Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?

With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.

But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?

I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.

Brownie points scored! :P

Here's what my awesome boyfriend gave me for Valentine's Day.. so thoughtful! I honestly wasn't expecting anything.. so he totally racked up a few brownie points with them :P (Which doesn't mean much, really.. because he can piss me off or annoy me, and somehow fix it within five minutes--grrr!)

Meh.. Happy Hallmark holiday everyone

Is it wrong to think that I should be being pampered and exchanging loving or at least adoring (Remember, I don't do love anymore..) attention with someone right now?

Instead of cleaning house, making dinner for family and later going to be curling up and watching a few episodes of House, before taking a self-lit candle-lit shower and curling up to episodes of Friends before falling asleep?

Or is this just the effect of working retail, and seeing those love-y commercials on the TV, and hearing about the sweet things friends are doing for each other all building up to make an unrealistic desire in my own mind?

Having a hard time getting over someone..

I wish I could rewind time, and make up with someone that I spent many an awesome time with last year.. but I can't. And it sucks.

My best friend told me that it'd get better, and I'd move past it, and it's his loss. But seriously, she's been my best friend for twenty years, she's a bit biased and is supposed to say stuff like that.

How do others in this situation move on, and forget about someone? I can't see how others do it, pretend that someone else just doesn't exist anymore and have no urge to talk to them or to try to make things better and move on.

Constructive suggestions are totally welcome...

Might seem trivial, but happy news to me!

yay! *insert bubbly happy dance here*

A few months ago, I learned that I had library fines that I never knew about, FROM TEN YEARS AGO! I don't know whether to be disappointed in myself for letting so many years go by without visiting the local library, or whether to happy that I finally started going back?

Anyway...what was the happy dance for, I bet you're wondering? I just got them paid off yesterday! Yay! I am now in the clear to lend up to 75 (OMG, yes.. they allow SEVENTY-FIVE things at a time!) items at my leisure.

So, one less debt I have.. that is awesome :-) And, not five minutes after paying that off, I snagged a copy of a Stephen King novel that I've been trying to read for months.. maybe finally I can finish it!

Greater of two evils?

I can't decide which is worse 'evil' in life: the endings that come abruptly and you have no idea they are gonna happen until after they do (and you're left feeling like you were sideswiped in a hit and run); or the times when things drag on and on, way past when 'goodbye' should have been said, (because neither party wants to throw in the towel even though it's for the best)?

New Year, but same rut :(

I've been thinking lately, and wondering how I could have so screwed up a friendship with someone that I care about deeply so badly that it seems far past being fixable?

It seems the more I try to make amends, the worse it becomes. Every time, I think there's no possible way to make it worse~somehow I do.


We just had such AMAZING chemistry and got along wonderfully from the first time we met.. most people who know me, know I don't allow myself to feel much for others or believe in 'soul mates', but with this person I felt like I had known him for centuries, and through many past lives... And there's only been a few people, friends or otherwise, who I've EVER felt that way about.. and I am still friends with them, after 10-15-20 years. But somehow, in nine months time, I went from actually meeting him on here to being de-friended by him in both real-life and apparently on facebook..


I don't know..maybe I am just a sucky friend.. too selfish, self-centered? Is there no hope for me? It seems to me that he's already moved on from even our friendship, and I'm stuck moping for what I wrecked. I know there are far too many situations I could'a handled better, things I could;a explained better, or even said at all..

He always made me tongue-tied though, made my heart skip a beat.. and I am so very sorry for the horribly way I treated him. I miss his friendship :(

Free-love...without trying for peace

We're a free-love society (generation). I'm not for sure if many people haven't realized it, or just don't want to admit it.

Because, unlike the previous free-love generation, we are doing diddly squat in attempting to better the world, instead, just drinking, drugging, and sexing it up. We aren't bothering to picket, hold bed-ins or marches, but just filling the airwaves, cyber-world and airspace with our complaints-and no possible solutions.

In an age where it should be so very simpler to organize protests, and get information out there, we are instead filling our blogs, Facebook walls, and texts with what we had for breakfast, poetic love claims, and bitching about work.

This is so very depressing for my outlook on the future of our society.

My Happy Ending-Avril Lavigne

Not EXACTLY what I'm feeling, but as close as a song as I can find..

Survival skills?

I can't just be known for possessing certain 'relational' skills(come on, that's a skill not even able to put on a job resume!) or for my laugh.. or my 'cute' noises that hubby and Nick get a kick out of. Well, hubby does anyway.. Nick just smiles and chuckles a little.

I can't cook, (seriously, cannot even make jello!), never feel up to cleaning house, I don't know technology (and good thing too! because then what would I be keeping hubby around for?), and cannot follow driving directions in the slightest.
So when that last one came up most recently, the first thing that came to mind was the beginnings of this entry.

See, what happened was this..

I was following hubby and Jac from where they are staying to the interstate. Of course, after a few minutes, I started forgetting to pay attention, and daydreaming while driving. This caused me to not notice when they turned at a street and I kept going. But.. instead of calling them and finding them again.. I just figured I should find my own way to the interstate, even though I had no idea where I was, or what direction I needed to go.

Never mind though. You know it ended alright, because I am sitting here blogging about it! I managed after a few round about turns to find my way, all by myself.

I rock.

Not here, nope. Not feelin' it

oh crap.. no, no, feelings are not allowed to be felt or even to develop in any capacity. this is no good, and will only lead to hurt and pain, and falling off a cliff (you know, like mentally..not physically.. that'd be freakin' bad..) *knocks my head against the table*

A match of wills, (Wo)man vs. Machine

Okay, dear reader. this is a chick who realized last week how very sedentary her lifestyle has become and decided to challenge my treadmill to a match of wills. Never mind it's just a hunk of plastic, metal and a killer belt-I'm not quite for sure which will be more victorious in the end!

I've started the requisite log, I've kicked my ass.. and just after four times, I don't think I'm gonna keel over by the end of the 20 minutes! Yay! And.. AND I even kicked it up to five miles an hour in today's session, and did just fine. (Does it matter that it was only a minute or so, before I went back to 4 1/2/hour? )


So, this wasn't really a conscious New Year's Resolution.. but I guess with the timing, it counts right? I'm curious as to what other people have decided to make as their declarations for 2011. Have you made any, dear reader? How are you doing with them?

98 Degrees- The Hardest Thing

This is playing pretty regularly in my head.. reminiscent of a situation that is ongoing in my life right now.

In loving memory.. Jeff Schipper-1960-2010

I'm having a hard time grasping it. I found out earlier today that the man that I considered my dad for over half of my childhood passed away about a week ago. The news is hitting me harder than I ever thought it could.. and I know it's just a small part of what his real kids and family are going through.


I hadn't talked to him in years, ever since him and my mother split, but I still consider him the man that was there in my life who shared parenting with my mom from the time I was 6 to when I was 17. When he was home from the road, he picked up the slack that my own father had left. He was vital in helping shape who I have turned into today. He helped teach me how to ride a bike. How to clean house. He demanded respect, and taught me how to respect others. He stood his ground when a few of my high school boyfriend's crossed the line in relating to me.


He was a grand man. Might not have been by blood, but he was strong, independent, and awesome. And, for the most part, he treated me just like his own kids. We might not have been a typical family, but some of my favorite childhood memories involve some summers of us five kids and mom and Jeff all in one house, with Friday/Saturday night pizza nights when he got home from working, and watching him work in the shed, to getting rides in the semi. My first memories that involve him was when it was nighttime and he needed to get to work. I'd wake up, slung over his shoulder bouncing along as he carried me to the car. (Being that I couldn't be left home alone while mom took him to work (we had one car at the time).


My regret? Being a pain in the ass teenager, not trying to show him what I felt and how thankful I was that he was there. I know he was nowhere near perfect, and we had nowhere near the perfect 'family' life.. but we made it work.


For some reason, this is the song that's been stuck in my head all day in reference to writing something in memorial of him.




(And, whenever I hear a semi or smell diesel.. it actually brings back my memories from being a kid, in a fond way.)

And to my 'unofficial' step-sibilngs, thanks for treating me like the pain in the butt little sister I was. If you ever need anything, I'm here, just ask.

Maybe uncalled for, but it's a rant.. read if you like, if you don't, well that's cool too

I think some of the people I am friends with, (both on here and in real life,) need a reminder that high school was at least ten-twenty years ago for most of us! If you're a drama queen, don't like what I post or say and attack me for it, or just bitch non-stop about your issues and expect everyone to fix them for you, take it somewhere else. I'm fed up. I can't concentrate on figuring out what I need to do to better myself and my life when I have this constant barrage of bitching, personal attacks, and whininess coming from all directions. I swear, the teenagers that I know mostly act more adult then some people I know! (I've got two on my list here, daughters of my best friends, and I can't believe how much more level-headed and respectful they are then some of the older people I know!)


So, you don't like your life? Quit bitching and figure out what you want and go for it.


So, you think I make horrible choices in life, love, and the pursuit of my personal happiness? You know what? I don't give a f*ck. I'm quite happy with where I am in the dating arena and (most) of my friends. So, it goes against the grain of 'normal' society, and acceptable behaviors. Who decided what rules are that we are expected to follow? And what makes it the only way? I cannot believe the things that people push onto others!


For example: Last week I was having a conversation with a co-worker while we were kinda dead at work about dating and open relationships and whatnot. Another co-worker came up, butted in our conversation and made me absolutely speechless when she said that it (in reference to my decisions) was 'just sick', I needed to be shot, and I needed to move to Utah where they are messed up and allow polygamy. excuse, mother-f*cking, me?? She was dead serious..


So, you don't like things that I post or think I do it too much? There's an 'edit newsfeed' button for a reason. Use it.


So, okay, I'm not saying that I don't care to hear what you think. But don't expect me to hear your unfounded beliefs and criticisms about my choices and convert instantly to what you say when you have absolutely no hard, sustainable proof that what you believe and practice is better than how I've decided to do things in my own life.


I try hard not to push my beliefs and thoughts onto others, and I just ask that everyone respects that, and reflects that back at me.


(and you know what? I must say that the two guys I've dated in 'unusual' relationships, have treated me far better than all but one guy I've dated one-on-one..)

Major annoyance..

grrr... I finally get the chance to sit down and write about a topic that's been rattling around my head for about a month now. And my head is not feeling quite right, which means my typing isn't coming out like it should, horrible grammar/misspellings, and not coming across right..

Which ultimately means I can't write tonight.. SUCKY!!!!!!

Adoration, not love

I don't do love.

I mean, I do do love. I like love. It's okay in my book.

But I don't bother trying to love who I date, because I have fallen already... but that is not in the stars to work out. And I see no justification (?) in attempting to love another, knowing that I'd feel like a fraud when I know who I'd want to be with in a heartbeat if it was possible.

So, really..

I show love for my pup-(unconditional) and friend's (not expected to be more than what it is.)

I adore who I date, and don't just date anyone, or pick random 'joes'.. I still only seek out those with whom I have connections with or feel close to.

Just wanted to clarify..

Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..

I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?

Just between me and you.. (as in the rest of the world)...

After many months of being locked out of my blog, I was trying to figure out how to remember my login details by clicking around various links on blogger/google. And, lo & behold, somehow I got it to work again. I'm not quite for sure how I managed that, but I thought I was making a new account/new blog.. but it took me back this one!

So, yeah, I will finally have a place to vent and express my true thoughts/feelings/observations and I can stop doing it on Facebook again. ('Cause, admit it.. drama/'real life' problems on facebook is just plain annoying.)

I'm not planning on telling those few people who actually pay attention to my writing/blogging activities that I managed to access this and begin writing again though. If they happen across it, then all the better. But, if I consciously tell them, then I will be VERY aware of what I write, and that will hinder my internal 'purging' process.. and that's not helpful in the whole scheme of things, don't you agree, dear reader?

Yeah..so..

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.