Thursday, October 7, 2010

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.

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