Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I took a few new pics...

(The necklace that I've worn pretty much non-stop since my best friend went to Iraq a couple of tours ago... it's a little worse for the wear, but not coming off or getting fixed until I see him again!

Imagine-John Lennon

The Vine, rain, great music, awesome company=great time!

Bleh… My muse seems to have left the building, in same fashion as Elvis.

I have plenty to write about, I just have no inspiration to actually do it. Or, really, to do it in a fashion that will hold the interest of anyone for more than a minute. But, really... I don't know more than a few people who have this blog address… and I think that those two are biased to reading what I write (: P).

So, here goes unmotivated, uninspired writing… if you fall asleep during it, I hope you have wonderful dreams.

Let me tell you about the wonderful time that I had on Saturday.

I made plans to meet up with a guy friend of my lil' sister at The Vine, Saturday evening at eight o'clock. I had talked with him regularly online and hung out with him once at The Mill; at a Snow Demon show… a pretty cool guy. Not too bad on the eyes either, if I can say so myself..! A little taller then me, longer dark hair, dark eyes, total music freak like myself. Not overweight in the slightest, actually perhaps a bit muscular (from what I can tell… I didn't think to rip his shirt off or nothing lol!)

*Anyway… like I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself!*

Jarien and I met inside, and fell into a wonderful conversation almost immediately. The poor waitress had to come over three or four times before we finally had looked at the menu & decided what we wanted. He ordered artichoke dip with chips, I ordered a chicken with bacon sandwich, and for us to share we also ordered a cheese fry appetizer. Now, I don't know where they learned portion sizes, but this plate of cheese fries could've been a spare tire for a car! The thing was HUGE! Not only that, but apparently my sandwich also came with fries... ohhh... and the yummiest sauce EVER!

It was incredibly loud in there, which is funny because we had made plans originally to get together where we could hold a conversation and actually hear one another being the only other time that we had been face-to-face was at a heavy metal show... but the racket really didn't phase me at all. Nothing like loud noises usually do when I’m by myself or just in a regular social setting.

On this wonderful night, it was intermittently pouring down rain… But we paid little attention to the people coming in and out; Instead, talking about music, (a VERY major like for both of us,) our upbringing, (turns out that we actually grew up in the same neighborhood at around the same time! Quite possibly might’ve even met once or twice when we were little…), food preferences (He‘s a vegetarian, I only eat a little meat)…

Eventually, the topic made its way to the show that he was planning on going to after we had dinner together. He thought it started at 10:30, but wasn’t a hundred percent, so I looked it up on my phone. Turns out that it was actually scheduled to run from 7:30-10:30, according to the almighty Facebook. By this time, it was nearing 9:30. He asked me if I wanted to go to it with him, and he’d pay my way in. We decided we’d had enough of the loud restaurant/bar, and finished up. He had the most awesome, self-less idea that I had heard in awhile… And one that I had never heard anyone suggest before… He suggested that we bag up the leftovers and give them to a homeless person on the way. That just bowled me over- such a self-less idea! Totally amazing. How many people just bag it up, take it home, and often it just sits in the refrigerator until it goes bad? That same food that would make another person’s day and maybe is the only thing that they have to eat?

We left The Vine, and headed out into the pouring rain. I did have an umbrella, which we both tried to stay under, but that didn’t work very well. So we just ran for it! And I had a blast! We ran from the south side of downtown to the middle… Laughing, running around (and through) puddles- it was great! Apparently, I run very well for a chick wearing knee high, black boots… He said something like a lot of chicks can’t run- or do this fake, I can’t run thing… This made me laugh, the way he said it! I bet that we might’ve looked a bit silly running like that, but you know what? I don’t care! It was fun- getting soaked, dodging around massive puddles, grates & raging streams in the road!

We got about two thirds of the way there when the rain stopped, and we could walk a bit more normally to Public Space One where the show was. Arriving there about ten, we found out that the band he wanted to see, ‘WhysperSmyth’, went on at 10:30, so he wanted to go & see if a friend of his wanted to come see it as well.. He didn’t, so we headed back to the show just in time to watch them start warming up. Unfortunately, the couch we had been sitting on previously was taken, so we grabbed a few folding chairs. That was okay with me, I knew that if the band was any good then I’d be unconsciously inching my way closer to the stage anyway. That seems to be what I do with bands that I go see that I really dig. I’ll start at the back of the crowd, but without realizing it at all, I’ll slowly but steadily make my way to the front. It’s the music that pulls me to it.

The performance was awesome; Kate (the lead singer) has the most awesome voice- the best way I can think to describe it is that it is like a cross between Cher, Billie Holiday and Janis Joplin. She’s also a little cutie too! I would never have guessed that such a powerful, sultry voice could come out of someone so tiny and ‘cute’ as she is! At one point, I was up closer to the stage, and Jarien came up and stood next to me & put his arm around me briefly. It was really nice! He wasn’t smothering or anything, and a complete gentleman then, and all night long. It was just a gesture that seemed to say, “I’m here, and this music is awesome…” or something like that. I’m sure you know what I mean, dear reader!

After they were finished playing, we did the customary, ‘Great show,’ thing. Jarien works with one of the guitarists, which is how he heard about the band in the first place. They shot the breeze for just a few minutes and he also made some much needed ‘musician’ connections… Info and contacts on who to get a hold of to book a show there himself. (He plays rhythm guitar and is lead vocals in the band, Insanguine…) So, perhaps I’ll get to see him on stage playing soon! If not there, I’m sure somewhere else because they’ve played several other venues lately from the look of their band page. .

The night started to wind down then… We wandered in and out of a few places, picking up a few people he knew as we walked, and then met up with his brother, who was working on his homework at a pizza place. They closed shortly after that for the night, so we again headed out into the night & down to sit at Gabe’s & talk for a bit. Unfortunately, the combination of how late it was getting, combined with the loudness of the place, we decided to call it a night.

Which might’ve been a good thing because as soon as I got home, changed into my pj’s, & uploaded the show’s photos, I crashed in front of my computer for about a half hour & then slept for ten hours after that in my comfy bed. Apparently I was a lot more tired than I thought!

We’ve made tentative plans for this Sunday, I may go watch Insanguine at their band practice & then, depending on the weather, we may go scout out some playgrounds. Might sound weird, but that’s another thing that we have in common- we both like going to playgrounds and swinging on the swings!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A pain in the ass, but the results are so pretty!

Hello dear reader! I know I haven't written lately.. but it was a busy weekend! I don't have enough time to tell you about my wonderful time on Saturday night, but I shall show you what I did on Sunday!

I figured since office hubby virtually started spring cleaning my closet, I should start on the rest of the house..and the first room to be attacked was my bedroom.. (One, because it sorely needed it; Second, because the rest of the house is cleaned on a regular basis but when I get to my bedroom, I tend to just fall into bed and that's that..)

Before pics..

And.. what it looks like now...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Does He Love You by Reba Feat. Linda Davis

Music is my life.. I talk about it constantly, probably too much if you ask my friends!

This song would be one of the reasons why... or really, one piece of proof that music has always been a part of me, and has been a passion of mine since I learned how to talk. Even though I no idea what the song meant when I was six, I belted it out word for word-and my second mom always thought I was least she told me I was. Now that I am almost 26, the picture is becoming clearer and clearer. Anymore though, I don't sing aloud around anyone. I know I suck, and don't want to subject anyone noise like that!

Does He Love You-Reba

I have known the lyrics by heart to this song for as long as I can remember.. and have had the tape (yes, cassette) since the album was released in 1993. Granted, the quality of the recording isn't the best anymore. The last time I played it, the first 30 seconds, Reba sounded as though she was singing under water. But, until tonight, I never thought to listen to the song on any other form of media than that well-worn, cracked cased, loved tape.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Minor annoyances..

Augghhh! Seriously, I maybe investing in a nun's habit soon! I'm sooo done with dating & relationships right now!

Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.

He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..

He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.

"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)

This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.

Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:

April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.

Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.

I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.

Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.

So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce

I'm the pariah who walks the path...

Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?

Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.

Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.

Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*

Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.

Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..

But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.

That's all on this, dear reader!

Mini-reunions + minor annoyances=still a good time had!

I'm sorry if this entry is a bit garbled, dear reader.. that's just what the inside of my brain is like right now, and has been increasingly so over the last few weeks...

Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking up for what I want, for what I desire? I'd rather have others that I care about a lot have what they want, even if it was the same thing that I wanted & we both cannot have it. Why can't I be one of those people that just greedily take what I want, and not worry about those around me? That's what a lot of people around me do, sometimes to me & the rest of the time I just witness the behavior.

I swear, right now my brain feels like it's inside a barrel racing down a hillside.. all the thoughts running together & flying around so quickly that I cannot react to any of them individually, or even know fully what it is about before it's out of my reach and back into space again.

Does that sound crazy? Perhaps. But, it's how it feels, and it's my little writing & exploring place on the world wide web.. so I think it's all good.

Hm. Should I start with a good event? Or a bad one?

Well, I guess I should start with the good one.. that comes first chronologically, and thus might make more sense. You might guess, if you've talked to me the last few days, what the good time involved.. and that was the show I went to last night at The Mill in Downtown Iowa City--

I know all but one member of Snow Demon, and try to go to at least one of their shows a month. Unfortunately, my ex is friends with them as well, and he's at all their shows also. That's proved to be a disasturous social situation in the past, although not so much last night... just later, which I'll get into later...

Anyway. I went down there with a co-worker of mine- not really someone I'd consider a full-fledged friend, but with our history I just keep the saying in mind, 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' The first band was already playing- they actually started BEFORE 'official' show time, not a half hour later like most shows downtown. SuperChief was really good.. a southern biker meets heavy metal equals frickin' awesome!

Right after the last song finished, I heard to my left.. 'Well, hello there Miss Seana!' It was J! I had been talking to him online for awhile, and he's also friends with one of the guys from Snow Demon, and many other downtown indie regulars. I had texted him earlier that night to ask if he was going to the show, because I'd love for us to finally hang out together. And he showed.. The three of us went outside to regain some of our hearing back before Droids Attack took to the stage, and were in good conversation when my ex came up and neatly inserted himself in our conversation. Us ladies waited a few minutes and excused ourselves to the bathroom, and met up again with them right before the music started. My ex disappeared back to his side of the audience, and the music started. I had noticed a chick in a booth to the side of the band, I thought she looked a lot like someone I had met at Studio a few months ago, (Stacy,) but I wasn't for sure.

The first half of the set SUCKED.. Elizabeth and I even went outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air, and then came back in and sat down in a booth.. turns out it was her! So, a mini-reunion was had.. and it made the night that much better.
Right after this, the main guitarist of Droids Attack snapped a string on his guitar. And, magically, after he switched guitars, they rocked the house! Weird, but definitely not a bad thing!

Snow Demon was the third band, and I've gotta say.. I wasn't expecting much, or that I'd really like the changes that have been made (new guitarist, no more covers), but the opposite was true. Brad got a rockin' guitar solo in one of the new songs, and all in all, it was a great performance! A great night really, J & I really hit it off, had fun with Stacy & Liz.. the only negative was that my ex kept coming by intermittedly through the evening to talk & what-not. But.. it's all good..

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Be Gone, Junk drawers!

As previously mentioned, my next goal is to attack my desk/writing area. The thing has seven drawers chock full of things, and do you want to know what the funny thing is, dear reader? I only use the bottom right one on any regular basis- and that's the 'cord drawer'. You know, where I store all my computer wires, my phone charger, my camera USB cord, etc, etc. That stuff that really doesn't even belong in my desk, really.

I figured I'd better attack this area next for two reasons: one, I finally have some bedroom furniture on the way, (It's been about six or seven years since I've had actual bedroom furniture in my bedroom;)and two, my packrattedness was found out by office hubby when he was over fixing my internet awhile ago. So, to show I'm not a total slob, I'm going to get rid of all the seldom used or needed junk.

I guess it would also be good to get all of my writing stuff back out from under my bed and into aforementioned desk!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Oh, so that's what it looks like!

Phase One of the wardrobe overhaul has been in progress for one week now.. And there is significant progress made, although it may not seem like it.

One instance, the goal that I set last week of having the chair completely void of clothing, and turned back into a viable sitting place is completed!

(This is what my beautiful, comfy reading chair actually looks like, dear reader!)

All of my clothing inventory is now back in my closet- shoes, belts, clothes, accessories & all!

Although, I didn't get the chance to completely go through it last week, like I set out to do. But that's okay. Slowly, but surely, office hubby & I will knock it out when we get the chance! He's a rather busy man, with school, work, family, etc.. but he makes time to hang out with me (usually at work or virtually lol) & I think it is now his mission to make my wardrobe much more worthy of seeing- so it will get done eventually.

My next goal is go through my desk & empty it out of all non-writing/art things.. The entire thing has become one big junk drawer, and my writing stuff is in totes under my bed.. how does that work??

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Facebookin' & Real Life Cravings..

Do you ever feel as if you spend way too much time on Facebook? I think I do! When I see a comment or status on another site that appeals to me, I automatically try to 'like' it.. or when I go to write something, I automatically begin to start it with 'is..'!

In other, but somehow semi-related, news.. I've been craving a certain situation that I can't do by myself. It'd be a sort of mental TLC, if you will.

For some reason, I've been craving a dinner cooked by someone other than me, followed by curling up in front of a good movie with someone else. It wouldn't even have to be intimate or a dating partner, just to spend time with people close to me would be awesome. Did I mention out of the house, and something OTHER than mac & cheese with hot dogs..? But I don't see this happening for awhile, so I am brainstorming for other ways to gain my own recharge & TLC.. I really need to find something to do soon because I feel like I am going a bit crazy!

I used to take candlelit showers that went a long way to helping me relax, but they haven't even been effective in the least lately.

(And, I think I just realized why I've been craving this.. I had an ex, Chad, who used to do this for me at least once or twice a week.. in addition to other nights of the week pampering me with candle-lit massages with Maxinque's 'Tricky' album playing in the background. He spoiled me, I think. And I haven't dated anyone since that has even thought about doing those sorts of things for me without major 'hinting' from me.. )

Anyway. Here's a question for you, dear reader.. what do you do to relax & recharge after a hectic day or week?

Just a quick note..

that I wish I could just carry around a fully functioning shower with me, everywhere I go! That's the only consistant time in my day where I feel sexy & love how my body looks.. plus I LOVE water!! (One of my exes even used to call me his 'water princess' that's how much I like showers, baths, the beach, swimming, etc.) :P

Now, back to your regularly scheduled surfing!

Crazy's back in town..

The way my life has been going lately, if I didn't have Dustin & Josh as two of the most awesome guy friends the world has ever known, I would think that the ENTIRE male species was a foreign and odd alien life form.

And I would've become a nun way before now!

I just want one week (at the very bare minimum), where I don't have drama or crazy exes intruding in on my life! It seems lately, that at least one of them are coming out of the shadows to torment me EVERY single day!

Let's delve into my taxing and rather stressful week, shall we? Perhaps I will feel better, and hopefully I don't get on your nerves with things that may seem trivial or annoying to you, dear reader.. if so, feel free to zoom right past this entry.

Let's start with Sunday.. that's the day already outlined in a previous entry, where Derek just flabbergasted me with his closemindedness & arrogant jack-assedness.

Monday, more of the same of THAT.. plus, I found out that my stalker ex, Clint, has somehow convinced the woman he's been dating for about 6 years that they should get married. You would think that would be good news for me, and not be the cause of any legitimate stress on my part. This would be true, and probably should be, except for the fact that I've been friends with her just as long as I've known him. Also, he's the same guy professing his 'undying love' for me.. over and over again for the past decade. He's also drove down from Waterloo (70+ miles)just last week to try to find me at work to talk to me about 'us' and to try to convince me to give it another shot (yeah right!)..

I wouldn't give this another thought, but I'm concerned for her wellbieng... I told her I support her, but I can't back her decision to go through with this. She knows I'll be there for her, but other than that I'm trying to put it it out of my mind where it belongs..

That brings us to yesterday... nothing major happened, just more of the same from Derek. And a guy that I (very) briefly dated earlier this year came in to say hi. Even though he was quite implicit that he didn't want to be friends or talk at all if we were not going to pursue dating one another, he has been coming in irregularly to chat and whatnot. Though, I'm not interested in the slightest & shove him out of the department as quickly and as nicely as I can. Really, nothing major.. which is good, because today had enough to mess with me mentally for both days.

My morning was quite wonderful, and so was my day at work until about mid-afternoon. That was when one of the few 'old timer' associates came into my department and dropped off some not-so-lovely news for me. She's a very no-nonsense, serious person who works in GM receiving- so I was surprised to see her in my department. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said a necklace. But she didn't really look at anything, and while she was busy pretending as she was, she piped up with, "I saw your old Beau the other day..".

I thought she was talking about my most recent ex, who caused a major turbulent time in my life earlier this year, the one that I broke up with last December. I asked her if that was who she was talking about, and she said, "Nope. Josh's brother, Jay."

As a matter of fact, she was talking about my crazy ex-fiance'. The one, if you remember from my dating history entry, was very controlling & wouldn't take no for an answer for ANYTHING. The one who I tried breaking up with multiple times, and he would sit on the hill outside my house, watching me come & go.. the one that followed me to Nebraska, etc..

He apparently was in the store on Monday, and looks a lot worse for the wear. (Which, I don't know if that says much, because he never was much for looking at.) She seemed pretty concerned in her off-hand, unspoken, stern way & the impression I got was that he was trying to find out if I was still around without coming out and asking. I don't know if he's still in town, or if he'll be in again. I haven't seen him in many years, since he moved to Texas & started seeing a psychiatrist. (Which he always blamed me for.. but he was messed up way before I came along.)

I would've normally just taken the news, swished it around in my brain & passed it on through, and would've loved for that to happen. Unfortunately for reasons beyound my understanding, instead of passing it through, my brain swished it around & struck alight remenants of unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts related to experiences & what-not from my past. Which tried to strike an anxiety attack... didn't make for a very pleasant evening at work for me. (The sane part of my brain, however, knows that the chance is very, very slim that he's actually going to look for me at work or even cares in the slightest.)

That, however, brings me full circle to my appreciation for my wonderful best friend! He didn't know what had struck such a bad chord with me, but he tried making me laugh via text messages to distract me- and he was successful to some degree.

Which is good, because I don't think I'd look good in a nun's habit..!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Phase One has started...

If you recall my last entry dear reader, I was discussing the major overhaul that my wardrobe needed. Well, phase one has commenced!

Office hubby came over today on his lunch break and started helping me go through my closet & getting rid of the unflattering, unstylish clothes that take up space in my closet. I would say that I haven't worn over 5/6's of the stuff in over a year, and 3/4's of it in the last six months.. so that means he hadn't see most of it before.

And I wish I could've gotten a picture of the looks that he had when he saw some of my clothes! *laugh* They were priceless! (The looks, not the clothes!)

Here's the pile that inspired the funniest looks.. (and many of the quickest 'No' responses I've ever heard! :P)

The hanging portion of my closet looks a lot different already.. for one, it's a lot EMPTIER! What's left is organized- far left is what I got to keep, the middle section is the 'maybe's', and the right side is what we didn't have time to sort yet.

As a side note about the 'maybe's'.. I have a strong feeling that he may try to sneak those into the give-away's somehow, at some point!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Turning heads...? Not so much..

(..I've written some pretty rough, indepth & personal stuff lately.. I feel I should write a lighter entry now...)

I have an issue that's building up aggravation inside..

That is, I'm tired of all the hot customers & my hot co-workers turning heads & I don't. For example, I was walking through electronics to take something to the back when a really attractive woman walked by three male associates. I witnessed all three of their heads turn to watch her progress down the aisle. Like their heads were on swiveling poles or something.. and I got nary a glace from these three, let alone a second! I texted one of them a few minutes later, teasing him about what I saw them doing, and he responded, 'What, do you think I'm gay or something?' Wellll.... if you're that straight & I get no attention.. what does that appear to say about my looks??

So, I got to thinking about it, more and more. One day I brought this up in conversation with a close friend of mine, Dustin.. I mentioned this particular observation of mine, and the suggestion of boosting my 'hottie rating' came up. He is apparently REALLY good at knowing what looks good on women, and offered his 'fashion consultant' services to help me remake my wardrobe & attempt to boost my overall rating with the guys. Apparently, I am REALLY bad at picking out clothes..

Last Friday night, he stayed around at work at helped me pick out four or five tank tops & a really cute pair of shorts. I then made a pact with him not to do any shopping without him until I get my arsenal of 'hotness boosting' clothing built up.

(Sunday, however, I went to Target.. and found THE HOTTEST DRESS! I hope he thinks it looks as good as I think it does!)

Today we were talking, and the conclusion was made that I need to weed through my closet & get rid of anything that doesn't fully do me & my body justice. (And really anything that's pretty old, and not in the style that I am looking for.. which is most of it.)

I walked into my bedroom tonight after work & realized there is something that needs to be done before I buy anything else. I have fallen into a pattern of keeping the rest of the house really neat & clean - but lose my energy before I can do the same to my bedroom/closet. So, not only do I have to go through my closet.. I need to clean up my bedroom & put away the heaping pile of clothes that are on my chair..

Now, that I have these horribly messy pictures up.. my goal is to have these two things cleaned up & my wardrobe gone through by the end of the week.. Wish me luck, dear reader, I'll need it!! (Especially when I've tried to weed through it before, and my pack-rat side kicks in, and I keep way more than I should or really want to..!)

And if you have any suggestions for me regarding new clothing ideas or organizing my closet, or what-not.. please feel free to comment!

Fairytales should come with warning labels..

Seriously, dear reader, don't you think so?

When you're a little girl, you're constantly read stories like Cinderella & Snow White. Stories where the girl is kissed awake by a handsome, strong prince & they live happily ever after. Stories where the girl gets glass slippers, rides in a beautiful carriage wearing a gorgeous gown and she is loved & well taken care of by said prince, and lives happily ever after.

When you get a little older, you play pretend house, with a mommy & a daddy in a little house with flowers and a doll.. you have your pick of any boy on the playground, have a 'wedding' & happily ever after lasts until the bell rings.

No one ever tells you that it NEVER happens like that in real life. You have to fight over and over, kissing frog after frog.. and occasionally a good prince comes along. However, when they do happen along, one of two things happen: either the guy is way awesome but unchangeable things stand in the way or the prince is really a frog wearing a very handsome suit made out of burlap or shiny suit of armor made out of plated gold.

The latter is what has happened yet again for me. I thought, after hanging out with him so much, talking, and knowing him for so long that I had finally met the one, my prince, my knight in shining armor. Yeah, not so much..

The suit of armor is quickly losing it's luster, the chinks are already starting to show, and the ugly green is coming through.

Who am I talking about..? Why, Derek, of course! I think I must've jinxed it when I wrote my last long entry about my events on Sunday..already, the true colors are coming through. Here's just a FEW examples..

First, during a long conversation today, the topic of 'marking' with hickeys came up.. that he wanted to do it to me if that happened to come about. I said, "Absolutely not..". He got all pissy at me, and asked why. I said, "Because it's trashy & I don't want it done." He reared back from me and immediately accused me of already having someone else on the side & cheating - AND WE AREN'T EVEN DATING!!

Then, we were talking about my newly discovered sexual preferences.. and he made a totally serious comment, something to the effect of, 'Before, you were just Bi-curious.. now I have to deal with you actually bieng Bi?".

I just turned and stared at him.. I couldn't even formulate a response for a few minutes. All I could finally manage was, 'What??'.

He seriously replied, 'Not only do I have to worry about other guys, but I have to be in competition with chicks??' I responded that it is totally two different things, relationships between chicks & guys.. but he didn't seem to get that..

How do you respond to those sorts of attitudes?


Note: a bit later, he apologized for letting his 'alpha male' side come out, & went into this whole educational spiel about the pioneers being protected by their men, and the natural instincts of civilized species.. etc, etc..

Yeah, not convinced.. Sayonara Derek!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Okay, So Maybe..

..the potential Prince Charming isn't all that he appears to be.. perhaps he just escaped the rainforest long enough to attract a princess.. but forgot the social skills needed to be a Prince & not a frog. I don't for see any kisses, any time soon!

More details to come later, if you're interested, dear reader.. well, even if you're not, the entry will still come later. You can just skim right over it if you like!

*Moment of self-hating, self-pity. you don't need to read, dear reader..*

Just doesn't know anymore.. I can't seem to do anything right in almost any area of my life, and the longer/harder I try, the more I screw things up..

Maybe I should just throw in the towel, keep entirely to myself, and become a eccentric, reclusive cat lady..

A little black dress, awesome friends & an easily distracted author..

With the combination of my hours at work being flipped all around & family obligations, Sundays are now the only days of the week that I get any real time to myself, at all, to recharge & recover from the stresses of the past week. If you couldn't tell from my last entry, I was really getting on the edge.. that's because I didn't get last Sunday either.. so it had been two weeks without any real alone time.

Thank God for Derek. Derek is one of my close friends, and if our individual situations were different, I'd date him in a heartbeat- and I know that the same statement would be made by him. We have an incredible connection, and have since the day that we really met. ('Really met' as in the day that we started talking to each other on a regular basis & getting to know each other, as opposed to just saying 'hi' in passing..)

He's just so incredibly awesome, and really gets me on so many levels. He stimulates me intellectually, gets (and perhaps even likes) my various quirks.. and if not likes them, at least tolerates them well! Not to mention athletic, and funny.. etc, etc..

Anyway, the point of this blog is not to go over all of Derek's (or anyone's) wonderful traits or anything.. So, moving on... I mentioned him, because he did everything in his power today to make my day better & to help me feel better overall. I was really touched, it's the small things & words that make the difference, I think!

My day started out kind of rough, I woke up really late- even for me, on my day off. And with a migraine already starting.. EVERY noise was annoying the crap out of me. I tried taking my last Tylenol, a candle-lit shower (which almost always works to some degree,) a walk around the neighborhood with the puppy.. nothing seemed to help.

I walked to the mall, and took in the changes that they are apparently making. It's going to have a totally different feel than it did when I hung out there every Friday night my senior year of high school.. Small things, but still... They took out the music store, they moved Hot Topic halfway down the mall, took out A & W.. but I digress.

My last stop there was Target, and in the process of going to get pup food, I thought I would stop by the clearance racks in the ladies department. I found the most AMAZING black, runched dress. Well, it's really supposed to be a sweater, but it fits PERFECTLY as a little black dress. It made me insanely happy. Silly, that a little black thing of fabric can brighten my day so, but did I mention it was AMAZING? I technically have a pact with Derek not to go clothes shopping without him, until I get my wardrobe properly updated.. apparently, I don't make the best clothing decisions in regards to what really looks good on me.. but I HAD to get it!

So, with pup food in one hand and my newly purchased little black dress in the other, I headed home to drop them off & freshen up before meeting Derek for an hour or so. It actually worked out where he got to get away, and I brought him back to my house where I modeled it, and let's just say that he LOVED it! Score one point for me, and no points for bad style today!

I actually got to see him for a total of a couple hours today, and he did so many things to try to make me feel better.. He played with my hair a bit, tried helping me work through a bit of some of the issues that I am currently having, made me laugh, shared dinner with me.. and he succeeded in making my day much better. I couldn't ask for a better friend!

Aside from the normal familial issues, the rest of my day went wonderfully.. I ended it with mac & cheese/hotdogs with my brother & another friend & half of Ghosthunters-Season 1. Now, I really must go get a few hours of solid sleep before I have to get up & help out with projects around here. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, dear readers!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Lost a screw, card short of a full deck?

Dear reader, the last few days I've been feeling increasingly overwhelmed and past due for some pampering, TLC, R&R, whatever you'd like to call it..

I think I'm past the point of wanting it, I think I need it. Or do you think almost bursting into tears because when I realized that the bowl I needed to make oatmeal with was dirty in the dishwasher is normal?

Or perhaps I have just gone crazy.

A quick, (but happy) note..

Wow.. I wish today was my Friday.. it was a pretty wonderful day with (just) a few exceptions. Even with those 'glitches' in the course of my day, it was still the best day I've had in quite awhile.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Dating Game

Somehow, I keep attracting the weirdo's.. the psycho's.. the crazies who don't know when to quit. I wonder if there's a sign above my head that only brings these types of people to me, a sign that simultaneously repels the normal people?

Seriously. You may think I'm exaggerating, dear reader. I'm not. Let's work through the timeline here & some of the details..

First, let's go back 11 years. That would make me 14, and just ending 9th grade (spring of '98). Enter my first boyfriend, Clint.

Yes, I was 14, and he was 21. He was first my brother's friend, and that's how we met. Nothing ever physical really happened, even though we dated a little more than a year off & on. And looking back now, I'm sure he had other chicks his age while we dated. Which, (you know what?) was fine...

...Because in tenth grade, (fall of '98)while we were dating, a boy named Danny moved to the area. One of the baddest boys our school had ever seen.. and a guy that to, at least last summer, we share immense passion off & on for one another. (As will become evident through this entry, if I am to be at all honest.) Within forty-five minutes of meeting him, we became much more acquainted with one another than Clint and I did over the whole off-on thing. No, we didn't do THAT.. but we did kiss in-depth all the way home on the bus, and then we did some more of that a bit after we arrived back to our neighborhood. Danny was the first guy I'd ever kissed that way, and the first guy I was ever really interested in.. We dated for a week, and then he broke it off, (most likely because I wouldn't do the sex thing..)but we stayed friends.

Fast forward to Feb of '99.. Clint & I were off again.. and lo' and behold, he came home from a weekend away, shamefaced. (This is where I should mention that he lived in a rental property with my brother that my mother & former stepfather owned.) Come to find out, he stayed that weekend with an old high school classmate of his. A few weeks after that, turns out that he found out that he had gotten her pregnant during said weekend. That marked the end of our dating, although not the end of seeing each other almost daily. (Joy, right?) Because, instead of moving out on their own, he moved her in with him! Which, as you could imagine, was a bit of a slap in the face..

I, however, being a sweet girl then, tried being nice to her & befriended her.. although she annoyed the CRAP out of me.. They finally moved to North Carolina together at the tail end of the summer.

In Dec. of '99, I went & stayed the night at my 2nd sis's, Hannah's, place.. in the same town as Danny lived. Him and I snuck away to a barn on the edge of town, and had our second ever make out session.. I don't really feel the need for THAT many details, just the fact that he was a great kisser for a tenth grader is sufficient.

Moving on, I don't remember how I had met him and how we started dating.. but I had my second boyfriend during most of 11th grade..Jeremiah. He ended up dumping me when he met another chic in winter of '01. No, we never had sex.. and yes, she came up pregnant just a few months after we broke up. Hmm... the beginnings of a pattern, emerging?

After that, I didn't date again for the rest of high school. I graduated in '02, and started working at Wal-Mart in October of that year. Not more than a couple weeks after I started there, an unloader and I hit it off VERY well. Steve & I naturally took our breaks together, flirted back & forth, and discussed certain scenes of 8 Mile(which had just came out that year,) at length. I remember when he came up to me when I was looking at the schedule board, and uttered the only 'real' date invitation that I've ever gotten- "Um, yeah, I've never really done this before.. but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner and a movie sometime soon?"

(Now, that I'm looking back on it, and know what kind of guy he is today.. I'm sure it wasn't the first time he ever did the date invitation...!) And if you were curious, I wore my long denim skirt, with canvas heels, and a hippie top. He made a wonderful spaghetti dinner, & we played Super Mario Brothers, where I kicked his ass!

We ended up dating for about, I wanna say four or five months..? Maybe six.. not much longer than that. Many a make-out session, hanging out & Nintendo-filled evening occurred. He ended up dumping me for the chick that worked in fabrics & crafts.. once again, I think it's because I wasn't to the point that I was ready to do anything more than make out & she was. She was also a drifter, a modern day hippie who eventually moved back to San Fransisco. She was the first chick that I found attractive in more than just a 'friend' way. But, I didn't really realize that at the time.

Now, flash your mind back to the past 'assets' of Wal-Mart.. do you remember when most of them had a eat-in little fast food thing called the Radio Grill? That's where I met my ex-fiance'. He wasn't the type that I usually went for... but maybe that's why I went for him. We would talk back and forth when I would get my food during my breaks, and chat online many times every week... (I just remembered something that I had forgotten until now. In the beginning, I was not interested in Jay like that AT ALL. It was his brother Josh that I was totally digging. Josh was cute, funny & unfortunately into another chick.) So, somehow, Jay and I ended up dating, engaged and I tried to break it off with him a year & a half later, in the summer of '05. Seriously, I don't know how it all progressed that far. He gave me a promise ring after a month & tried to give me an engagement ring after four months. I made him wait on that for awhile before finally accepting it. That was when I found out he wanted me to become a barefoot & constantly pregnant preacher's wife who wouldn't have a say in any of the decisions that would be made. And that was going to start with the wedding, when he wouldn't let me me choose red & white for the colors, because 'red wasn't a proper wedding color'. Instead, he choose yellow..

When I did try to end things with him, he really was having none of it.. He would sit on the hilltop behind my house, watching me come & go.. accusing me of seeing other guys, (which I wasn't,) and bug me incessantly at work.

I ended up back in touch with Steve that June-July, and we went camping with a large group of people at a organized festival that was in the area that August. That was an amazing weekend.. Jay tried to 'keep a hold of me' until September, when I finally decided to leave the state for a week to get away from everything and figure out how I was going to get rid of him. (I went & stayed with Steve in Nebraska..)Easier said than done, however. He followed us all the way over there, (a four & half hour drive,). Then he proceeded to drive all around Lincoln, NE looking for signs of me. When he couldn't find anything after seven hours, he drove back home. That's not all. He then proceeded to hack into my email account to get Steve's email address, then got into his email account to get his phone number, calling over and over...

Staying with Steve is when I met his best friend, Chad.. who was also with him on the camping trip. Steve ended up working almost EVERY day that I was there, even though he had originally had the entire week off. It worked out, however, because Chad and I spent almost every day together that week, morning to night, and some nights to mornings.. The following month, Steve ended up moving back to Iowa, and the month after that, Chad followed as well. We ended up dating for two years, and the only reason we separated was because he had to move back to Nebraska due to unforeseen circumstances.. we finally broke it off in the middle of the summer of '07.

In 2008, I started talking with a guy that worked in the dairy department, and we hung out more and more regularly on breaks and outside of work. Tall, dark, handsome, athletic.. a sight for sore eyes. We ended up having many an 'occasion' together.. I would've been quite content with that arrangement, considering that I was done having relationships for the time being.. except our desires of what came out of the physical aspect didn't match. He wanted a certain act regularly, and I wasn't for it. So, it kinda fizzled out slowly, as the days grew shorter and the leaves left the trees.

During that season's holiday card addressing, I felt the urge to look up an old friend and send him a card saying hi and hoping all was well. I had known Toby since I was very little, but had lost touch with him for a few years. The card did end up making it right to his mailbox, and we started hanging out and getting reaqcainted. We started dating Januray 6th of last year, and went until Christmas Eve, when everything came to a head. I'm not quite ready to go into it all yet, but beginning in the summer, things had started becoming turmoilous. On a side note, Danny came back into the picture a few times over the summer.. on the sly. Doesn't really make me look very good, does it..? :(

However, little did I know, that the new year was going to bring a LOT of changes, new experiences, and new, wonderful people into my life- including Dustin & Crystal..

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Pretty Lady"

Well, I guess one of the (major) things that I wanted to get out there & work through, discuss and explore is something that only four people currently know about me- Crystal, Dustin, Matt & Susan.

That is that I (consciously) discovered earlier this year that I am not 'straight', as society likes to label. I am, in fact, bi. I say consciously, because looking back at my past thoughts & behaviors, I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner. For one small example, for as long as I can remember, I've always pointed my boyfriend's (or various guy friends) attentions to pretty girls that would walk by & go into earnest discussions about whether one was 'hot', was pretty or had a great ass or whatnot..which tended to be well-recieved, as you could guess!

Or, in another example - although, I'm not quite for sure how to explain it.. If I felt a lady was attractive, and I felt some sort of unexplainable connection with her, I'd always refer to her as 'pretty lady' in passing without a second thought about it. Although, that hasn't happened very often. In fact that has only happened three times total that I can think of - and all pretty recently. Two of them I actually work with, Ashley & Danielle. The third being Crystal. (Maybe I'll go more into depth about things that I've learned with the help of her later on.. when I'm ready to & if the right time presents itself.)

The practice of using the 'pretty lady' endearment was a totally unconscious one to me until four-ish months ago. And I remember the day that it was brought to light. I was working behind my counter at work when Dustin walked by right after Danielle had walked away. He asked something to the effect of if there was any reason that I had called her 'pretty lady'- if there was any meaning behind it, or if it was just something I said. I don't remember how I responded, but I do remember realizing that it wasn't just empty talk.. I was attracted to her, I just hadn't put two & two together. I'll point out to you, dear reader, that at this time I hadn't realized that I wasn't anything but straight. It hadn't crossed my mind in the slightest. I later found out, that she is lesbian.. not that that is here nor there. For a few months afterward, I saw her as just 'Danielle', a pretty chic (with admittedly a nice bum), who was into women. Recently, as in the last week or two.. if I am to be honest- and if I am not being honest then why I am writing this?- I've been noticing her more and wanting to make an effort to talk to her more & build some sort of rapport more than just co-workers. However, I don't see anything else happening.

Moving on, and thinking more about the topic of society's labels of 'straight', 'bi', 'gay', etc... I think instead of these labels, we should all just realize something that I've believed for years. What a person looks like on the outside, (how they identify themselves, what 'equipement' they have,) shouldn't matter in the slightest. It should be the person's soul that identifies who they are, and we should love them for that & not their physical characteristics..

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hello there!

Welcome to my new little place on the web!

A lot of changes have been going on within me in the last three to four months. I decided to start writing again, and documenting my thoughts, feelings & observations as my life progresses and I explore who I am & what I want to become more in depth. I did have another place that I had been writing, but unfortunately it seems to have been hijacked & no longer accessible by me.

Although that discovery bummed me out & saddened me that the only full written record of the last two or three years is lost to me forever, another part of me thinks that it works out well. I feel as though I am beginning a new chapter in my life. Starting a new blog site & purging myself of the old without having a chance to lament over old entries, experiences & lost loves/friends is more conducive to moving forward.

Within the future writings that will be contained in this blog, I hope to explore my experiences in life, love and friendships... Please feel free to comment & leave your input on anything that strikes a chord!