Saturday, December 25, 2010

In loving memory.. Jeff Schipper-1960-2010

I'm having a hard time grasping it. I found out earlier today that the man that I considered my dad for over half of my childhood passed away about a week ago. The news is hitting me harder than I ever thought it could.. and I know it's just a small part of what his real kids and family are going through.

I hadn't talked to him in years, ever since him and my mother split, but I still consider him the man that was there in my life who shared parenting with my mom from the time I was 6 to when I was 17. When he was home from the road, he picked up the slack that my own father had left. He was vital in helping shape who I have turned into today. He helped teach me how to ride a bike. How to clean house. He demanded respect, and taught me how to respect others. He stood his ground when a few of my high school boyfriend's crossed the line in relating to me.

He was a grand man. Might not have been by blood, but he was strong, independent, and awesome. And, for the most part, he treated me just like his own kids. We might not have been a typical family, but some of my favorite childhood memories involve some summers of us five kids and mom and Jeff all in one house, with Friday/Saturday night pizza nights when he got home from working, and watching him work in the shed, to getting rides in the semi. My first memories that involve him was when it was nighttime and he needed to get to work. I'd wake up, slung over his shoulder bouncing along as he carried me to the car. (Being that I couldn't be left home alone while mom took him to work (we had one car at the time).

My regret? Being a pain in the ass teenager, not trying to show him what I felt and how thankful I was that he was there. I know he was nowhere near perfect, and we had nowhere near the perfect 'family' life.. but we made it work.

For some reason, this is the song that's been stuck in my head all day in reference to writing something in memorial of him.

(And, whenever I hear a semi or smell diesel.. it actually brings back my memories from being a kid, in a fond way.)

And to my 'unofficial' step-sibilngs, thanks for treating me like the pain in the butt little sister I was. If you ever need anything, I'm here, just ask.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Maybe uncalled for, but it's a rant.. read if you like, if you don't, well that's cool too

I think some of the people I am friends with, (both on here and in real life,) need a reminder that high school was at least ten-twenty years ago for most of us! If you're a drama queen, don't like what I post or say and attack me for it, or just bitch non-stop about your issues and expect everyone to fix them for you, take it somewhere else. I'm fed up. I can't concentrate on figuring out what I need to do to better myself and my life when I have this constant barrage of bitching, personal attacks, and whininess coming from all directions. I swear, the teenagers that I know mostly act more adult then some people I know! (I've got two on my list here, daughters of my best friends, and I can't believe how much more level-headed and respectful they are then some of the older people I know!)

So, you don't like your life? Quit bitching and figure out what you want and go for it.

So, you think I make horrible choices in life, love, and the pursuit of my personal happiness? You know what? I don't give a f*ck. I'm quite happy with where I am in the dating arena and (most) of my friends. So, it goes against the grain of 'normal' society, and acceptable behaviors. Who decided what rules are that we are expected to follow? And what makes it the only way? I cannot believe the things that people push onto others!

For example: Last week I was having a conversation with a co-worker while we were kinda dead at work about dating and open relationships and whatnot. Another co-worker came up, butted in our conversation and made me absolutely speechless when she said that it (in reference to my decisions) was 'just sick', I needed to be shot, and I needed to move to Utah where they are messed up and allow polygamy. excuse, mother-f*cking, me?? She was dead serious..

So, you don't like things that I post or think I do it too much? There's an 'edit newsfeed' button for a reason. Use it.

So, okay, I'm not saying that I don't care to hear what you think. But don't expect me to hear your unfounded beliefs and criticisms about my choices and convert instantly to what you say when you have absolutely no hard, sustainable proof that what you believe and practice is better than how I've decided to do things in my own life.

I try hard not to push my beliefs and thoughts onto others, and I just ask that everyone respects that, and reflects that back at me.

(and you know what? I must say that the two guys I've dated in 'unusual' relationships, have treated me far better than all but one guy I've dated one-on-one..)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Major annoyance..

grrr... I finally get the chance to sit down and write about a topic that's been rattling around my head for about a month now. And my head is not feeling quite right, which means my typing isn't coming out like it should, horrible grammar/misspellings, and not coming across right..

Which ultimately means I can't write tonight.. SUCKY!!!!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Adoration, not love

I don't do love.

I mean, I do do love. I like love. It's okay in my book.

But I don't bother trying to love who I date, because I have fallen already... but that is not in the stars to work out. And I see no justification (?) in attempting to love another, knowing that I'd feel like a fraud when I know who I'd want to be with in a heartbeat if it was possible.

So, really..

I show love for my pup-(unconditional) and friend's (not expected to be more than what it is.)

I adore who I date, and don't just date anyone, or pick random 'joes'.. I still only seek out those with whom I have connections with or feel close to.

Just wanted to clarify..

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..

I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Just between me and you.. (as in the rest of the world)...

After many months of being locked out of my blog, I was trying to figure out how to remember my login details by clicking around various links on blogger/google. And, lo & behold, somehow I got it to work again. I'm not quite for sure how I managed that, but I thought I was making a new account/new blog.. but it took me back this one!

So, yeah, I will finally have a place to vent and express my true thoughts/feelings/observations and I can stop doing it on Facebook again. ('Cause, admit it.. drama/'real life' problems on facebook is just plain annoying.)

I'm not planning on telling those few people who actually pay attention to my writing/blogging activities that I managed to access this and begin writing again though. If they happen across it, then all the better. But, if I consciously tell them, then I will be VERY aware of what I write, and that will hinder my internal 'purging' process.. and that's not helpful in the whole scheme of things, don't you agree, dear reader?