Brain freezes & light bulb moments don't mix well..

I may sound a bit disjointed this go round, I'm sorry. I know what I want to write about, I have the thoughts in mind.. but for some reason they're not wanting to meld seamlessly like they usually do. But hopefully the gist of it comes out...

So, I've pretty much weened myself off of Facebook, looking through my entries, it seems to be over a month since I first clicked the 'Deactivate Account' button. And for the most part, I haven't missed it. I have checked back a few times, for maybe two minutes a time-just to see if anything has changed, or if there was big developments that I've missed since I've gotten out of the loop.

And tonight was finally an occurrence of major developments going unknown by me. You see, there's this person that I met/started talking to in earnest a couple months ago. I wanted to get to know them better, maybe become close, see where the friendship might go (or fizzle). They were just getting through a breakup, from someone I had known.

They might not have had  no clue what was going through my thoughts. Heck, even I didn't know until recently. But, either way it's where the thing of my shyness and 'slow to warm up' personality comes into play. See, ever since I was little, school would start at the end of August and it would take me months to warm up to the other kids. By the time I was finally forging friendships, summer break would hit and then, if they didn't live near me, I would basically have to start all over the next school year.

Anyway, back to the 'major' development. This person and I were talking A LOT, constant texting every day for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to have just dropped off. Bouts of sickness, work, busy schedules on both our ends seemed to be the culprit. (And what was 'blamed' as the cause.) But, I randomly signed on tonight to see in my news feed that they and their ex have reunited back into a relationship. And they had mentioned that they had met with them a few times recently. Which, connecting in my mind with a previous blog discussion about people seeming to only want to use me to fill the void until they work things out with whomever, seems to make the absence of texts I'm getting make sense.

I can recall several instances where it seemed as though I was truly being used as a 'seat filler' until the person they wanted in that particular spot of their lives came back. And this seems to fit the mold of those times.

What do you guys think? First, can you make sense of what my poor brain is trying to say? Second, do you ever experience things like this? How did you proceed with the acknowledgement when you realized what was going on- did you confront or just shrug your shoulders, thinking 'oh well, their loss.'?

Random thought

"You can't choose who you're related to, but thank goodness you can be choosy of who you consider family!"


It's a reoccurring thought I had again today, when I had to make small talk with one of my family members who came through the store. We're related, but if I had my choice, I would have nothing to do with her.

 Is that horrible to think that about any of your family members, whether it's immediate family like siblings/parents or extended like aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.? Or do more people feel like that than I think?

And the bummer is, the people in my family that I'd want to see waaaaaayyyy more often live pretty south of me, in another state. Thank goodness for texting and email!

New title, look

Okay.. so my penchant for rearranging and redoing has spread here, to my blog.. New title that seems to fit it better, new brighter (happier) design and a few other changes. I like it much better, what about you all?

Hmm.. what can I get into today?

Oh, how I'd love to have been able to sleep in this morning! But, nope, the furballs didn't think that was acceptable. Gage actually started walking on me and meowing (that's a first, ever!) for his food, puppy started bouncing around on the bed to go outside. For once, Spaz was the only good, quiet one. That's weird. So, first full day off without Facebook. Let's go see what I can accomplish! I shall update you all on it, I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats in anticipation! :P

How are you planning on ringing in the New Year?

With a slightly defective car, my plans aren't very exciting. Actually, they're kind of absent- I plan on maybe watching a bit of TV, cleaning house, and going to bed like any other night.

I was wondering what's on everyone else's agenda? Is it like mine, quiet and at home? Drunken debauchery? Somewhere in the middle?

Ten things I want..

I must say, this is the first time that I've been inspired by Twitter for a blog entry!

Instead of 10 separate tweets to fulfill this tag, I just thought I'd do an umbrella blog!

In no particular order:

1.) Endless supply of margaritas
2.) A man that treats me right, who does what he can to fulfill my needs and desires-even if there's only irregular opportunities for it..
3.) A life-time pass to Burger King and their oh-so-delicious Whoppers and onion rings!
4.) For people to stop criticizing my weight, one moment I'm too skinny, the next I'm gaining too much! AUGH!
5.) A kiss that takes my breath away.
6.) Fewer health problems
7.) A job that doesn't feel like a job
8.) To be free of my OCD and anxieties
9.) My friends and family to be happy and healthy and achieve all that they want in life
10.) The ability to mute annoying chick-chatter and to knock some non-deserving men's egos down a few notches.

Too much crap!

Do you ever just look around and all of a sudden just think to yourself, 'Jeezus, I just have too much basic crap around my house! Dumpster, please!'

Or is that just me?

I weed out my stuff at least twice a year, and don't buy much in the way of 'extras' or dust-collectors but I keep feeling suffocated by my stuff.

I think I'm off to take an hour tossing and purging, maybe feel better? I shall update with the final toll of what dent I have made and to where it's final destination shall be..

Photo Challenge: Day Sixteen

A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

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My mom lived there for a few years in the early-mid seventies. Over thirty years later, and she still has a large streak of Southern embedded in her. I'd love to go visit where there's loads of history and culture, and see what it is all about as a place in our nation's history.

The Pivotal Point Between 'Like' and 'Love'

Okay. I've been thinking about relationships, and love. The latter, as you may recall, I am not in a believing state of right now.

More specifically, I've been wondering about what makes a person go from 'liking' someone to 'loving' them? I know it's not a conscious decision or, dear lord, shouldn't be, but what mentally 'clicks' and makes the leap?

Like, my ex-fiance. Nope, never did love him. I think the whole, 'Dating a month, he gives me a promise ring..dating three months he tries giving me an engagement ring (which I managed to refuse for at least a year..), going psychotic and stalking me when I tried breaking it off, yeah that didn't lend well to the cause.

Or the guy I dated before that, which was the complete opposite for me. I had just started working at Wal-Mart. He was an unloader, who I kinda flirted with back and forth with for a little while. Then, I remember it pretty clearly, (scary how so, really,). I was looking at the schedule board after a break, and he came up to me and said, "You know, I've not done this before, but would you like to have dinner this weekend?"

Knowing him since, I totally call b.s. on this one (not doing it before), but I didn't know any better then! Anyway..

A couple months later, we were dating. We went to break together. After break, when we were going in two different directions to work, I wasn't thinking about anything consciously, when I said, "Love you, later!"

And we BOTH stopped in our tracks. Me, because apparently something went haywire in my brain and him, because well, that's obvious. He asked, "What did you just say?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. I should go to work now.." I tried to just move on from that.. but he wouldn't let me for a few minutes.. evil, evil bastard had too much fun with it. Fast forward a bit of dating history, and..

Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. We're friends now, and it's kind of scary he's evolved into a married family guy.. totally at odds with what I knew him as in the beginning!

Now, back from memory lane to the topic at hand. How does it work for you? Do you sit down and think about things? Do you just follow your heart and exclude your brain?

Are you like me, and don't let yourself believe in it? Or are you the total opposite, and fall right away?

I'm so very curious, and people fascinate me. I'd love your input, dear friends!

Even the voices in my head think I'm crazy!

This was actual inner dialogue I caught myself having earlier today right after I got to work:

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"My OCD is making me crazy!"

"No, my OCD is WHY I'm crazy."

"Actually... talking to myself about my OCD and being crazy is what would classify myself as crazy."

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Isn't that just 'crazy'..? Does anyone else think in complete sentences, much like J.D. on Scrubs? Or is it just me?

Losing my grip...

So, yeah. I'm totally losing it. And not even in the fun way, where I get to see pink unicorns and blue elephants chasing a monkey across a rainbow. Although, that would be slightly interesting, and would score me a white coat and a enjoyable bouncy room.

No, no.. this is quite the boring and anticlimactic way. Like, where every dish has to be put 'just right' into the dishwasher. And I can't have piles of ANYTHING anywhere to deal with later. And I have to 'count' my way out of the house every morning, alphabeticalize everything with a title, color coordinate everything in my closet.. etc, etc.

Yes, it's the grand development of OCD. I think people believe I am joking when I say I have it, or think I am exaggerating about things I honestly believe I have to do. Like the walking through every room in the house, making sure everything is in it's place and there's nothing hot left on and nothing small left where it could possibly get into puppy's reach. I just realized that's actually my mantra as I do my walk through before I leave everyday~ "Nothing hot, nothing small...nothing hot, nothing small..."

Which got me thinking. Looking back, (hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?), I can see the progression. Just maybe five, six, maybe seven years ago, I remember just having to check to make sure the stovetop was off and that was that. I never was bothered by a (very) messy living quarters, piles of stuff everywhere, and so on. But, just tonight, I was eating a plate of spaghetti while I was watching Scrubs. And I managed to knock the plate onto the floor and dump my food. I think most people would just clean up the spaghetti and that would be done. No, I cleaned up the spaghetti, and then noticed I had accumulated stuff on my dresser. I straightened that up and then proceeded to clean the entire room until everything was in it's precise, designated position. And then, when I took my dishes to the kitchen, started cleaning the counters until I forced myself to say, 'No, it's one o'clock in the morning. This can wait until tomorrow.'

And, it's become a rapid progression as of late. Earlier this year, I had had enough of my anxiety attacks, and went to the doctor. She prescribed something for them and said it would also help with my OCD symptoms as well,

Boy, was she ever wrong. My anxiety behaviors grew ten times worse, my trichotillomania came back active full force, and my OCD has skyrocketed.

I did stop the medicine just about a month in. But it's not making anything go back to 'normal'. Which scares me.

If I've gotten this, 'precise' for lack of a better word by the time I'm in my mid-twenties... what could it possibly be like for me when I'm thirty? Heck with that, what about in a year?

Dear readers, do any of you deal with this? Do you have any decent suggestions for me? Do you think I'm losing it? Any constructive criticism you have, I'll gladly listen...

Now, I'm going to go to bed before I think of something else that I HAVE to check or clean.. hope you all are having a good morning/day/night... which ever applies as you are reading this.

Close-mindedness is great material for laughing fits!

*laughing to myself*

I find it a riot the people's reactions when they hear about my dating arrangement. I'm talking about the reactions they have, that they don't even realize~before they become aware and mask them.

Another example was just today. *laughing again as I remember it*. I was at work, when my Aunt and her 'lovely' friend came up behind me. This is the same friend of hers that I cannot stand, she's very loud, opinionated (which would be fine if she had any sort of facts or anything to back them up), and just tries to bowl over you in conversation whenever you try to offer up your own ideas. This is also the same lady that has on a few occasions tried to get my mother fired by pretending she was stiffed in some way or wasn't helped fast enough. She's done the same thing to me once or twice as well..Not even cool, especially when we've known this lady forever.

Anyway. They came up behind me as I was working on resetting the costume jewelry. They were both in the motorized carts, (that I truly believe neither one needs.. they just like the special 'aide'.) We start chit-chatting how they don't like the new store arrangement, how my department has shrunk, yadayada.

Then the funny part. My aunt goes, "I really like your necklace!" To which, I went, "Oh yeah. you don't know about my dating thing yet, huh?'"

'No.... I haven't heard.' She replied.

"My boyfriend's wife gave me this. She actually gave me quite a few pieces of jewelry a couple days ago of stuff that she didn't want anymore."

*commence the few seconds of jaw dropping.*

(Internally I am just cracking up at this point. It's freakin' hilarious to me, that in this century people are still so set on the one on one 'traditional' man-woman one on one relationship/marriage.)

Then my Aunt's friend started to say all sorts of off the wall things, and assumptions to which I was going to start defending, but realized it would just be pointless, so I acted like I REALLY needed to get back to work right then.

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And, for the record, I just want to say.. it's just like any other dating relationship. He just has a wife is all. He's awesome to me, gives me all the attention I need, there's usually constant texting, hanging out, takes me out occasionally.. and if you look at the guys I've dated in the past, (one psychotic stalker ex-fiance', one drunkard with sticky fingers and other DEEP issues, and two boyfriends that went to other chicks and got them pregnant while we were supposedly dating 'exclusively', just to name a few;) then he's a real good catch. And it's been about nine months now.. so SOMETHING'S being done right!

(and yes, she knows he has girlfriends.. If I understand correctly, she's the one that gave him permission in the first place to date!)

I promise..

..I haven't forgotten about my dear reader(s)! Life has just been soooo very hectic lately, and I've been so very exhausted for much of it, that there is no brain power left at the end of the day (or even the middle of it!).

I do have tomorrow off, so I hope to be able to post something (or maybe even a few somethings!) for you!

Meantime, I'm gonna do a half-assed 'half assed post', idea courtesy of Simple Dude at http://www.thesimpledude.com/.. (AWESOME blogger, you should really check him out!)

and here is the topic of the night.. I was chatting (like always) with my man, and we were discussing our 'lists of five'- you know, five celebrities you could sleep with if given the chance. He gave me five guys (umm.. he's completely straight lmao!) which were Elton John, George Michaels, David Bowie, Chad Kroeger and Patrick Stewart. But when I asked him what his list of chick celebrities would be, he just replied it'd be too long of a list! LMAO

Anyway, dear reader.. if you were wondering what my lists would be (trusting you haven't fallen asleep from my rambling, that is!) here they are, in no particular order:

Guy Celebrities:
1.)Brad Pitt
2.)Jason Michael Carrol
3.)Toby Keith
4.)Johnny Depp
5.)Trent Reznor

Chick Celebrities:
1.)Jennifer Aniston
2.)Courtney Cox
3.)Jenna Elfman
4.)Helena Bonham Carter (You know, that chick from Sweeney Todd and Fight Club)
5.)Britney Spears (yeah, when she's taking care of herself and not crazy)

So, dear readers... have you ever thought about what celebrities you'd definitely get with? Care to share one, two (or all?)

Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?

With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.

But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?

I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.

Meh.. Happy Hallmark holiday everyone

Is it wrong to think that I should be being pampered and exchanging loving or at least adoring (Remember, I don't do love anymore..) attention with someone right now?

Instead of cleaning house, making dinner for family and later going to be curling up and watching a few episodes of House, before taking a self-lit candle-lit shower and curling up to episodes of Friends before falling asleep?

Or is this just the effect of working retail, and seeing those love-y commercials on the TV, and hearing about the sweet things friends are doing for each other all building up to make an unrealistic desire in my own mind?

Having a hard time getting over someone..

I wish I could rewind time, and make up with someone that I spent many an awesome time with last year.. but I can't. And it sucks.

My best friend told me that it'd get better, and I'd move past it, and it's his loss. But seriously, she's been my best friend for twenty years, she's a bit biased and is supposed to say stuff like that.

How do others in this situation move on, and forget about someone? I can't see how others do it, pretend that someone else just doesn't exist anymore and have no urge to talk to them or to try to make things better and move on.

Constructive suggestions are totally welcome...

Greater of two evils?

I can't decide which is worse 'evil' in life: the endings that come abruptly and you have no idea they are gonna happen until after they do (and you're left feeling like you were sideswiped in a hit and run); or the times when things drag on and on, way past when 'goodbye' should have been said, (because neither party wants to throw in the towel even though it's for the best)?

Free-love...without trying for peace

We're a free-love society (generation). I'm not for sure if many people haven't realized it, or just don't want to admit it.

Because, unlike the previous free-love generation, we are doing diddly squat in attempting to better the world, instead, just drinking, drugging, and sexing it up. We aren't bothering to picket, hold bed-ins or marches, but just filling the airwaves, cyber-world and airspace with our complaints-and no possible solutions.

In an age where it should be so very simpler to organize protests, and get information out there, we are instead filling our blogs, Facebook walls, and texts with what we had for breakfast, poetic love claims, and bitching about work.

This is so very depressing for my outlook on the future of our society.

A match of wills, (Wo)man vs. Machine

Okay, dear reader. this is a chick who realized last week how very sedentary her lifestyle has become and decided to challenge my treadmill to a match of wills. Never mind it's just a hunk of plastic, metal and a killer belt-I'm not quite for sure which will be more victorious in the end!

I've started the requisite log, I've kicked my ass.. and just after four times, I don't think I'm gonna keel over by the end of the 20 minutes! Yay! And.. AND I even kicked it up to five miles an hour in today's session, and did just fine. (Does it matter that it was only a minute or so, before I went back to 4 1/2/hour? )


So, this wasn't really a conscious New Year's Resolution.. but I guess with the timing, it counts right? I'm curious as to what other people have decided to make as their declarations for 2011. Have you made any, dear reader? How are you doing with them?

Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..

I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?