EEkkk.... No good, no good at all! That was scary..

Oh my god. Anxiety attack in full swing. Someone just tried breaking into my house, not once, but twice in five minutes!

Thank God that we always keep boards in the tracks of our windows and doors. I heard the one for the back door rattle, and thinking it was my brother, I went to ask him where he was off to (I was hungry for chocolate!) and saw a dude on the other side take off running! I turned off the porchlight and not just a minute or two later, I heard it rattle again and it was the same dude trying again to get inside! He took off again, and I called the cops.

They couldn't find anything after sweeping the surrounding blocks twice (and with the help of a neighbor guy), and now I'm freaked. I've turned on all the porch lights, double/triple checked the locks, checked the boards and even set up my dining chairs behind the curtains of that door just so I could breathe a little. 

I'm seriously freaking out.. What if he comes back when we're at work or something, gets inside and hurts my furballs? I don't care near as much about replaceable stuff as I do my irreplaceable and defenseless furballs. :-(

Note from a little later:

I feel a little better, we pulled out the securtiy cameras that we JUST bought this evening and set them up...

Unplanned Mini B*tch Session..

I was right. It was a very long, long, LOOOOOONNNNGGG day. Socially, not TOO bad.. well, at least with people at work. But energy/health/physical-wise? Sucked.. sucked big time.

I need out of there. I need a new, challenging, comparable pay job. Where people are treated better, and it's nice and fun, not so rushed. Hmmm... I doubt such a thing really exists.

My God, the interstate is flippin' blaringly loud the last few nights. I can't hardly hear myself think, or hear my TV at a comfortable level. 


And while I'm on a mini complaint-athon, do people really not know that they are annoying? Whether the really loud, obnoxious chattering magpies that always seem to be in the break room when I want to relax and enjoy quiet time, or the customers that make the same old tired jokes, over and over again ('I don't think you can give me the help I need, but I AM looking for... (har de har har har)'.. or the people who keep bringing up the same innuendos repeatedly, day in and day out. Like, yeah, it stopped being funny and in any way interesting/relevant DAYS ago. You'd think after you stopped responding to them and changed topic, they'd pick up on the hint and drop it. Yeah... right. Unfortunately, not so much. For one tiny example: Like the $5 bucks joke charge to use the department phone.. or to throw something away.. yadada.. OLD and I ignore him EVERY time, but yet his little brain hasn't picked it up yet. Threadbare jokes/innuendos/conversations/etc are just such a turn off and instantly make my brain want to automatically avoid any further contact. Is anyone else like this?

And, don't get me wrong.. I KNOW I have my faults, and annoying features.. but we're not talking about me. We're talking about the abnormal people we have to share this environment with ;-)

Anyway, it's late. I'm tir-- scratch that-- I'm EXHAUSTED.. and still sick. So it's past time to curl up with my furballs and sleep, sleep, sleep!


**This entry sort of inspired by the awesome Miss Sara at Sara's Organized Chaos, you should go check out her blog. She's a pretty phenomenal writer, and on my list of blogs I read regularly :-)**

Deactivation initiated!!

Bye, Bye comments, Bye Bye, long news feed, Hello, free time, I think I'ma gonna enjoy this! After a few weeks of planning, figuring out how to download all of my Facebook photos onto my computer, letting my close friends and family know, and un-linking every app I've added my FB account to, I finally pulled the plug on it at midnight. I stayed up much longer than my body was wanting, but my brain locked in on doing it at midnight, and tonight was the night in it's opinion. And with my OCD, it won out. As the hours progressed closer to "D-time", I was actually getting more and more excited.. and relieved. Does that seem silly to anyone else? Oh well. It's how it was/is. I'm interested to see if I will have much in the way of cravings or withdrawals.. and how long this hiatus may last. And how friends/family that either didn't get the mass message I sent out in time, or don't remember reading it, will react? Which reminds me of the strangest thing. I've not been much in the mood for texting lately either. Technology and nonstop interaction is past the "starting to get on my nerves" stage, so I haven't looked at my phone much this week. And you'd not believe how many people either assumed I was mad at them, or are mad AT me for not texting them! I am just baffled. Anyway. Instead of writing many statuses, and notes.. I think I will center that attention on this blog. Make notes either in my phone or on my kindle and compile them later for you all (and myself). But, for now, this will have to do.. for I am very sleepy and my bed is winning out on the luring me to it for the next eight hours! Good night :-)

Losing my grip...

So, yeah. I'm totally losing it. And not even in the fun way, where I get to see pink unicorns and blue elephants chasing a monkey across a rainbow. Although, that would be slightly interesting, and would score me a white coat and a enjoyable bouncy room.

No, no.. this is quite the boring and anticlimactic way. Like, where every dish has to be put 'just right' into the dishwasher. And I can't have piles of ANYTHING anywhere to deal with later. And I have to 'count' my way out of the house every morning, alphabeticalize everything with a title, color coordinate everything in my closet.. etc, etc.

Yes, it's the grand development of OCD. I think people believe I am joking when I say I have it, or think I am exaggerating about things I honestly believe I have to do. Like the walking through every room in the house, making sure everything is in it's place and there's nothing hot left on and nothing small left where it could possibly get into puppy's reach. I just realized that's actually my mantra as I do my walk through before I leave everyday~ "Nothing hot, nothing small...nothing hot, nothing small..."

Which got me thinking. Looking back, (hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?), I can see the progression. Just maybe five, six, maybe seven years ago, I remember just having to check to make sure the stovetop was off and that was that. I never was bothered by a (very) messy living quarters, piles of stuff everywhere, and so on. But, just tonight, I was eating a plate of spaghetti while I was watching Scrubs. And I managed to knock the plate onto the floor and dump my food. I think most people would just clean up the spaghetti and that would be done. No, I cleaned up the spaghetti, and then noticed I had accumulated stuff on my dresser. I straightened that up and then proceeded to clean the entire room until everything was in it's precise, designated position. And then, when I took my dishes to the kitchen, started cleaning the counters until I forced myself to say, 'No, it's one o'clock in the morning. This can wait until tomorrow.'

And, it's become a rapid progression as of late. Earlier this year, I had had enough of my anxiety attacks, and went to the doctor. She prescribed something for them and said it would also help with my OCD symptoms as well,

Boy, was she ever wrong. My anxiety behaviors grew ten times worse, my trichotillomania came back active full force, and my OCD has skyrocketed.

I did stop the medicine just about a month in. But it's not making anything go back to 'normal'. Which scares me.

If I've gotten this, 'precise' for lack of a better word by the time I'm in my mid-twenties... what could it possibly be like for me when I'm thirty? Heck with that, what about in a year?

Dear readers, do any of you deal with this? Do you have any decent suggestions for me? Do you think I'm losing it? Any constructive criticism you have, I'll gladly listen...

Now, I'm going to go to bed before I think of something else that I HAVE to check or clean.. hope you all are having a good morning/day/night... which ever applies as you are reading this.

Are those butterflies in my stomach..

...or big freakin' hawks??
I'm kinda.. okay, REALLY.. nervous about plans I have for tomorrow night. I have no idea what to expect or how it will turn out. A friend that I've been on the outs with for months and I made arrangements to get together and try to talk about things. I'm so worried that I'll say or do something to make things even worse, just by being so nervous and worried about saying and doing the things that I want to. (Just think of it being a combination of being around someone I really adore and the fact that the more I want to do right by them and say exactly what I mean that I apparently lose the ability to fully express myself.)


(like the rambling in this entry.. I think I'm going to lose myself in my book and try to sleep soon.. that'll at least ease my mind for the night!)

Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?

With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.

But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?

I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.

Greater of two evils?

I can't decide which is worse 'evil' in life: the endings that come abruptly and you have no idea they are gonna happen until after they do (and you're left feeling like you were sideswiped in a hit and run); or the times when things drag on and on, way past when 'goodbye' should have been said, (because neither party wants to throw in the towel even though it's for the best)?

Yeah..so..

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.

Minor annoyances..

Augghhh! Seriously, I maybe investing in a nun's habit soon! I'm sooo done with dating & relationships right now!

Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.

He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..

He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.

"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)

This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.

Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:

April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.

Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.

I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.

Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.

So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout shows...so you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce

I'm the pariah who walks the path...

Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?

Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.

Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.

Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*

Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.

Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..

But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.

That's all on this, dear reader!

Facebookin' & Real Life Cravings..

Do you ever feel as if you spend way too much time on Facebook? I think I do! When I see a comment or status on another site that appeals to me, I automatically try to 'like' it.. or when I go to write something, I automatically begin to start it with 'is..'!

In other, but somehow semi-related, news.. I've been craving a certain situation that I can't do by myself. It'd be a sort of mental TLC, if you will.

For some reason, I've been craving a dinner cooked by someone other than me, followed by curling up in front of a good movie with someone else. It wouldn't even have to be intimate or a dating partner, just to spend time with people close to me would be awesome. Did I mention out of the house, and something OTHER than mac & cheese with hot dogs..? But I don't see this happening for awhile, so I am brainstorming for other ways to gain my own recharge & TLC.. I really need to find something to do soon because I feel like I am going a bit crazy!

I used to take candlelit showers that went a long way to helping me relax, but they haven't even been effective in the least lately.

(And, I think I just realized why I've been craving this.. I had an ex, Chad, who used to do this for me at least once or twice a week.. in addition to other nights of the week pampering me with candle-lit massages with Maxinque's 'Tricky' album playing in the background. He spoiled me, I think. And I haven't dated anyone since that has even thought about doing those sorts of things for me without major 'hinting' from me.. )

Anyway. Here's a question for you, dear reader.. what do you do to relax & recharge after a hectic day or week?