Major work update!

I have some major work related news... After years of being there, I got promoted to department manager of HBA/cosmetics! I signed the papers (computer?) last Thursday, and I start working with the chick that I'm replacing today.

Even though I'm up and pretty much ready before 6:30 a.m., and I've worked a bit by myself over there last Friday and Saturday, I still can't believe it! I keep expecting to: a.) be a dream b.) or I get in there and they say, "We're sorry, we don't know what we were thinking, you'll just have to go back to being a regular floor minion (as opposed to a higher minion :P)..


And the kicker is? With the exception of my new assistent, my former ZM, my store manager and my mom, NO ONE seems to have faith that I can do it! They keep making negative or snide comments.. Hm. Time to prove a bunch of people wrong, me thinks..

It makes you feel kind've celebrity-ish!

 So, it seems the big topic in the front end was that I got my nails done on my supper break! This actually happens to me on a regular basis, the store really has little to talk about besides gossiping about people, and it seems gossiping about me in particular...

I feel kind've important if that's the most exciting thing for people to talk about-but really, I could suggest much more interesting aspects of my life if asked!

(All in good jesting, this is.. i love my coworkers up front (most of the time ;-) ))

It makes me think that all that's missing is glitzy clothes and paparazzi jumping out at me randomly!

Rare, Unbelievable moment in retail

Three cashiers, one set of self checkouts running and limited staff, five days before Christmas.. And we're doing alright in handling it. I never imagined I'd be saying that!

 

The blizzard seems to be keeping everyone at home. Over FIFTY people in our store alone called in. But, I made it in spite of my pain, and people from out of town made it, so I wonder why the people who live just a few minutes away couldn't attempt it?

Top of the hour, Culinary duel!

Breaking news from my kitchen: The spatula has been in an altercation with the dishwasher... And the dishwasher won, bending the spatula into a nearly perfect 90 degree angle! More on this story at 6:00! 

EEkkk.... No good, no good at all! That was scary..

Oh my god. Anxiety attack in full swing. Someone just tried breaking into my house, not once, but twice in five minutes!

Thank God that we always keep boards in the tracks of our windows and doors. I heard the one for the back door rattle, and thinking it was my brother, I went to ask him where he was off to (I was hungry for chocolate!) and saw a dude on the other side take off running! I turned off the porchlight and not just a minute or two later, I heard it rattle again and it was the same dude trying again to get inside! He took off again, and I called the cops.

They couldn't find anything after sweeping the surrounding blocks twice (and with the help of a neighbor guy), and now I'm freaked. I've turned on all the porch lights, double/triple checked the locks, checked the boards and even set up my dining chairs behind the curtains of that door just so I could breathe a little. 

I'm seriously freaking out.. What if he comes back when we're at work or something, gets inside and hurts my furballs? I don't care near as much about replaceable stuff as I do my irreplaceable and defenseless furballs. :-(

Note from a little later:

I feel a little better, we pulled out the securtiy cameras that we JUST bought this evening and set them up...

Okay what the third thing going to be....?

Huh. I just found out last night that my ex-fiance' passed away. I don't know what to think about it. I mean, it was a horrid relationship and things didn't end well. But still, he was a fellow human being, too young to go. And he was a big part of my life, a long time ago.

Aren't we too young for this yet??

R.I.P. Jay, you'll be missed.


(Oh, and since I hadn't had the chance to write about it, the first thing was that my aunt's husband passed away the end of last week.. :-( )

Pep Talk! Not for sure if it will work or not..

I WILL do some much needed house cleaning/organizing today!

I WILL do some much needed house cleaning/organizing today!

I WILL do some much needed house cleaning/organizing today!

Now, where's that motivation and energy I need to possess to get started?

Some songs could be used as neurological warfare!

I swear, if Metallica ever decided to quit the music business, they could get into cahoots with the government, licensing their songs to be introduced onto the battle field.. Their songs are so good, that once they're in your head it's hours or even a day or two before I can shake them out again! And it's a nonstop loop that could make the even sanest person a little batty and distracted!

I give you the following:

Exhibit A:

"Fuel"


Exhibit B:

"Master of Puppets"


You're welcome ;-)

It's already just a few months away again!?!?

Ekkkkk!

I was just cleaning up my computer of unneeded things and getting it ready to run the disk cleanup/defrag/etc when I saw my Turbotax program from last year. I can't believe it's already almost tax time again! Just a few more months, and I'll be sitting down to do them again!

Yes, I know many, MANY people have about six months before the big event, but I always get them done as soon as possible. It's like ripping off a bandaid. The sooner you get it done, the faster your pain is over. And the sooner you can start laughing at others who wait, and wait.. and then start freaking out because they procrastinated too long! :P

Soft lips and blood thirsty tilllers

Well, it's been a day for sure!

I got into a fight with my lawn tiller. Long story, short- I prevented it from falling into my mother's head, but got it myself. I call it a draw though, because nothing was sliced open-I just got a nice inch wide by five inch bruise and swelling on my leg.

VERY long day.. even though I didn't work, I came home from staying over in Williamsburg with Nick at a friend's place, went to the library, went to the doctor (I can hear again, I can hear again! yay!), did things around the house, and have been trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep for the last hour-ish.

And the highlight of my day might make some (okay, most if not all) of my readers question my sanity. Really, if you don't do that already, you may have issues yourself! Can you believe that the highlight was buying myself a new carmex? I swear, I must be addicted to the stuff or something, I know I have three or four different ones floating around, but haven't been able to find them for a few days, so I got another one. And guess what I found not two hours after I did that? Not one, but two lip balms. Figures, huh?

Even the voices in my head think I'm crazy!

This was actual inner dialogue I caught myself having earlier today right after I got to work:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My OCD is making me crazy!"

"No, my OCD is WHY I'm crazy."

"Actually... talking to myself about my OCD and being crazy is what would classify myself as crazy."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Isn't that just 'crazy'..? Does anyone else think in complete sentences, much like J.D. on Scrubs? Or is it just me?

Losing my grip...

So, yeah. I'm totally losing it. And not even in the fun way, where I get to see pink unicorns and blue elephants chasing a monkey across a rainbow. Although, that would be slightly interesting, and would score me a white coat and a enjoyable bouncy room.

No, no.. this is quite the boring and anticlimactic way. Like, where every dish has to be put 'just right' into the dishwasher. And I can't have piles of ANYTHING anywhere to deal with later. And I have to 'count' my way out of the house every morning, alphabeticalize everything with a title, color coordinate everything in my closet.. etc, etc.

Yes, it's the grand development of OCD. I think people believe I am joking when I say I have it, or think I am exaggerating about things I honestly believe I have to do. Like the walking through every room in the house, making sure everything is in it's place and there's nothing hot left on and nothing small left where it could possibly get into puppy's reach. I just realized that's actually my mantra as I do my walk through before I leave everyday~ "Nothing hot, nothing small...nothing hot, nothing small..."

Which got me thinking. Looking back, (hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?), I can see the progression. Just maybe five, six, maybe seven years ago, I remember just having to check to make sure the stovetop was off and that was that. I never was bothered by a (very) messy living quarters, piles of stuff everywhere, and so on. But, just tonight, I was eating a plate of spaghetti while I was watching Scrubs. And I managed to knock the plate onto the floor and dump my food. I think most people would just clean up the spaghetti and that would be done. No, I cleaned up the spaghetti, and then noticed I had accumulated stuff on my dresser. I straightened that up and then proceeded to clean the entire room until everything was in it's precise, designated position. And then, when I took my dishes to the kitchen, started cleaning the counters until I forced myself to say, 'No, it's one o'clock in the morning. This can wait until tomorrow.'

And, it's become a rapid progression as of late. Earlier this year, I had had enough of my anxiety attacks, and went to the doctor. She prescribed something for them and said it would also help with my OCD symptoms as well,

Boy, was she ever wrong. My anxiety behaviors grew ten times worse, my trichotillomania came back active full force, and my OCD has skyrocketed.

I did stop the medicine just about a month in. But it's not making anything go back to 'normal'. Which scares me.

If I've gotten this, 'precise' for lack of a better word by the time I'm in my mid-twenties... what could it possibly be like for me when I'm thirty? Heck with that, what about in a year?

Dear readers, do any of you deal with this? Do you have any decent suggestions for me? Do you think I'm losing it? Any constructive criticism you have, I'll gladly listen...

Now, I'm going to go to bed before I think of something else that I HAVE to check or clean.. hope you all are having a good morning/day/night... which ever applies as you are reading this.

The lost has been found!

Woohoo!

After two days, my lost car keys have made their way back to my possession! Yay! *insert happy dance here*

I asked one of my friends, who is a CSM, if she could look in the front office to see if they were turned in yet. And a little while later, she came to my counter with them in her hand! The kicker? They were put in the 'regular' lost and found, instead of the office where keys and other 'personal' stuff goes. So they could have been there pretty much all along and our seperation could have been much shorter. Grrrr!

But, all's well that ends well, I suppose! They are mine again! And even better, I have Nick's key back again. He JUST gave it to me a couple weeks ago, and I was feeling horrible that I had lost it. This is the first time that I've actually lost them, usually I find myself *almost* losing them but realizing it before it actually happens.

So, yeah. *happy dancing still* Awesome! And now, I must lay down and try to crash so I can be at work in eight hours..

I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached, I swear!

okay. so I'm an idiot. Somehow, in the last three hours of work, I lost my car keys. Not only that, but my cell phone died right at the end of my shift. So I got to walk home and then get a ride back to my car to bring it home with my spare keys. Idiot, that's what I am.

Not here, nope. Not feelin' it

oh crap.. no, no, feelings are not allowed to be felt or even to develop in any capacity. this is no good, and will only lead to hurt and pain, and falling off a cliff (you know, like mentally..not physically.. that'd be freakin' bad..) *knocks my head against the table*

In regards to a recurring pattern with a few friends..

I hate it when I feel like I'm just a filler for someone until something better comes along.. be it relationships, plan making, or time using... Once is understandable, twice.. hmmm, okay... but three times in a short time? Nuhuh.. I'm more valuable and deserve better than that.. at least I have always been able to count on Jen for the last twenty years! :P

Minor annoyances..

Augghhh! Seriously, I maybe investing in a nun's habit soon! I'm sooo done with dating & relationships right now!

Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.

He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..

He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.

"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)

This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.

Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:

April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.

Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.

I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.

Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.

So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout shows...so you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce

I'm the pariah who walks the path...

Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?

Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.

Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.

Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*

Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.

Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..

But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.

That's all on this, dear reader!

Mini-reunions + minor annoyances=still a good time had!

I'm sorry if this entry is a bit garbled, dear reader.. that's just what the inside of my brain is like right now, and has been increasingly so over the last few weeks...

Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking up for what I want, for what I desire? I'd rather have others that I care about a lot have what they want, even if it was the same thing that I wanted & we both cannot have it. Why can't I be one of those people that just greedily take what I want, and not worry about those around me? That's what a lot of people around me do, sometimes to me & the rest of the time I just witness the behavior.

I swear, right now my brain feels like it's inside a barrel racing down a hillside.. all the thoughts running together & flying around so quickly that I cannot react to any of them individually, or even know fully what it is about before it's out of my reach and back into space again.

Does that sound crazy? Perhaps. But, it's how it feels, and it's my little writing & exploring place on the world wide web.. so I think it's all good.

Hm. Should I start with a good event? Or a bad one?

Well, I guess I should start with the good one.. that comes first chronologically, and thus might make more sense. You might guess, if you've talked to me the last few days, what the good time involved.. and that was the show I went to last night at The Mill in Downtown Iowa City--



I know all but one member of Snow Demon, and try to go to at least one of their shows a month. Unfortunately, my ex is friends with them as well, and he's at all their shows also. That's proved to be a disasturous social situation in the past, although not so much last night... just later, which I'll get into later...

Anyway. I went down there with a co-worker of mine- not really someone I'd consider a full-fledged friend, but with our history I just keep the saying in mind, 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' The first band was already playing- they actually started BEFORE 'official' show time, not a half hour later like most shows downtown. SuperChief was really good.. a southern biker meets heavy metal equals frickin' awesome!

Right after the last song finished, I heard to my left.. 'Well, hello there Miss Seana!' It was J! I had been talking to him online for awhile, and he's also friends with one of the guys from Snow Demon, and many other downtown indie regulars. I had texted him earlier that night to ask if he was going to the show, because I'd love for us to finally hang out together. And he showed.. The three of us went outside to regain some of our hearing back before Droids Attack took to the stage, and were in good conversation when my ex came up and neatly inserted himself in our conversation. Us ladies waited a few minutes and excused ourselves to the bathroom, and met up again with them right before the music started. My ex disappeared back to his side of the audience, and the music started. I had noticed a chick in a booth to the side of the band, I thought she looked a lot like someone I had met at Studio a few months ago, (Stacy,) but I wasn't for sure.

The first half of the set SUCKED.. Elizabeth and I even went outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air, and then came back in and sat down in a booth.. turns out it was her! So, a mini-reunion was had.. and it made the night that much better.
Right after this, the main guitarist of Droids Attack snapped a string on his guitar. And, magically, after he switched guitars, they rocked the house! Weird, but definitely not a bad thing!

Snow Demon was the third band, and I've gotta say.. I wasn't expecting much, or that I'd really like the changes that have been made (new guitarist, no more covers), but the opposite was true. Brad got a rockin' guitar solo in one of the new songs, and all in all, it was a great performance! A great night really, J & I really hit it off, had fun with Stacy & Liz.. the only negative was that my ex kept coming by intermittedly through the evening to talk & what-not. But.. it's all good..

Facebookin' & Real Life Cravings..

Do you ever feel as if you spend way too much time on Facebook? I think I do! When I see a comment or status on another site that appeals to me, I automatically try to 'like' it.. or when I go to write something, I automatically begin to start it with 'is..'!

In other, but somehow semi-related, news.. I've been craving a certain situation that I can't do by myself. It'd be a sort of mental TLC, if you will.

For some reason, I've been craving a dinner cooked by someone other than me, followed by curling up in front of a good movie with someone else. It wouldn't even have to be intimate or a dating partner, just to spend time with people close to me would be awesome. Did I mention out of the house, and something OTHER than mac & cheese with hot dogs..? But I don't see this happening for awhile, so I am brainstorming for other ways to gain my own recharge & TLC.. I really need to find something to do soon because I feel like I am going a bit crazy!

I used to take candlelit showers that went a long way to helping me relax, but they haven't even been effective in the least lately.

(And, I think I just realized why I've been craving this.. I had an ex, Chad, who used to do this for me at least once or twice a week.. in addition to other nights of the week pampering me with candle-lit massages with Maxinque's 'Tricky' album playing in the background. He spoiled me, I think. And I haven't dated anyone since that has even thought about doing those sorts of things for me without major 'hinting' from me.. )

Anyway. Here's a question for you, dear reader.. what do you do to relax & recharge after a hectic day or week?

Crazy's back in town..

The way my life has been going lately, if I didn't have Dustin & Josh as two of the most awesome guy friends the world has ever known, I would think that the ENTIRE male species was a foreign and odd alien life form.

And I would've become a nun way before now!

I just want one week (at the very bare minimum), where I don't have drama or crazy exes intruding in on my life! It seems lately, that at least one of them are coming out of the shadows to torment me EVERY single day!

Let's delve into my taxing and rather stressful week, shall we? Perhaps I will feel better, and hopefully I don't get on your nerves with things that may seem trivial or annoying to you, dear reader.. if so, feel free to zoom right past this entry.

Let's start with Sunday.. that's the day already outlined in a previous entry, where Derek just flabbergasted me with his closemindedness & arrogant jack-assedness.

Monday, more of the same of THAT.. plus, I found out that my stalker ex, Clint, has somehow convinced the woman he's been dating for about 6 years that they should get married. You would think that would be good news for me, and not be the cause of any legitimate stress on my part. This would be true, and probably should be, except for the fact that I've been friends with her just as long as I've known him. Also, he's the same guy professing his 'undying love' for me.. over and over again for the past decade. He's also drove down from Waterloo (70+ miles)just last week to try to find me at work to talk to me about 'us' and to try to convince me to give it another shot (yeah right!)..

I wouldn't give this another thought, but I'm concerned for her wellbieng... I told her I support her, but I can't back her decision to go through with this. She knows I'll be there for her, but other than that I'm trying to put it it out of my mind where it belongs..

That brings us to yesterday... nothing major happened, just more of the same from Derek. And a guy that I (very) briefly dated earlier this year came in to say hi. Even though he was quite implicit that he didn't want to be friends or talk at all if we were not going to pursue dating one another, he has been coming in irregularly to chat and whatnot. Though, I'm not interested in the slightest & shove him out of the department as quickly and as nicely as I can. Really, nothing major.. which is good, because today had enough to mess with me mentally for both days.

My morning was quite wonderful, and so was my day at work until about mid-afternoon. That was when one of the few 'old timer' associates came into my department and dropped off some not-so-lovely news for me. She's a very no-nonsense, serious person who works in GM receiving- so I was surprised to see her in my department. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said a necklace. But she didn't really look at anything, and while she was busy pretending as she was, she piped up with, "I saw your old Beau the other day..".

I thought she was talking about my most recent ex, who caused a major turbulent time in my life earlier this year, the one that I broke up with last December. I asked her if that was who she was talking about, and she said, "Nope. Josh's brother, Jay."

As a matter of fact, she was talking about my crazy ex-fiance'. The one, if you remember from my dating history entry, was very controlling & wouldn't take no for an answer for ANYTHING. The one who I tried breaking up with multiple times, and he would sit on the hill outside my house, watching me come & go.. the one that followed me to Nebraska, etc..

He apparently was in the store on Monday, and looks a lot worse for the wear. (Which, I don't know if that says much, because he never was much for looking at.) She seemed pretty concerned in her off-hand, unspoken, stern way & the impression I got was that he was trying to find out if I was still around without coming out and asking. I don't know if he's still in town, or if he'll be in again. I haven't seen him in many years, since he moved to Texas & started seeing a psychiatrist. (Which he always blamed me for.. but he was messed up way before I came along.)

I would've normally just taken the news, swished it around in my brain & passed it on through, and would've loved for that to happen. Unfortunately for reasons beyound my understanding, instead of passing it through, my brain swished it around & struck alight remenants of unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts related to experiences & what-not from my past. Which tried to strike an anxiety attack... didn't make for a very pleasant evening at work for me. (The sane part of my brain, however, knows that the chance is very, very slim that he's actually going to look for me at work or even cares in the slightest.)

That, however, brings me full circle to my appreciation for my wonderful best friend! He didn't know what had struck such a bad chord with me, but he tried making me laugh via text messages to distract me- and he was successful to some degree.

Which is good, because I don't think I'd look good in a nun's habit..!