice as well..Not even cool, especially when we've known this lady forever.
Anyway. They came up behind me as I was working on resetting the costume jewelry. They were both in the motorized carts, (that I truly believe neither one needs.. they just like the special 'aide'.) We start chit-chatting how they don't like the new store arrangement, how my department has shrunk, yadayada.
Then the funny part. My aunt goes, "I really like your necklace!" To which, I went, "Oh yeah. you don't know about my dating thing yet, huh?'"
'No.... I haven't heard.' She replied.
"My boyfriend's wife gave me this. She actually gave me quite a few pieces of jewelry a couple days ago of stuff that she didn't want anymore."
*commence the few seconds of jaw dropping.*
(Internally I am just cracking up at this point. It's freakin' hilarious to me, that in this century people are still so set on the one on one 'traditional' man-woman one on one relationship/marriage.)
Then my Aunt's friend started to say all sorts of off the wall things, and assumptions to which I was going to start defending, but realized it would just be pointless, so I acted like I REALLY needed to get back to work right then.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And, for the record, I just want to say.. it's just like any other dating relationship. He just has a wife is all. He's awesome to me, gives me all the attention I need, there's usually constant texting, hanging out, takes me out occasionally.. and if you look at the guys I've dated in the past, (one psychotic stalker ex-fiance', one drunkard with sticky fingers and other DEEP issues, and two boyfriends that went to other chicks and got them pregnant while we were supposedly dating 'exclusively', just to name a few;) then he's a real good catch. And it's been about nine months now.. so SOMETHING'S being done right!
(and yes, she knows he has girlfriends.. If I understand correctly, she's the one that gave him permission in the first place to date!)
I find it a riot the people's reactions when they hear about my dating arrangement. I'm talking about the reactions they have, that they don't even realize~before they become aware and mask them.
Another example was just today. *laughing again as I remember it*. I was at work, when my Aunt and her 'lovely' friend came up behind me. This is the same friend of hers that I cannot stand, she's very loud, opinionated (which would be fine if she had any sort of facts or anything to back them up), and just tries to bowl over you in conversation whenever you try to offer up your own ideas. This is also the same lady that has on a few occasions tried to get my mother fired by pretending she was stiffed in some way or wasn't helped fast enough. She's done the same thing to me once or twice as well..Not even cool, especially when we've known this lady forever.
Anyway. They came up behind me as I was working on resetting the costume jewelry. They were both in the motorized carts, (that I truly believe neither one needs.. they just like the special 'aide'.) We start chit-chatting how they don't like the new store arrangement, how my department has shrunk, yadayada.
Then the funny part. My aunt goes, "I really like your necklace!" To which, I went, "Oh yeah. you don't know about my dating thing yet, huh?'"
'No.... I haven't heard.' She replied.
"My boyfriend's wife gave me this. She actually gave me quite a few pieces of jewelry a couple days ago of stuff that she didn't want anymore."
*commence the few seconds of jaw dropping.*
(Internally I am just cracking up at this point. It's freakin' hilarious to me, that in this century people are still so set on the one on one 'traditional' man-woman one on one relationship/marriage.)
Then my Aunt's friend started to say all sorts of off the wall things, and assumptions to which I was going to start defending, but realized it would just be pointless, so I acted like I REALLY needed to get back to work right then.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And, for the record, I just want to say.. it's just like any other dating relationship. He just has a wife is all. He's awesome to me, gives me all the attention I need, there's usually constant texting, hanging out, takes me out occasionally.. and if you look at the guys I've dated in the past, (one psychotic stalker ex-fiance', one drunkard with sticky fingers and other DEEP issues, and two boyfriends that went to other chicks and got them pregnant while we were supposedly dating 'exclusively', just to name a few;) then he's a real good catch. And it's been about nine months now.. so SOMETHING'S being done right!
(and yes, she knows he has girlfriends.. If I understand correctly, she's the one that gave him permission in the first place to date!)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?
With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.
But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?
I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.
But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?
I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Having a hard time getting over someone..
I wish I could rewind time, and make up with someone that I spent many an awesome time with last year.. but I can't. And it sucks.
My best friend told me that it'd get better, and I'd move past it, and it's his loss. But seriously, she's been my best friend for twenty years, she's a bit biased and is supposed to say stuff like that.
How do others in this situation move on, and forget about someone? I can't see how others do it, pretend that someone else just doesn't exist anymore and have no urge to talk to them or to try to make things better and move on.
Constructive suggestions are totally welcome...
My best friend told me that it'd get better, and I'd move past it, and it's his loss. But seriously, she's been my best friend for twenty years, she's a bit biased and is supposed to say stuff like that.
How do others in this situation move on, and forget about someone? I can't see how others do it, pretend that someone else just doesn't exist anymore and have no urge to talk to them or to try to make things better and move on.
Constructive suggestions are totally welcome...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Greater of two evils?
I can't decide which is worse 'evil' in life: the endings that come abruptly and you have no idea they are gonna happen until after they do (and you're left feeling like you were sideswiped in a hit and run); or the times when things drag on and on, way past when 'goodbye' should have been said, (because neither party wants to throw in the towel even though it's for the best)?
Friday, January 28, 2011
New Year, but same rut :(
I've been thinking lately, and wondering how I could have so screwed up a friendship with someone that I care about deeply so badly that it seems far past being fixable?
It seems the more I try to make amends, the worse it becomes. Every time, I think there's no possible way to make it worse~somehow I do.
We just had such AMAZING chemistry and got along wonderfully from the first time we met.. most people who know me, know I don't allow myself to feel much for others or believe in 'soul mates', but with this person I felt like I had known him for centuries, and through many past lives... And there's only been a few people, friends or otherwise, who I've EVER felt that way about.. and I am still friends with them, after 10-15-20 years. But somehow, in nine months time, I went from actually meeting him on here to being de-friended by him in both real-life and apparently on facebook..
I don't know..maybe I am just a sucky friend.. too selfish, self-centered? Is there no hope for me? It seems to me that he's already moved on from even our friendship, and I'm stuck moping for what I wrecked. I know there are far too many situations I could'a handled better, things I could;a explained better, or even said at all..
He always made me tongue-tied though, made my heart skip a beat.. and I am so very sorry for the horribly way I treated him. I miss his friendship :(
It seems the more I try to make amends, the worse it becomes. Every time, I think there's no possible way to make it worse~somehow I do.
We just had such AMAZING chemistry and got along wonderfully from the first time we met.. most people who know me, know I don't allow myself to feel much for others or believe in 'soul mates', but with this person I felt like I had known him for centuries, and through many past lives... And there's only been a few people, friends or otherwise, who I've EVER felt that way about.. and I am still friends with them, after 10-15-20 years. But somehow, in nine months time, I went from actually meeting him on here to being de-friended by him in both real-life and apparently on facebook..
I don't know..maybe I am just a sucky friend.. too selfish, self-centered? Is there no hope for me? It seems to me that he's already moved on from even our friendship, and I'm stuck moping for what I wrecked. I know there are far too many situations I could'a handled better, things I could;a explained better, or even said at all..
He always made me tongue-tied though, made my heart skip a beat.. and I am so very sorry for the horribly way I treated him. I miss his friendship :(
Friday, January 7, 2011
Not here, nope. Not feelin' it
oh crap.. no, no, feelings are not allowed to be felt or even to develop in any capacity. this is no good, and will only lead to hurt and pain, and falling off a cliff (you know, like mentally..not physically.. that'd be freakin' bad..) *knocks my head against the table*
Saturday, January 1, 2011
98 Degrees- The Hardest Thing
This is playing pretty regularly in my head.. reminiscent of a situation that is ongoing in my life right now.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..
I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Just between me and you.. (as in the rest of the world)...
After many months of being locked out of my blog, I was trying to figure out how to remember my login details by clicking around various links on blogger/google. And, lo & behold, somehow I got it to work again. I'm not quite for sure how I managed that, but I thought I was making a new account/new blog.. but it took me back this one!
So, yeah, I will finally have a place to vent and express my true thoughts/feelings/observations and I can stop doing it on Facebook again. ('Cause, admit it.. drama/'real life' problems on facebook is just plain annoying.)
I'm not planning on telling those few people who actually pay attention to my writing/blogging activities that I managed to access this and begin writing again though. If they happen across it, then all the better. But, if I consciously tell them, then I will be VERY aware of what I write, and that will hinder my internal 'purging' process.. and that's not helpful in the whole scheme of things, don't you agree, dear reader?
So, yeah, I will finally have a place to vent and express my true thoughts/feelings/observations and I can stop doing it on Facebook again. ('Cause, admit it.. drama/'real life' problems on facebook is just plain annoying.)
I'm not planning on telling those few people who actually pay attention to my writing/blogging activities that I managed to access this and begin writing again though. If they happen across it, then all the better. But, if I consciously tell them, then I will be VERY aware of what I write, and that will hinder my internal 'purging' process.. and that's not helpful in the whole scheme of things, don't you agree, dear reader?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Yeah..so..
I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.
But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.
And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).
And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..
But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.
But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.
And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).
And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..
But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Society's unreasonable norms & expectations..
I’m so confused by society’s norms, rules & expectations anymore.
There are so many things that dictate who you can love, where you can love, and how you can express your love and desire, affections and passion for another human being that it’s not even funny.
Really… Am I the only one that has a problem with this?
First of all, according to modern day American society, you are only allowed to marry one other person, even with great strides recently it is still really only accepted as a person of the opposite sex. If you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, you are constantly on (high) alert for acts of unacceptance, jokes, snide comments, & on… & on… You are also subject to what is really unwarranted feelings and ideas that you need to live ‘within the norm’, and build your life accordingly because you worry about how your friends, family, neighbors would accept what you really want. For example:
A man being attracted to only other males, but his father has always put down and been verbally assaultive towards other members of society who express these desires & act on them- so he never ‘comes out of the closet’-- and thus, not to mention that feelings of self-hatred and depression would often be by-products, he is robbed of the happiness he deserves to find.
A woman discovers herself to be bisexual, but due to reactions of her immediate family to her aunt being a lesbian, never officially dates another woman--and never feels complete happiness & satisfaction in relationships.
A group of three people, two women & a man, discovering that they have immense attraction to each of the others, and connect so well on many of the levels that people look for, but do not pursue a relationship because of fear of how to announce such a arrangement to family, friends & society in general, and how it will be accepted or not-- are cheated out of a possible way to fulfillment and happiness that isn’t ‘allowed’.
Yes, I know, in several places, the laws are being changed to allow for same sex marriages, but if you really think about it, it’s far from REALLY being accepted. There are still stories routinely in the news about people being discriminated, beaten and even killed for pursuing what makes them happy, fulfilled and able to completely be themselves. Also, not in the news, but in everyday life… Everywhere you turn, if you listen close enough, you can hear discriminatory jokes, statements and attitudes that can breed unacceptance, contempt and hatred towards people of different orientations.
Who decided that the best way was a mom & dad, 2.2 kids, and a dog in suburbia America? Why not 2 men with an adopted child? Why not a woman in two separate public relationships-with one woman & one man? Why not a man in a relationship with a woman in a relationship with another woman? WHO SET THESE IDEALS??
And who dictated that that was the ONLY form of acceptable relationship? Who says that this is the only way for society to be successful and prosperous?
There are several different ‘types’ of relationships. What about those people who feel absolutely wonderful & happy in a relationship with not one, but two other people? Why is there such a stigma attached to this idea? So, there are three people very close to one another that share an incredible attraction and bond with one another… Why does the number matter?
Or, say for instance, a man who desires to have two wives? Why is this wrong? So, he goes home to two women & not one… What makes the difference to people outside the household?
Enough with the issue that you aren’t allowed by society to be with who you want to be with. What about showing that love in public? I’m not talking about the inability to go full fledged naked and have sex with your partner in the public’s eye… But the simple act of holding hands or giving a kiss, for instance. I’m 25, and still sometimes hear the kiddies remarks of ‘Go get a room’ or ‘Can’t you wait until you get home?’ when someone walks by with their partner… and heaven forbid, that partner is same sex! I can NOT believe the close-minded, disgusting remarks that I’ve heard co-workers make when that happens to occur!
I have a couple of co-workers that I greatly admire for doing what makes them happy, even though I know that it must be hard for them sometimes. When I met them, one worked in Stationary, and the other in candy. They apparently hit it off very well, for they started dating… which sounds like any other relationship, except that he is married. This revelation started the whole store buzzing, and snide comments were flying around like nothing else. Then, she learned she was expecting his child- which she actually just gave birth to the little one this last week- and they were ecstatic.
You know the best part? His wife knows all about her, and totally is cool with it. I personally admire them for going after what makes them happy & content… They know what other associates are saying about them, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS! They don’t bother trying to hide anything, I’ve seen them walking around the store hand in hand, I’ve seen the ‘naked’ love for each other on their faces, I’ve seen them kiss… it’s just positively inspiring to me.
Going back to my statement that I wasn’t talking about full-fledged intimacy with your lover in public… Maybe I DO mean to include that… What makes that wrong? Is there something so horribly wrong with seeing the human body in its true form? Why is sex so taboo? Maybe not going so far as too having sex up against a car in a parking lot… But what’s with the idea that even at home, the drapes must be pulled before engaging in activity? The body is a beautiful thing; the act is a part of nature… If you are a little shy or insecure about how you look, why might that be? Maybe a personal trait that you were born with, but couldn’t it also be a way that society is…? The messages that you hear from society is that sex is bad, (yet they use it to sell EVERYTHING,), you shouldn’t show too much skin or you’ll be slutty (yet, what do you see EVERYWHERE in advertising?), anyone would feel confused after receiving all the mixed messages in media!
This writing, (well, rant if you want to call it that,) all started with just a few thoughts that have been rattling around m head for a little while now-mostly subconsciously for awhile. For some reason they came up to the forefront of my mind a few days ago, and have been accumulating on one another until now. It all started with the one thought, “Why is it always assumed that if you do have a soul mate, that the number is always one?” Are you not allowed two..? Three..? People change over their lifespan, what if you grow away from the person you feel at one with..? Does that mean you’re screwed for the rest of your life?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that you have multiple soul mates, if you believe in such a thing? One for each stage in your life? So that, if and when you ‘outgrew’ one, than you have another waiting sometime in the future?
And if that is the case, why couldn’t you have more than one soul mate, at the same point in your life?
What if you don’t believe in soul mates at all? What then? Are you doomed to wander the Earth alone for your time here? Do you just find one person after another that suits your fancy? What would make a person of this belief truly happy?
Another question… Does believing in soul mates mean that you believe in the existence of souls? And that opens the whole can of worms regarding god, religion and what happens after you die…
There are so many things that dictate who you can love, where you can love, and how you can express your love and desire, affections and passion for another human being that it’s not even funny.
Really… Am I the only one that has a problem with this?
First of all, according to modern day American society, you are only allowed to marry one other person, even with great strides recently it is still really only accepted as a person of the opposite sex. If you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, you are constantly on (high) alert for acts of unacceptance, jokes, snide comments, & on… & on… You are also subject to what is really unwarranted feelings and ideas that you need to live ‘within the norm’, and build your life accordingly because you worry about how your friends, family, neighbors would accept what you really want. For example:
A man being attracted to only other males, but his father has always put down and been verbally assaultive towards other members of society who express these desires & act on them- so he never ‘comes out of the closet’-- and thus, not to mention that feelings of self-hatred and depression would often be by-products, he is robbed of the happiness he deserves to find.
A woman discovers herself to be bisexual, but due to reactions of her immediate family to her aunt being a lesbian, never officially dates another woman--and never feels complete happiness & satisfaction in relationships.
A group of three people, two women & a man, discovering that they have immense attraction to each of the others, and connect so well on many of the levels that people look for, but do not pursue a relationship because of fear of how to announce such a arrangement to family, friends & society in general, and how it will be accepted or not-- are cheated out of a possible way to fulfillment and happiness that isn’t ‘allowed’.
Yes, I know, in several places, the laws are being changed to allow for same sex marriages, but if you really think about it, it’s far from REALLY being accepted. There are still stories routinely in the news about people being discriminated, beaten and even killed for pursuing what makes them happy, fulfilled and able to completely be themselves. Also, not in the news, but in everyday life… Everywhere you turn, if you listen close enough, you can hear discriminatory jokes, statements and attitudes that can breed unacceptance, contempt and hatred towards people of different orientations.
Who decided that the best way was a mom & dad, 2.2 kids, and a dog in suburbia America? Why not 2 men with an adopted child? Why not a woman in two separate public relationships-with one woman & one man? Why not a man in a relationship with a woman in a relationship with another woman? WHO SET THESE IDEALS??
And who dictated that that was the ONLY form of acceptable relationship? Who says that this is the only way for society to be successful and prosperous?
There are several different ‘types’ of relationships. What about those people who feel absolutely wonderful & happy in a relationship with not one, but two other people? Why is there such a stigma attached to this idea? So, there are three people very close to one another that share an incredible attraction and bond with one another… Why does the number matter?
Or, say for instance, a man who desires to have two wives? Why is this wrong? So, he goes home to two women & not one… What makes the difference to people outside the household?
Enough with the issue that you aren’t allowed by society to be with who you want to be with. What about showing that love in public? I’m not talking about the inability to go full fledged naked and have sex with your partner in the public’s eye… But the simple act of holding hands or giving a kiss, for instance. I’m 25, and still sometimes hear the kiddies remarks of ‘Go get a room’ or ‘Can’t you wait until you get home?’ when someone walks by with their partner… and heaven forbid, that partner is same sex! I can NOT believe the close-minded, disgusting remarks that I’ve heard co-workers make when that happens to occur!
I have a couple of co-workers that I greatly admire for doing what makes them happy, even though I know that it must be hard for them sometimes. When I met them, one worked in Stationary, and the other in candy. They apparently hit it off very well, for they started dating… which sounds like any other relationship, except that he is married. This revelation started the whole store buzzing, and snide comments were flying around like nothing else. Then, she learned she was expecting his child- which she actually just gave birth to the little one this last week- and they were ecstatic.
You know the best part? His wife knows all about her, and totally is cool with it. I personally admire them for going after what makes them happy & content… They know what other associates are saying about them, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS! They don’t bother trying to hide anything, I’ve seen them walking around the store hand in hand, I’ve seen the ‘naked’ love for each other on their faces, I’ve seen them kiss… it’s just positively inspiring to me.
Going back to my statement that I wasn’t talking about full-fledged intimacy with your lover in public… Maybe I DO mean to include that… What makes that wrong? Is there something so horribly wrong with seeing the human body in its true form? Why is sex so taboo? Maybe not going so far as too having sex up against a car in a parking lot… But what’s with the idea that even at home, the drapes must be pulled before engaging in activity? The body is a beautiful thing; the act is a part of nature… If you are a little shy or insecure about how you look, why might that be? Maybe a personal trait that you were born with, but couldn’t it also be a way that society is…? The messages that you hear from society is that sex is bad, (yet they use it to sell EVERYTHING,), you shouldn’t show too much skin or you’ll be slutty (yet, what do you see EVERYWHERE in advertising?), anyone would feel confused after receiving all the mixed messages in media!
This writing, (well, rant if you want to call it that,) all started with just a few thoughts that have been rattling around m head for a little while now-mostly subconsciously for awhile. For some reason they came up to the forefront of my mind a few days ago, and have been accumulating on one another until now. It all started with the one thought, “Why is it always assumed that if you do have a soul mate, that the number is always one?” Are you not allowed two..? Three..? People change over their lifespan, what if you grow away from the person you feel at one with..? Does that mean you’re screwed for the rest of your life?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that you have multiple soul mates, if you believe in such a thing? One for each stage in your life? So that, if and when you ‘outgrew’ one, than you have another waiting sometime in the future?
And if that is the case, why couldn’t you have more than one soul mate, at the same point in your life?
What if you don’t believe in soul mates at all? What then? Are you doomed to wander the Earth alone for your time here? Do you just find one person after another that suits your fancy? What would make a person of this belief truly happy?
Another question… Does believing in soul mates mean that you believe in the existence of souls? And that opens the whole can of worms regarding god, religion and what happens after you die…
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Minor annoyances..
Augghhh! Seriously, I maybe investing in a nun's habit soon! I'm sooo done with dating & relationships right now!
Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.
He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..
He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.
"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)
This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.
Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:
April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.
Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.
I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.
Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.
So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout shows...so you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce
I'm the pariah who walks the path...
Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?
Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.
Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.
Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*
Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.
Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..
But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.
That's all on this, dear reader!
Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.
He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..
He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.
"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)
This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.
Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:
April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.
Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.
I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.
Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.
So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout shows...so you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce
I'm the pariah who walks the path...
Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?
Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.
Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.
Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*
Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.
Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..
But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.
That's all on this, dear reader!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Crazy's back in town..
The way my life has been going lately, if I didn't have Dustin & Josh as two of the most awesome guy friends the world has ever known, I would think that the ENTIRE male species was a foreign and odd alien life form.
And I would've become a nun way before now!
I just want one week (at the very bare minimum), where I don't have drama or crazy exes intruding in on my life! It seems lately, that at least one of them are coming out of the shadows to torment me EVERY single day!
Let's delve into my taxing and rather stressful week, shall we? Perhaps I will feel better, and hopefully I don't get on your nerves with things that may seem trivial or annoying to you, dear reader.. if so, feel free to zoom right past this entry.
Let's start with Sunday.. that's the day already outlined in a previous entry, where Derek just flabbergasted me with his closemindedness & arrogant jack-assedness.
Monday, more of the same of THAT.. plus, I found out that my stalker ex, Clint, has somehow convinced the woman he's been dating for about 6 years that they should get married. You would think that would be good news for me, and not be the cause of any legitimate stress on my part. This would be true, and probably should be, except for the fact that I've been friends with her just as long as I've known him. Also, he's the same guy professing his 'undying love' for me.. over and over again for the past decade. He's also drove down from Waterloo (70+ miles)just last week to try to find me at work to talk to me about 'us' and to try to convince me to give it another shot (yeah right!)..
I wouldn't give this another thought, but I'm concerned for her wellbieng... I told her I support her, but I can't back her decision to go through with this. She knows I'll be there for her, but other than that I'm trying to put it it out of my mind where it belongs..
That brings us to yesterday... nothing major happened, just more of the same from Derek. And a guy that I (very) briefly dated earlier this year came in to say hi. Even though he was quite implicit that he didn't want to be friends or talk at all if we were not going to pursue dating one another, he has been coming in irregularly to chat and whatnot. Though, I'm not interested in the slightest & shove him out of the department as quickly and as nicely as I can. Really, nothing major.. which is good, because today had enough to mess with me mentally for both days.
My morning was quite wonderful, and so was my day at work until about mid-afternoon. That was when one of the few 'old timer' associates came into my department and dropped off some not-so-lovely news for me. She's a very no-nonsense, serious person who works in GM receiving- so I was surprised to see her in my department. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said a necklace. But she didn't really look at anything, and while she was busy pretending as she was, she piped up with, "I saw your old Beau the other day..".
I thought she was talking about my most recent ex, who caused a major turbulent time in my life earlier this year, the one that I broke up with last December. I asked her if that was who she was talking about, and she said, "Nope. Josh's brother, Jay."
As a matter of fact, she was talking about my crazy ex-fiance'. The one, if you remember from my dating history entry, was very controlling & wouldn't take no for an answer for ANYTHING. The one who I tried breaking up with multiple times, and he would sit on the hill outside my house, watching me come & go.. the one that followed me to Nebraska, etc..
He apparently was in the store on Monday, and looks a lot worse for the wear. (Which, I don't know if that says much, because he never was much for looking at.) She seemed pretty concerned in her off-hand, unspoken, stern way & the impression I got was that he was trying to find out if I was still around without coming out and asking. I don't know if he's still in town, or if he'll be in again. I haven't seen him in many years, since he moved to Texas & started seeing a psychiatrist. (Which he always blamed me for.. but he was messed up way before I came along.)
I would've normally just taken the news, swished it around in my brain & passed it on through, and would've loved for that to happen. Unfortunately for reasons beyound my understanding, instead of passing it through, my brain swished it around & struck alight remenants of unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts related to experiences & what-not from my past. Which tried to strike an anxiety attack... didn't make for a very pleasant evening at work for me. (The sane part of my brain, however, knows that the chance is very, very slim that he's actually going to look for me at work or even cares in the slightest.)
That, however, brings me full circle to my appreciation for my wonderful best friend! He didn't know what had struck such a bad chord with me, but he tried making me laugh via text messages to distract me- and he was successful to some degree.
Which is good, because I don't think I'd look good in a nun's habit..!
And I would've become a nun way before now!
I just want one week (at the very bare minimum), where I don't have drama or crazy exes intruding in on my life! It seems lately, that at least one of them are coming out of the shadows to torment me EVERY single day!
Let's delve into my taxing and rather stressful week, shall we? Perhaps I will feel better, and hopefully I don't get on your nerves with things that may seem trivial or annoying to you, dear reader.. if so, feel free to zoom right past this entry.
Let's start with Sunday.. that's the day already outlined in a previous entry, where Derek just flabbergasted me with his closemindedness & arrogant jack-assedness.
Monday, more of the same of THAT.. plus, I found out that my stalker ex, Clint, has somehow convinced the woman he's been dating for about 6 years that they should get married. You would think that would be good news for me, and not be the cause of any legitimate stress on my part. This would be true, and probably should be, except for the fact that I've been friends with her just as long as I've known him. Also, he's the same guy professing his 'undying love' for me.. over and over again for the past decade. He's also drove down from Waterloo (70+ miles)just last week to try to find me at work to talk to me about 'us' and to try to convince me to give it another shot (yeah right!)..
I wouldn't give this another thought, but I'm concerned for her wellbieng... I told her I support her, but I can't back her decision to go through with this. She knows I'll be there for her, but other than that I'm trying to put it it out of my mind where it belongs..
That brings us to yesterday... nothing major happened, just more of the same from Derek. And a guy that I (very) briefly dated earlier this year came in to say hi. Even though he was quite implicit that he didn't want to be friends or talk at all if we were not going to pursue dating one another, he has been coming in irregularly to chat and whatnot. Though, I'm not interested in the slightest & shove him out of the department as quickly and as nicely as I can. Really, nothing major.. which is good, because today had enough to mess with me mentally for both days.
My morning was quite wonderful, and so was my day at work until about mid-afternoon. That was when one of the few 'old timer' associates came into my department and dropped off some not-so-lovely news for me. She's a very no-nonsense, serious person who works in GM receiving- so I was surprised to see her in my department. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said a necklace. But she didn't really look at anything, and while she was busy pretending as she was, she piped up with, "I saw your old Beau the other day..".
I thought she was talking about my most recent ex, who caused a major turbulent time in my life earlier this year, the one that I broke up with last December. I asked her if that was who she was talking about, and she said, "Nope. Josh's brother, Jay."
As a matter of fact, she was talking about my crazy ex-fiance'. The one, if you remember from my dating history entry, was very controlling & wouldn't take no for an answer for ANYTHING. The one who I tried breaking up with multiple times, and he would sit on the hill outside my house, watching me come & go.. the one that followed me to Nebraska, etc..
He apparently was in the store on Monday, and looks a lot worse for the wear. (Which, I don't know if that says much, because he never was much for looking at.) She seemed pretty concerned in her off-hand, unspoken, stern way & the impression I got was that he was trying to find out if I was still around without coming out and asking. I don't know if he's still in town, or if he'll be in again. I haven't seen him in many years, since he moved to Texas & started seeing a psychiatrist. (Which he always blamed me for.. but he was messed up way before I came along.)
I would've normally just taken the news, swished it around in my brain & passed it on through, and would've loved for that to happen. Unfortunately for reasons beyound my understanding, instead of passing it through, my brain swished it around & struck alight remenants of unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts related to experiences & what-not from my past. Which tried to strike an anxiety attack... didn't make for a very pleasant evening at work for me. (The sane part of my brain, however, knows that the chance is very, very slim that he's actually going to look for me at work or even cares in the slightest.)
That, however, brings me full circle to my appreciation for my wonderful best friend! He didn't know what had struck such a bad chord with me, but he tried making me laugh via text messages to distract me- and he was successful to some degree.
Which is good, because I don't think I'd look good in a nun's habit..!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Fairytales should come with warning labels..
Seriously, dear reader, don't you think so?
When you're a little girl, you're constantly read stories like Cinderella & Snow White. Stories where the girl is kissed awake by a handsome, strong prince & they live happily ever after. Stories where the girl gets glass slippers, rides in a beautiful carriage wearing a gorgeous gown and she is loved & well taken care of by said prince, and lives happily ever after.
When you get a little older, you play pretend house, with a mommy & a daddy in a little house with flowers and a doll.. you have your pick of any boy on the playground, have a 'wedding' & happily ever after lasts until the bell rings.
No one ever tells you that it NEVER happens like that in real life. You have to fight over and over, kissing frog after frog.. and occasionally a good prince comes along. However, when they do happen along, one of two things happen: either the guy is way awesome but unchangeable things stand in the way or the prince is really a frog wearing a very handsome suit made out of burlap or shiny suit of armor made out of plated gold.
The latter is what has happened yet again for me. I thought, after hanging out with him so much, talking, and knowing him for so long that I had finally met the one, my prince, my knight in shining armor. Yeah, not so much..
The suit of armor is quickly losing it's luster, the chinks are already starting to show, and the ugly green is coming through.
Who am I talking about..? Why, Derek, of course! I think I must've jinxed it when I wrote my last long entry about my events on Sunday..already, the true colors are coming through. Here's just a FEW examples..
First, during a long conversation today, the topic of 'marking' with hickeys came up.. that he wanted to do it to me if that happened to come about. I said, "Absolutely not..". He got all pissy at me, and asked why. I said, "Because it's trashy & I don't want it done." He reared back from me and immediately accused me of already having someone else on the side & cheating - AND WE AREN'T EVEN DATING!!
Then, we were talking about my newly discovered sexual preferences.. and he made a totally serious comment, something to the effect of, 'Before, you were just Bi-curious.. now I have to deal with you actually bieng Bi?".
I just turned and stared at him.. I couldn't even formulate a response for a few minutes. All I could finally manage was, 'What??'.
He seriously replied, 'Not only do I have to worry about other guys, but I have to be in competition with chicks??' I responded that it is totally two different things, relationships between chicks & guys.. but he didn't seem to get that..
How do you respond to those sorts of attitudes?
Oy.
Note: a bit later, he apologized for letting his 'alpha male' side come out, & went into this whole educational spiel about the pioneers being protected by their men, and the natural instincts of civilized species.. etc, etc..
Yeah, not convinced.. Sayonara Derek!
When you're a little girl, you're constantly read stories like Cinderella & Snow White. Stories where the girl is kissed awake by a handsome, strong prince & they live happily ever after. Stories where the girl gets glass slippers, rides in a beautiful carriage wearing a gorgeous gown and she is loved & well taken care of by said prince, and lives happily ever after.
When you get a little older, you play pretend house, with a mommy & a daddy in a little house with flowers and a doll.. you have your pick of any boy on the playground, have a 'wedding' & happily ever after lasts until the bell rings.
No one ever tells you that it NEVER happens like that in real life. You have to fight over and over, kissing frog after frog.. and occasionally a good prince comes along. However, when they do happen along, one of two things happen: either the guy is way awesome but unchangeable things stand in the way or the prince is really a frog wearing a very handsome suit made out of burlap or shiny suit of armor made out of plated gold.
The latter is what has happened yet again for me. I thought, after hanging out with him so much, talking, and knowing him for so long that I had finally met the one, my prince, my knight in shining armor. Yeah, not so much..
The suit of armor is quickly losing it's luster, the chinks are already starting to show, and the ugly green is coming through.
Who am I talking about..? Why, Derek, of course! I think I must've jinxed it when I wrote my last long entry about my events on Sunday..already, the true colors are coming through. Here's just a FEW examples..
First, during a long conversation today, the topic of 'marking' with hickeys came up.. that he wanted to do it to me if that happened to come about. I said, "Absolutely not..". He got all pissy at me, and asked why. I said, "Because it's trashy & I don't want it done." He reared back from me and immediately accused me of already having someone else on the side & cheating - AND WE AREN'T EVEN DATING!!
Then, we were talking about my newly discovered sexual preferences.. and he made a totally serious comment, something to the effect of, 'Before, you were just Bi-curious.. now I have to deal with you actually bieng Bi?".
I just turned and stared at him.. I couldn't even formulate a response for a few minutes. All I could finally manage was, 'What??'.
He seriously replied, 'Not only do I have to worry about other guys, but I have to be in competition with chicks??' I responded that it is totally two different things, relationships between chicks & guys.. but he didn't seem to get that..
How do you respond to those sorts of attitudes?
Oy.
Note: a bit later, he apologized for letting his 'alpha male' side come out, & went into this whole educational spiel about the pioneers being protected by their men, and the natural instincts of civilized species.. etc, etc..
Yeah, not convinced.. Sayonara Derek!
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