In loving memory.. Jeff Schipper-1960-2010

I'm having a hard time grasping it. I found out earlier today that the man that I considered my dad for over half of my childhood passed away about a week ago. The news is hitting me harder than I ever thought it could.. and I know it's just a small part of what his real kids and family are going through.


I hadn't talked to him in years, ever since him and my mother split, but I still consider him the man that was there in my life who shared parenting with my mom from the time I was 6 to when I was 17. When he was home from the road, he picked up the slack that my own father had left. He was vital in helping shape who I have turned into today. He helped teach me how to ride a bike. How to clean house. He demanded respect, and taught me how to respect others. He stood his ground when a few of my high school boyfriend's crossed the line in relating to me.


He was a grand man. Might not have been by blood, but he was strong, independent, and awesome. And, for the most part, he treated me just like his own kids. We might not have been a typical family, but some of my favorite childhood memories involve some summers of us five kids and mom and Jeff all in one house, with Friday/Saturday night pizza nights when he got home from working, and watching him work in the shed, to getting rides in the semi. My first memories that involve him was when it was nighttime and he needed to get to work. I'd wake up, slung over his shoulder bouncing along as he carried me to the car. (Being that I couldn't be left home alone while mom took him to work (we had one car at the time).


My regret? Being a pain in the ass teenager, not trying to show him what I felt and how thankful I was that he was there. I know he was nowhere near perfect, and we had nowhere near the perfect 'family' life.. but we made it work.


For some reason, this is the song that's been stuck in my head all day in reference to writing something in memorial of him.




(And, whenever I hear a semi or smell diesel.. it actually brings back my memories from being a kid, in a fond way.)

And to my 'unofficial' step-sibilngs, thanks for treating me like the pain in the butt little sister I was. If you ever need anything, I'm here, just ask.

Maybe uncalled for, but it's a rant.. read if you like, if you don't, well that's cool too

I think some of the people I am friends with, (both on here and in real life,) need a reminder that high school was at least ten-twenty years ago for most of us! If you're a drama queen, don't like what I post or say and attack me for it, or just bitch non-stop about your issues and expect everyone to fix them for you, take it somewhere else. I'm fed up. I can't concentrate on figuring out what I need to do to better myself and my life when I have this constant barrage of bitching, personal attacks, and whininess coming from all directions. I swear, the teenagers that I know mostly act more adult then some people I know! (I've got two on my list here, daughters of my best friends, and I can't believe how much more level-headed and respectful they are then some of the older people I know!)


So, you don't like your life? Quit bitching and figure out what you want and go for it.


So, you think I make horrible choices in life, love, and the pursuit of my personal happiness? You know what? I don't give a f*ck. I'm quite happy with where I am in the dating arena and (most) of my friends. So, it goes against the grain of 'normal' society, and acceptable behaviors. Who decided what rules are that we are expected to follow? And what makes it the only way? I cannot believe the things that people push onto others!


For example: Last week I was having a conversation with a co-worker while we were kinda dead at work about dating and open relationships and whatnot. Another co-worker came up, butted in our conversation and made me absolutely speechless when she said that it (in reference to my decisions) was 'just sick', I needed to be shot, and I needed to move to Utah where they are messed up and allow polygamy. excuse, mother-f*cking, me?? She was dead serious..


So, you don't like things that I post or think I do it too much? There's an 'edit newsfeed' button for a reason. Use it.


So, okay, I'm not saying that I don't care to hear what you think. But don't expect me to hear your unfounded beliefs and criticisms about my choices and convert instantly to what you say when you have absolutely no hard, sustainable proof that what you believe and practice is better than how I've decided to do things in my own life.


I try hard not to push my beliefs and thoughts onto others, and I just ask that everyone respects that, and reflects that back at me.


(and you know what? I must say that the two guys I've dated in 'unusual' relationships, have treated me far better than all but one guy I've dated one-on-one..)

Major annoyance..

grrr... I finally get the chance to sit down and write about a topic that's been rattling around my head for about a month now. And my head is not feeling quite right, which means my typing isn't coming out like it should, horrible grammar/misspellings, and not coming across right..

Which ultimately means I can't write tonight.. SUCKY!!!!!!

Adoration, not love

I don't do love.

I mean, I do do love. I like love. It's okay in my book.

But I don't bother trying to love who I date, because I have fallen already... but that is not in the stars to work out. And I see no justification (?) in attempting to love another, knowing that I'd feel like a fraud when I know who I'd want to be with in a heartbeat if it was possible.

So, really..

I show love for my pup-(unconditional) and friend's (not expected to be more than what it is.)

I adore who I date, and don't just date anyone, or pick random 'joes'.. I still only seek out those with whom I have connections with or feel close to.

Just wanted to clarify..

Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..

I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?

Just between me and you.. (as in the rest of the world)...

After many months of being locked out of my blog, I was trying to figure out how to remember my login details by clicking around various links on blogger/google. And, lo & behold, somehow I got it to work again. I'm not quite for sure how I managed that, but I thought I was making a new account/new blog.. but it took me back this one!

So, yeah, I will finally have a place to vent and express my true thoughts/feelings/observations and I can stop doing it on Facebook again. ('Cause, admit it.. drama/'real life' problems on facebook is just plain annoying.)

I'm not planning on telling those few people who actually pay attention to my writing/blogging activities that I managed to access this and begin writing again though. If they happen across it, then all the better. But, if I consciously tell them, then I will be VERY aware of what I write, and that will hinder my internal 'purging' process.. and that's not helpful in the whole scheme of things, don't you agree, dear reader?

Yeah..so..

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.

meh..

good thing I don't HAVE to be to work until 12.. but I better get moving if I want to be there earlier..

In regards to a recurring pattern with a few friends..

I hate it when I feel like I'm just a filler for someone until something better comes along.. be it relationships, plan making, or time using... Once is understandable, twice.. hmmm, okay... but three times in a short time? Nuhuh.. I'm more valuable and deserve better than that.. at least I have always been able to count on Jen for the last twenty years! :P

Quick Quote

One of my friends posted this online this morning, and it resonated with me, so I snagged it...

"I am bad at life. Dreamers don't last long in this world. Upkeep and maintenance have always been something I have failed at. Is the world falling apart or is that just me?"

Hello there, dear reader!I'm here to tell you about the very nice Sunday that I spent with a new friend.. Would you care for the short or the long version?

Here's the (very short) version if: A) you don't have the time to read paragraphs of stuff or B) you don't have the interest, ambition or care to read all about it...

I had the most awesome, relaxing day with Jarien.. and got a dose of awesome heavy metal to boot by having a front row seat to Insanguine's practice today :) I'm now very sleepy, but feeling good!

End of short version.

If you're still reading, I assume you'd like more details. Continue on, as you please!

We decided earlier in the week that we wanted to go to a park and play on equipment. Shortly before we met up, we decided to make a picnic of it as well. After battling a train (that screwed up the traffic lights at a corner), slow-ass drivers & every single red light, I finally met up with him at Hy-Vee in Iowa City. He bought a great deal of yummy picnic food including: turkey, kiwis, English muffin bread, avocados, chips/dip, & mango orange juice. We headed to a park just a few blocks away from the music studio where he was going to have band practice, and enjoyed wonderful conversation in addition to the food.. We realized shortly after sitting down that the avocados and kiwi's were going to have to wait to eaten because we didn't have a single sharp object on us. Well.. we had car keys, but that was just not appealing to use something dirty and not very sanitary...

After we ate our sandwiches and was comfortably full, I was picking up the trash. The only trash can in that little park was near the corner, past the equipment. I apparently spun the merry go-round slightly as I walked by it, without realizing it, because he suggested that we play on it, because of that!

*Note, dear reader: It may not be a good idea to spin around very quickly or for very long right after you eat..!*

Anywho. Back on the topic of mary go-rounds. I honestly don't remember that one being as small as it is. Thankfully I can say that it is another example for the argument that size doesn't matter! It went fast enough to get the dizzying and gravitation pull effect! :P

After just a bit, we realized that it was nearing 2:30, and his band practice was set to start between 2-2:30 so we cleaned up our mess and made our way to the car.

practice
-set up took awhile
-four songs, 2&4 were the best!
-no, i don't want headphones or earplugs!!

park
-got chilly!
-pool opens the fifth of june
-ate some more
-debated Creed

my house
-changed into jeans-too chilly!!

walk around pond
-rained off and on.. took shelter under bridge & shelters

my house
-changed into dry

his house
-listened to music
-one on one
-supper, aldredo with pasta and vegetables

Society's unreasonable norms & expectations..

I’m so confused by society’s norms, rules & expectations anymore.

There are so many things that dictate who you can love, where you can love, and how you can express your love and desire, affections and passion for another human being that it’s not even funny.

Really… Am I the only one that has a problem with this?

First of all, according to modern day American society, you are only allowed to marry one other person, even with great strides recently it is still really only accepted as a person of the opposite sex. If you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, you are constantly on (high) alert for acts of unacceptance, jokes, snide comments, & on… & on… You are also subject to what is really unwarranted feelings and ideas that you need to live ‘within the norm’, and build your life accordingly because you worry about how your friends, family, neighbors would accept what you really want. For example:

A man being attracted to only other males, but his father has always put down and been verbally assaultive towards other members of society who express these desires & act on them- so he never ‘comes out of the closet’-- and thus, not to mention that feelings of self-hatred and depression would often be by-products, he is robbed of the happiness he deserves to find.
A woman discovers herself to be bisexual, but due to reactions of her immediate family to her aunt being a lesbian, never officially dates another woman--and never feels complete happiness & satisfaction in relationships.
A group of three people, two women & a man, discovering that they have immense attraction to each of the others, and connect so well on many of the levels that people look for, but do not pursue a relationship because of fear of how to announce such a arrangement to family, friends & society in general, and how it will be accepted or not-- are cheated out of a possible way to fulfillment and happiness that isn’t ‘allowed’.

Yes, I know, in several places, the laws are being changed to allow for same sex marriages, but if you really think about it, it’s far from REALLY being accepted. There are still stories routinely in the news about people being discriminated, beaten and even killed for pursuing what makes them happy, fulfilled and able to completely be themselves. Also, not in the news, but in everyday life… Everywhere you turn, if you listen close enough, you can hear discriminatory jokes, statements and attitudes that can breed unacceptance, contempt and hatred towards people of different orientations.

Who decided that the best way was a mom & dad, 2.2 kids, and a dog in suburbia America? Why not 2 men with an adopted child? Why not a woman in two separate public relationships-with one woman & one man? Why not a man in a relationship with a woman in a relationship with another woman? WHO SET THESE IDEALS??

And who dictated that that was the ONLY form of acceptable relationship? Who says that this is the only way for society to be successful and prosperous?

There are several different ‘types’ of relationships. What about those people who feel absolutely wonderful & happy in a relationship with not one, but two other people? Why is there such a stigma attached to this idea? So, there are three people very close to one another that share an incredible attraction and bond with one another… Why does the number matter?

Or, say for instance, a man who desires to have two wives? Why is this wrong? So, he goes home to two women & not one… What makes the difference to people outside the household?

Enough with the issue that you aren’t allowed by society to be with who you want to be with. What about showing that love in public? I’m not talking about the inability to go full fledged naked and have sex with your partner in the public’s eye… But the simple act of holding hands or giving a kiss, for instance. I’m 25, and still sometimes hear the kiddies remarks of ‘Go get a room’ or ‘Can’t you wait until you get home?’ when someone walks by with their partner… and heaven forbid, that partner is same sex! I can NOT believe the close-minded, disgusting remarks that I’ve heard co-workers make when that happens to occur!

I have a couple of co-workers that I greatly admire for doing what makes them happy, even though I know that it must be hard for them sometimes. When I met them, one worked in Stationary, and the other in candy. They apparently hit it off very well, for they started dating… which sounds like any other relationship, except that he is married. This revelation started the whole store buzzing, and snide comments were flying around like nothing else. Then, she learned she was expecting his child- which she actually just gave birth to the little one this last week- and they were ecstatic.

You know the best part? His wife knows all about her, and totally is cool with it. I personally admire them for going after what makes them happy & content… They know what other associates are saying about them, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS! They don’t bother trying to hide anything, I’ve seen them walking around the store hand in hand, I’ve seen the ‘naked’ love for each other on their faces, I’ve seen them kiss… it’s just positively inspiring to me.

Going back to my statement that I wasn’t talking about full-fledged intimacy with your lover in public… Maybe I DO mean to include that… What makes that wrong? Is there something so horribly wrong with seeing the human body in its true form? Why is sex so taboo? Maybe not going so far as too having sex up against a car in a parking lot… But what’s with the idea that even at home, the drapes must be pulled before engaging in activity? The body is a beautiful thing; the act is a part of nature… If you are a little shy or insecure about how you look, why might that be? Maybe a personal trait that you were born with, but couldn’t it also be a way that society is…? The messages that you hear from society is that sex is bad, (yet they use it to sell EVERYTHING,), you shouldn’t show too much skin or you’ll be slutty (yet, what do you see EVERYWHERE in advertising?), anyone would feel confused after receiving all the mixed messages in media!

This writing, (well, rant if you want to call it that,) all started with just a few thoughts that have been rattling around m head for a little while now-mostly subconsciously for awhile. For some reason they came up to the forefront of my mind a few days ago, and have been accumulating on one another until now. It all started with the one thought, “Why is it always assumed that if you do have a soul mate, that the number is always one?” Are you not allowed two..? Three..? People change over their lifespan, what if you grow away from the person you feel at one with..? Does that mean you’re screwed for the rest of your life?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that you have multiple soul mates, if you believe in such a thing? One for each stage in your life? So that, if and when you ‘outgrew’ one, than you have another waiting sometime in the future?

And if that is the case, why couldn’t you have more than one soul mate, at the same point in your life?

What if you don’t believe in soul mates at all? What then? Are you doomed to wander the Earth alone for your time here? Do you just find one person after another that suits your fancy? What would make a person of this belief truly happy?

Another question… Does believing in soul mates mean that you believe in the existence of souls? And that opens the whole can of worms regarding god, religion and what happens after you die…

First clothing addtion..

Today, I totally hit the(small) jackpot today, clothes-wise!

Went over to Stuff, Etc after work & managed to find two new skirts, a pair of pants and a new peasant-type shirt for work... very excited! I don't remember the last time that I actually had a skirt (or two) to wear to work.. I do know it was before the dress code kicked in, which was two or three years ago. I used to wear them ALL the time!

Very cool!

*Extra.. Now, it's Saturday, and I'm going to rock my new pants, shirt for work.. and dug my FAVORITE Sarah Jessica Parker canvas shoes out of the closet.. So comfy for today!*

I took a few new pics...

(The necklace that I've worn pretty much non-stop since my best friend went to Iraq a couple of tours ago... it's a little worse for the wear, but not coming off or getting fixed until I see him again!

Imagine-John Lennon

The Vine, rain, great music, awesome company=great time!

Bleh… My muse seems to have left the building, in same fashion as Elvis.

I have plenty to write about, I just have no inspiration to actually do it. Or, really, to do it in a fashion that will hold the interest of anyone for more than a minute. But, really... I don't know more than a few people who have this blog address… and I think that those two are biased to reading what I write (: P).

So, here goes unmotivated, uninspired writing… if you fall asleep during it, I hope you have wonderful dreams.

Let me tell you about the wonderful time that I had on Saturday.

I made plans to meet up with a guy friend of my lil' sister at The Vine, Saturday evening at eight o'clock. I had talked with him regularly online and hung out with him once at The Mill; at a Snow Demon show… a pretty cool guy. Not too bad on the eyes either, if I can say so myself..! A little taller then me, longer dark hair, dark eyes, total music freak like myself. Not overweight in the slightest, actually perhaps a bit muscular (from what I can tell… I didn't think to rip his shirt off or nothing lol!)

*Anyway… like I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself!*

Jarien and I met inside, and fell into a wonderful conversation almost immediately. The poor waitress had to come over three or four times before we finally had looked at the menu & decided what we wanted. He ordered artichoke dip with chips, I ordered a chicken with bacon sandwich, and for us to share we also ordered a cheese fry appetizer. Now, I don't know where they learned portion sizes, but this plate of cheese fries could've been a spare tire for a car! The thing was HUGE! Not only that, but apparently my sandwich also came with fries... ohhh... and the yummiest sauce EVER!

It was incredibly loud in there, which is funny because we had made plans originally to get together where we could hold a conversation and actually hear one another being the only other time that we had been face-to-face was at a heavy metal show... but the racket really didn't phase me at all. Nothing like loud noises usually do when I’m by myself or just in a regular social setting.

On this wonderful night, it was intermittently pouring down rain… But we paid little attention to the people coming in and out; Instead, talking about music, (a VERY major like for both of us,) our upbringing, (turns out that we actually grew up in the same neighborhood at around the same time! Quite possibly might’ve even met once or twice when we were little…), food preferences (He‘s a vegetarian, I only eat a little meat)…

Eventually, the topic made its way to the show that he was planning on going to after we had dinner together. He thought it started at 10:30, but wasn’t a hundred percent, so I looked it up on my phone. Turns out that it was actually scheduled to run from 7:30-10:30, according to the almighty Facebook. By this time, it was nearing 9:30. He asked me if I wanted to go to it with him, and he’d pay my way in. We decided we’d had enough of the loud restaurant/bar, and finished up. He had the most awesome, self-less idea that I had heard in awhile… And one that I had never heard anyone suggest before… He suggested that we bag up the leftovers and give them to a homeless person on the way. That just bowled me over- such a self-less idea! Totally amazing. How many people just bag it up, take it home, and often it just sits in the refrigerator until it goes bad? That same food that would make another person’s day and maybe is the only thing that they have to eat?

We left The Vine, and headed out into the pouring rain. I did have an umbrella, which we both tried to stay under, but that didn’t work very well. So we just ran for it! And I had a blast! We ran from the south side of downtown to the middle… Laughing, running around (and through) puddles- it was great! Apparently, I run very well for a chick wearing knee high, black boots… He said something like a lot of chicks can’t run- or do this fake, I can’t run thing… This made me laugh, the way he said it! I bet that we might’ve looked a bit silly running like that, but you know what? I don’t care! It was fun- getting soaked, dodging around massive puddles, grates & raging streams in the road!

We got about two thirds of the way there when the rain stopped, and we could walk a bit more normally to Public Space One where the show was. Arriving there about ten, we found out that the band he wanted to see, ‘WhysperSmyth’, went on at 10:30, so he wanted to go & see if a friend of his wanted to come see it as well.. He didn’t, so we headed back to the show just in time to watch them start warming up. Unfortunately, the couch we had been sitting on previously was taken, so we grabbed a few folding chairs. That was okay with me, I knew that if the band was any good then I’d be unconsciously inching my way closer to the stage anyway. That seems to be what I do with bands that I go see that I really dig. I’ll start at the back of the crowd, but without realizing it at all, I’ll slowly but steadily make my way to the front. It’s the music that pulls me to it.

The performance was awesome; Kate (the lead singer) has the most awesome voice- the best way I can think to describe it is that it is like a cross between Cher, Billie Holiday and Janis Joplin. She’s also a little cutie too! I would never have guessed that such a powerful, sultry voice could come out of someone so tiny and ‘cute’ as she is! At one point, I was up closer to the stage, and Jarien came up and stood next to me & put his arm around me briefly. It was really nice! He wasn’t smothering or anything, and a complete gentleman then, and all night long. It was just a gesture that seemed to say, “I’m here, and this music is awesome…” or something like that. I’m sure you know what I mean, dear reader!

After they were finished playing, we did the customary, ‘Great show,’ thing. Jarien works with one of the guitarists, which is how he heard about the band in the first place. They shot the breeze for just a few minutes and he also made some much needed ‘musician’ connections… Info and contacts on who to get a hold of to book a show there himself. (He plays rhythm guitar and is lead vocals in the band, Insanguine…) So, perhaps I’ll get to see him on stage playing soon! If not there, I’m sure somewhere else because they’ve played several other venues lately from the look of their band page. .

The night started to wind down then… We wandered in and out of a few places, picking up a few people he knew as we walked, and then met up with his brother, who was working on his homework at a pizza place. They closed shortly after that for the night, so we again headed out into the night & down to sit at Gabe’s & talk for a bit. Unfortunately, the combination of how late it was getting, combined with the loudness of the place, we decided to call it a night.

Which might’ve been a good thing because as soon as I got home, changed into my pj’s, & uploaded the show’s photos, I crashed in front of my computer for about a half hour & then slept for ten hours after that in my comfy bed. Apparently I was a lot more tired than I thought!

We’ve made tentative plans for this Sunday, I may go watch Insanguine at their band practice & then, depending on the weather, we may go scout out some playgrounds. Might sound weird, but that’s another thing that we have in common- we both like going to playgrounds and swinging on the swings!

A pain in the ass, but the results are so pretty!

Hello dear reader! I know I haven't written lately.. but it was a busy weekend! I don't have enough time to tell you about my wonderful time on Saturday night, but I shall show you what I did on Sunday!

I figured since office hubby virtually started spring cleaning my closet, I should start on the rest of the house..and the first room to be attacked was my bedroom.. (One, because it sorely needed it; Second, because the rest of the house is cleaned on a regular basis but when I get to my bedroom, I tend to just fall into bed and that's that..)

Before pics..




And.. what it looks like now...

Does He Love You by Reba Feat. Linda Davis

Music is my life.. I talk about it constantly, probably too much if you ask my friends!

This song would be one of the reasons why... or really, one piece of proof that music has always been a part of me, and has been a passion of mine since I learned how to talk. Even though I no idea what the song meant when I was six, I belted it out word for word-and my second mom always thought I was good..at least she told me I was. Now that I am almost 26, the picture is becoming clearer and clearer. Anymore though, I don't sing aloud around anyone. I know I suck, and don't want to subject anyone noise like that!

Does He Love You-Reba


I have known the lyrics by heart to this song for as long as I can remember.. and have had the tape (yes, cassette) since the album was released in 1993. Granted, the quality of the recording isn't the best anymore. The last time I played it, the first 30 seconds, Reba sounded as though she was singing under water. But, until tonight, I never thought to listen to the song on any other form of media than that well-worn, cracked cased, loved tape.

Minor annoyances..

Augghhh! Seriously, I maybe investing in a nun's habit soon! I'm sooo done with dating & relationships right now!

Remember the ex that I mentioned to you, dear reader? The one from the show.. the one who has issues that I dated last year? After all the craziness he displayed, and the trust that was shattered.. I had elected to just stay casual friends with him.

He KNEW that was all that I wanted, and all that he was going to get..

He just had to push it.. He emailed me an invitation to a romantic dinner last weekend.

"...comes forth to request the presence of Seana Pierce for a romantic night for two.Sunday April 25,2010 at 7:00pm.To the Classy Cafe Down Off the Street.Including from the grill fresh T-bone steak,baked potato,macaroni salad and green beans.Food to make your mouth water.Under candle lit conditions to calm your soul.Music to sooth the savage beast with in.Flowers for solace.A smile that warms your hart awaits your acceptance." (Not to mention all the spelling & grammatical errors that made me cringe..)

This is where it comes in that I hate hurting people no matter what they've done in the past.. I never answered it, a small part of me hoping that he would just forget the idea I guess.

Not so lucky. After the show last night, the idea must've lodged further in his ill-functioning brain.. he sent me a message asking my response. I declined, saying that I wanted to stay friends & maybe work on maintaining the friendship/shattered trust than to reinstate dating with such a rocky, non-existent foundation that would be doomed to failure anyway, because my faith & trust in him was gone. His responses were as follows:

April 21 at 10:29pm
Thanks for working & talking it out with me too.I'm glad its all about you. Thanks to for stompin' on my hart again it feels really good! Just block me :( .
April 21 at 11:53pm Report
All right...thanks for at least telling me this time.Much better.Kudos to you.Thank you.

Just a few weeks ago we where talking kids and all that.Now a short time later,nothing again.I'm sorry about the whole alpha bullshit.

I've "dated/relationship" with you and if that is how you treat me...then I don't really want to be a "friend".You didn't even say hi or bye at the show.You don't really talk to me anyway.Your talking to the *Smiths* again and all your new friends.You don't need or want me around.I know when to take a hint.I served my role( not very well)I don't want you to hurt me again.

Sorry,I'll be angry and broken harted but who cares?I'll get over it again sooner or later.I'll just stay away from you.

So you know I'm blocking you.I guess I'll leave yahoo open for a rainy day.I'll lose your number as well...I wouldn't want you to have to change your number cuz I told you "I love you".You don't talk to me anyway.You don't even love me.I wont go to any more Snow Demon or Burnout shows...so you don't have to worry about me. You really never needed me for much of anything anyway.Well have fun in your adventure with your life.Good Bye Seana Pierce

I'm the pariah who walks the path...

Okay, dear reader.. let's break this disillusioned correspondence up in more manageable pieces, shall we?

Paragraph(ish) one.. I didn't realize that I had to clear everything I thought, felt or wanted through anyone who offered me a dinner invitation? If that's the case, than I am surely screwed.. and not in a good way. And stompin' on his heart? Please... This is the guy that can magically 'turn his emotions & feelings' off and on at a whim. I can't imagine he was that invested when we were actually dating last year, let alone now.

Paragraph Two.. I don't know who he was 'talking kids' with a couple of weeks ago, but it sure wasn't me. The last time we had any conversation anywhere near that topic was late last year.. Okay, maybe he's a *tad* sorry for the 'alpha bullshit'- but after I found out what I did today, I doubt it.

Paragraph Three.. He sounds like a verbal version of a broken red, rubber ball. So many partial thoughts in there that make no sense, and put together like that just hurts my brain. I didn't say an 'official' hi or bye to many of my friends that were there, but they aren't chewing me out. I think I need some more enlightenment on this paragraph in order for me to even care about my side of it... oh, besides the fact that he talks about my friends like they make all my decisions for me & run my life... gah. So not the case. They're not the reason I broke up with him- he is. *Note.. I changed the last name of the friends that he mentioned..*

Paragraph Four.. A bad version of a pity party, meant to tug on my heart strings. Jo Dee Messina's 'My Give A Damn's Busted' comes to mind.

Paragraph Five.. More pity party, meant to be controlling, demeaning and aggressive. Yeah, I see right through it. I know what's going on. He's trying to make it all my fault that things didn't work out, and whatever. As for him not showing up to the shows? I don't believe it. That's one of his major 'claim to fame's' that he knows those bands, and is 'unofficial' member that helps with set up, tear down, van mechanics, etc..

But, you know what? I'm done with him. I've purged all of this out, and am not going to waste another word or thought on him. I have awesome friends that I love, and a pretty decent life, all things considered.

That's all on this, dear reader!

Mini-reunions + minor annoyances=still a good time had!

I'm sorry if this entry is a bit garbled, dear reader.. that's just what the inside of my brain is like right now, and has been increasingly so over the last few weeks...

Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking up for what I want, for what I desire? I'd rather have others that I care about a lot have what they want, even if it was the same thing that I wanted & we both cannot have it. Why can't I be one of those people that just greedily take what I want, and not worry about those around me? That's what a lot of people around me do, sometimes to me & the rest of the time I just witness the behavior.

I swear, right now my brain feels like it's inside a barrel racing down a hillside.. all the thoughts running together & flying around so quickly that I cannot react to any of them individually, or even know fully what it is about before it's out of my reach and back into space again.

Does that sound crazy? Perhaps. But, it's how it feels, and it's my little writing & exploring place on the world wide web.. so I think it's all good.

Hm. Should I start with a good event? Or a bad one?

Well, I guess I should start with the good one.. that comes first chronologically, and thus might make more sense. You might guess, if you've talked to me the last few days, what the good time involved.. and that was the show I went to last night at The Mill in Downtown Iowa City--



I know all but one member of Snow Demon, and try to go to at least one of their shows a month. Unfortunately, my ex is friends with them as well, and he's at all their shows also. That's proved to be a disasturous social situation in the past, although not so much last night... just later, which I'll get into later...

Anyway. I went down there with a co-worker of mine- not really someone I'd consider a full-fledged friend, but with our history I just keep the saying in mind, 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' The first band was already playing- they actually started BEFORE 'official' show time, not a half hour later like most shows downtown. SuperChief was really good.. a southern biker meets heavy metal equals frickin' awesome!

Right after the last song finished, I heard to my left.. 'Well, hello there Miss Seana!' It was J! I had been talking to him online for awhile, and he's also friends with one of the guys from Snow Demon, and many other downtown indie regulars. I had texted him earlier that night to ask if he was going to the show, because I'd love for us to finally hang out together. And he showed.. The three of us went outside to regain some of our hearing back before Droids Attack took to the stage, and were in good conversation when my ex came up and neatly inserted himself in our conversation. Us ladies waited a few minutes and excused ourselves to the bathroom, and met up again with them right before the music started. My ex disappeared back to his side of the audience, and the music started. I had noticed a chick in a booth to the side of the band, I thought she looked a lot like someone I had met at Studio a few months ago, (Stacy,) but I wasn't for sure.

The first half of the set SUCKED.. Elizabeth and I even went outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air, and then came back in and sat down in a booth.. turns out it was her! So, a mini-reunion was had.. and it made the night that much better.
Right after this, the main guitarist of Droids Attack snapped a string on his guitar. And, magically, after he switched guitars, they rocked the house! Weird, but definitely not a bad thing!

Snow Demon was the third band, and I've gotta say.. I wasn't expecting much, or that I'd really like the changes that have been made (new guitarist, no more covers), but the opposite was true. Brad got a rockin' guitar solo in one of the new songs, and all in all, it was a great performance! A great night really, J & I really hit it off, had fun with Stacy & Liz.. the only negative was that my ex kept coming by intermittedly through the evening to talk & what-not. But.. it's all good..

Be Gone, Junk drawers!

As previously mentioned, my next goal is to attack my desk/writing area. The thing has seven drawers chock full of things, and do you want to know what the funny thing is, dear reader? I only use the bottom right one on any regular basis- and that's the 'cord drawer'. You know, where I store all my computer wires, my phone charger, my camera USB cord, etc, etc. That stuff that really doesn't even belong in my desk, really.



I figured I'd better attack this area next for two reasons: one, I finally have some bedroom furniture on the way, (It's been about six or seven years since I've had actual bedroom furniture in my bedroom;)and two, my packrattedness was found out by office hubby when he was over fixing my internet awhile ago. So, to show I'm not a total slob, I'm going to get rid of all the seldom used or needed junk.

I guess it would also be good to get all of my writing stuff back out from under my bed and into aforementioned desk!

Oh, so that's what it looks like!

Phase One of the wardrobe overhaul has been in progress for one week now.. And there is significant progress made, although it may not seem like it.

One instance, the goal that I set last week of having the chair completely void of clothing, and turned back into a viable sitting place is completed!


(This is what my beautiful, comfy reading chair actually looks like, dear reader!)

All of my clothing inventory is now back in my closet- shoes, belts, clothes, accessories & all!

Although, I didn't get the chance to completely go through it last week, like I set out to do. But that's okay. Slowly, but surely, office hubby & I will knock it out when we get the chance! He's a rather busy man, with school, work, family, etc.. but he makes time to hang out with me (usually at work or virtually lol) & I think it is now his mission to make my wardrobe much more worthy of seeing- so it will get done eventually.

My next goal is go through my desk & empty it out of all non-writing/art things.. The entire thing has become one big junk drawer, and my writing stuff is in totes under my bed.. how does that work??

Facebookin' & Real Life Cravings..

Do you ever feel as if you spend way too much time on Facebook? I think I do! When I see a comment or status on another site that appeals to me, I automatically try to 'like' it.. or when I go to write something, I automatically begin to start it with 'is..'!

In other, but somehow semi-related, news.. I've been craving a certain situation that I can't do by myself. It'd be a sort of mental TLC, if you will.

For some reason, I've been craving a dinner cooked by someone other than me, followed by curling up in front of a good movie with someone else. It wouldn't even have to be intimate or a dating partner, just to spend time with people close to me would be awesome. Did I mention out of the house, and something OTHER than mac & cheese with hot dogs..? But I don't see this happening for awhile, so I am brainstorming for other ways to gain my own recharge & TLC.. I really need to find something to do soon because I feel like I am going a bit crazy!

I used to take candlelit showers that went a long way to helping me relax, but they haven't even been effective in the least lately.

(And, I think I just realized why I've been craving this.. I had an ex, Chad, who used to do this for me at least once or twice a week.. in addition to other nights of the week pampering me with candle-lit massages with Maxinque's 'Tricky' album playing in the background. He spoiled me, I think. And I haven't dated anyone since that has even thought about doing those sorts of things for me without major 'hinting' from me.. )

Anyway. Here's a question for you, dear reader.. what do you do to relax & recharge after a hectic day or week?

Just a quick note..

that I wish I could just carry around a fully functioning shower with me, everywhere I go! That's the only consistant time in my day where I feel sexy & love how my body looks.. plus I LOVE water!! (One of my exes even used to call me his 'water princess' that's how much I like showers, baths, the beach, swimming, etc.) :P

Now, back to your regularly scheduled surfing!

Crazy's back in town..

The way my life has been going lately, if I didn't have Dustin & Josh as two of the most awesome guy friends the world has ever known, I would think that the ENTIRE male species was a foreign and odd alien life form.

And I would've become a nun way before now!

I just want one week (at the very bare minimum), where I don't have drama or crazy exes intruding in on my life! It seems lately, that at least one of them are coming out of the shadows to torment me EVERY single day!

Let's delve into my taxing and rather stressful week, shall we? Perhaps I will feel better, and hopefully I don't get on your nerves with things that may seem trivial or annoying to you, dear reader.. if so, feel free to zoom right past this entry.

Let's start with Sunday.. that's the day already outlined in a previous entry, where Derek just flabbergasted me with his closemindedness & arrogant jack-assedness.

Monday, more of the same of THAT.. plus, I found out that my stalker ex, Clint, has somehow convinced the woman he's been dating for about 6 years that they should get married. You would think that would be good news for me, and not be the cause of any legitimate stress on my part. This would be true, and probably should be, except for the fact that I've been friends with her just as long as I've known him. Also, he's the same guy professing his 'undying love' for me.. over and over again for the past decade. He's also drove down from Waterloo (70+ miles)just last week to try to find me at work to talk to me about 'us' and to try to convince me to give it another shot (yeah right!)..

I wouldn't give this another thought, but I'm concerned for her wellbieng... I told her I support her, but I can't back her decision to go through with this. She knows I'll be there for her, but other than that I'm trying to put it it out of my mind where it belongs..

That brings us to yesterday... nothing major happened, just more of the same from Derek. And a guy that I (very) briefly dated earlier this year came in to say hi. Even though he was quite implicit that he didn't want to be friends or talk at all if we were not going to pursue dating one another, he has been coming in irregularly to chat and whatnot. Though, I'm not interested in the slightest & shove him out of the department as quickly and as nicely as I can. Really, nothing major.. which is good, because today had enough to mess with me mentally for both days.

My morning was quite wonderful, and so was my day at work until about mid-afternoon. That was when one of the few 'old timer' associates came into my department and dropped off some not-so-lovely news for me. She's a very no-nonsense, serious person who works in GM receiving- so I was surprised to see her in my department. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said a necklace. But she didn't really look at anything, and while she was busy pretending as she was, she piped up with, "I saw your old Beau the other day..".

I thought she was talking about my most recent ex, who caused a major turbulent time in my life earlier this year, the one that I broke up with last December. I asked her if that was who she was talking about, and she said, "Nope. Josh's brother, Jay."

As a matter of fact, she was talking about my crazy ex-fiance'. The one, if you remember from my dating history entry, was very controlling & wouldn't take no for an answer for ANYTHING. The one who I tried breaking up with multiple times, and he would sit on the hill outside my house, watching me come & go.. the one that followed me to Nebraska, etc..

He apparently was in the store on Monday, and looks a lot worse for the wear. (Which, I don't know if that says much, because he never was much for looking at.) She seemed pretty concerned in her off-hand, unspoken, stern way & the impression I got was that he was trying to find out if I was still around without coming out and asking. I don't know if he's still in town, or if he'll be in again. I haven't seen him in many years, since he moved to Texas & started seeing a psychiatrist. (Which he always blamed me for.. but he was messed up way before I came along.)

I would've normally just taken the news, swished it around in my brain & passed it on through, and would've loved for that to happen. Unfortunately for reasons beyound my understanding, instead of passing it through, my brain swished it around & struck alight remenants of unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts related to experiences & what-not from my past. Which tried to strike an anxiety attack... didn't make for a very pleasant evening at work for me. (The sane part of my brain, however, knows that the chance is very, very slim that he's actually going to look for me at work or even cares in the slightest.)

That, however, brings me full circle to my appreciation for my wonderful best friend! He didn't know what had struck such a bad chord with me, but he tried making me laugh via text messages to distract me- and he was successful to some degree.

Which is good, because I don't think I'd look good in a nun's habit..!

Phase One has started...

If you recall my last entry dear reader, I was discussing the major overhaul that my wardrobe needed. Well, phase one has commenced!

Office hubby came over today on his lunch break and started helping me go through my closet & getting rid of the unflattering, unstylish clothes that take up space in my closet. I would say that I haven't worn over 5/6's of the stuff in over a year, and 3/4's of it in the last six months.. so that means he hadn't see most of it before.

And I wish I could've gotten a picture of the looks that he had when he saw some of my clothes! *laugh* They were priceless! (The looks, not the clothes!)

Here's the pile that inspired the funniest looks.. (and many of the quickest 'No' responses I've ever heard! :P)



The hanging portion of my closet looks a lot different already.. for one, it's a lot EMPTIER! What's left is organized- far left is what I got to keep, the middle section is the 'maybe's', and the right side is what we didn't have time to sort yet.



As a side note about the 'maybe's'.. I have a strong feeling that he may try to sneak those into the give-away's somehow, at some point!

Turning heads...? Not so much..

(..I've written some pretty rough, indepth & personal stuff lately.. I feel I should write a lighter entry now...)

I have an issue that's building up aggravation inside..

That is, I'm tired of all the hot customers & my hot co-workers turning heads & I don't. For example, I was walking through electronics to take something to the back when a really attractive woman walked by three male associates. I witnessed all three of their heads turn to watch her progress down the aisle. Like their heads were on swiveling poles or something.. and I got nary a glace from these three, let alone a second! I texted one of them a few minutes later, teasing him about what I saw them doing, and he responded, 'What, do you think I'm gay or something?' Wellll.... if you're that straight & I get no attention.. what does that appear to say about my looks??

So, I got to thinking about it, more and more. One day I brought this up in conversation with a close friend of mine, Dustin.. I mentioned this particular observation of mine, and the suggestion of boosting my 'hottie rating' came up. He is apparently REALLY good at knowing what looks good on women, and offered his 'fashion consultant' services to help me remake my wardrobe & attempt to boost my overall rating with the guys. Apparently, I am REALLY bad at picking out clothes..

Last Friday night, he stayed around at work at helped me pick out four or five tank tops & a really cute pair of shorts. I then made a pact with him not to do any shopping without him until I get my arsenal of 'hotness boosting' clothing built up.

(Sunday, however, I went to Target.. and found THE HOTTEST DRESS! I hope he thinks it looks as good as I think it does!)

Today we were talking, and the conclusion was made that I need to weed through my closet & get rid of anything that doesn't fully do me & my body justice. (And really anything that's pretty old, and not in the style that I am looking for.. which is most of it.)



I walked into my bedroom tonight after work & realized there is something that needs to be done before I buy anything else. I have fallen into a pattern of keeping the rest of the house really neat & clean - but lose my energy before I can do the same to my bedroom/closet. So, not only do I have to go through my closet.. I need to clean up my bedroom & put away the heaping pile of clothes that are on my chair..



Now, that I have these horribly messy pictures up.. my goal is to have these two things cleaned up & my wardrobe gone through by the end of the week.. Wish me luck, dear reader, I'll need it!! (Especially when I've tried to weed through it before, and my pack-rat side kicks in, and I keep way more than I should or really want to..!)

And if you have any suggestions for me regarding new clothing ideas or organizing my closet, or what-not.. please feel free to comment!

Fairytales should come with warning labels..

Seriously, dear reader, don't you think so?

When you're a little girl, you're constantly read stories like Cinderella & Snow White. Stories where the girl is kissed awake by a handsome, strong prince & they live happily ever after. Stories where the girl gets glass slippers, rides in a beautiful carriage wearing a gorgeous gown and she is loved & well taken care of by said prince, and lives happily ever after.

When you get a little older, you play pretend house, with a mommy & a daddy in a little house with flowers and a doll.. you have your pick of any boy on the playground, have a 'wedding' & happily ever after lasts until the bell rings.

No one ever tells you that it NEVER happens like that in real life. You have to fight over and over, kissing frog after frog.. and occasionally a good prince comes along. However, when they do happen along, one of two things happen: either the guy is way awesome but unchangeable things stand in the way or the prince is really a frog wearing a very handsome suit made out of burlap or shiny suit of armor made out of plated gold.

The latter is what has happened yet again for me. I thought, after hanging out with him so much, talking, and knowing him for so long that I had finally met the one, my prince, my knight in shining armor. Yeah, not so much..

The suit of armor is quickly losing it's luster, the chinks are already starting to show, and the ugly green is coming through.

Who am I talking about..? Why, Derek, of course! I think I must've jinxed it when I wrote my last long entry about my events on Sunday..already, the true colors are coming through. Here's just a FEW examples..

First, during a long conversation today, the topic of 'marking' with hickeys came up.. that he wanted to do it to me if that happened to come about. I said, "Absolutely not..". He got all pissy at me, and asked why. I said, "Because it's trashy & I don't want it done." He reared back from me and immediately accused me of already having someone else on the side & cheating - AND WE AREN'T EVEN DATING!!

Then, we were talking about my newly discovered sexual preferences.. and he made a totally serious comment, something to the effect of, 'Before, you were just Bi-curious.. now I have to deal with you actually bieng Bi?".

I just turned and stared at him.. I couldn't even formulate a response for a few minutes. All I could finally manage was, 'What??'.

He seriously replied, 'Not only do I have to worry about other guys, but I have to be in competition with chicks??' I responded that it is totally two different things, relationships between chicks & guys.. but he didn't seem to get that..

How do you respond to those sorts of attitudes?

Oy.

Note: a bit later, he apologized for letting his 'alpha male' side come out, & went into this whole educational spiel about the pioneers being protected by their men, and the natural instincts of civilized species.. etc, etc..

Yeah, not convinced.. Sayonara Derek!

Okay, So Maybe..

..the potential Prince Charming isn't all that he appears to be.. perhaps he just escaped the rainforest long enough to attract a princess.. but forgot the social skills needed to be a Prince & not a frog. I don't for see any kisses, any time soon!

More details to come later, if you're interested, dear reader.. well, even if you're not, the entry will still come later. You can just skim right over it if you like!

*Moment of self-hating, self-pity. you don't need to read, dear reader..*

Just doesn't know anymore.. I can't seem to do anything right in almost any area of my life, and the longer/harder I try, the more I screw things up..

Maybe I should just throw in the towel, keep entirely to myself, and become a eccentric, reclusive cat lady..

A little black dress, awesome friends & an easily distracted author..

With the combination of my hours at work being flipped all around & family obligations, Sundays are now the only days of the week that I get any real time to myself, at all, to recharge & recover from the stresses of the past week. If you couldn't tell from my last entry, I was really getting on the edge.. that's because I didn't get last Sunday either.. so it had been two weeks without any real alone time.

Thank God for Derek. Derek is one of my close friends, and if our individual situations were different, I'd date him in a heartbeat- and I know that the same statement would be made by him. We have an incredible connection, and have since the day that we really met. ('Really met' as in the day that we started talking to each other on a regular basis & getting to know each other, as opposed to just saying 'hi' in passing..)

He's just so incredibly awesome, and really gets me on so many levels. He stimulates me intellectually, gets (and perhaps even likes) my various quirks.. and if not likes them, at least tolerates them well! Not to mention athletic, and funny.. etc, etc..

Anyway, the point of this blog is not to go over all of Derek's (or anyone's) wonderful traits or anything.. So, moving on... I mentioned him, because he did everything in his power today to make my day better & to help me feel better overall. I was really touched, it's the small things & words that make the difference, I think!

My day started out kind of rough, I woke up really late- even for me, on my day off. And with a migraine already starting.. EVERY noise was annoying the crap out of me. I tried taking my last Tylenol, a candle-lit shower (which almost always works to some degree,) a walk around the neighborhood with the puppy.. nothing seemed to help.

I walked to the mall, and took in the changes that they are apparently making. It's going to have a totally different feel than it did when I hung out there every Friday night my senior year of high school.. Small things, but still... They took out the music store, they moved Hot Topic halfway down the mall, took out A & W.. but I digress.

My last stop there was Target, and in the process of going to get pup food, I thought I would stop by the clearance racks in the ladies department. I found the most AMAZING black, runched dress. Well, it's really supposed to be a sweater, but it fits PERFECTLY as a little black dress. It made me insanely happy. Silly, that a little black thing of fabric can brighten my day so, but did I mention it was AMAZING? I technically have a pact with Derek not to go clothes shopping without him, until I get my wardrobe properly updated.. apparently, I don't make the best clothing decisions in regards to what really looks good on me.. but I HAD to get it!

So, with pup food in one hand and my newly purchased little black dress in the other, I headed home to drop them off & freshen up before meeting Derek for an hour or so. It actually worked out where he got to get away, and I brought him back to my house where I modeled it, and let's just say that he LOVED it! Score one point for me, and no points for bad style today!

I actually got to see him for a total of a couple hours today, and he did so many things to try to make me feel better.. He played with my hair a bit, tried helping me work through a bit of some of the issues that I am currently having, made me laugh, shared dinner with me.. and he succeeded in making my day much better. I couldn't ask for a better friend!

Aside from the normal familial issues, the rest of my day went wonderfully.. I ended it with mac & cheese/hotdogs with my brother & another friend & half of Ghosthunters-Season 1. Now, I really must go get a few hours of solid sleep before I have to get up & help out with projects around here. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, dear readers!

Lost a screw, card short of a full deck?

Dear reader, the last few days I've been feeling increasingly overwhelmed and past due for some pampering, TLC, R&R, whatever you'd like to call it..

I think I'm past the point of wanting it, I think I need it. Or do you think almost bursting into tears because when I realized that the bowl I needed to make oatmeal with was dirty in the dishwasher is normal?

Or perhaps I have just gone crazy.

A quick, (but happy) note..

Wow.. I wish today was my Friday.. it was a pretty wonderful day with (just) a few exceptions. Even with those 'glitches' in the course of my day, it was still the best day I've had in quite awhile.

The Dating Game

Somehow, I keep attracting the weirdo's.. the psycho's.. the crazies who don't know when to quit. I wonder if there's a sign above my head that only brings these types of people to me, a sign that simultaneously repels the normal people?

Seriously. You may think I'm exaggerating, dear reader. I'm not. Let's work through the timeline here & some of the details..

First, let's go back 11 years. That would make me 14, and just ending 9th grade (spring of '98). Enter my first boyfriend, Clint.

Yes, I was 14, and he was 21. He was first my brother's friend, and that's how we met. Nothing ever physical really happened, even though we dated a little more than a year off & on. And looking back now, I'm sure he had other chicks his age while we dated. Which, (you know what?) was fine...

...Because in tenth grade, (fall of '98)while we were dating, a boy named Danny moved to the area. One of the baddest boys our school had ever seen.. and a guy that to, at least last summer, we share immense passion off & on for one another. (As will become evident through this entry, if I am to be at all honest.) Within forty-five minutes of meeting him, we became much more acquainted with one another than Clint and I did over the whole off-on thing. No, we didn't do THAT.. but we did kiss in-depth all the way home on the bus, and then we did some more of that a bit after we arrived back to our neighborhood. Danny was the first guy I'd ever kissed that way, and the first guy I was ever really interested in.. We dated for a week, and then he broke it off, (most likely because I wouldn't do the sex thing..)but we stayed friends.

Fast forward to Feb of '99.. Clint & I were off again.. and lo' and behold, he came home from a weekend away, shamefaced. (This is where I should mention that he lived in a rental property with my brother that my mother & former stepfather owned.) Come to find out, he stayed that weekend with an old high school classmate of his. A few weeks after that, turns out that he found out that he had gotten her pregnant during said weekend. That marked the end of our dating, although not the end of seeing each other almost daily. (Joy, right?) Because, instead of moving out on their own, he moved her in with him! Which, as you could imagine, was a bit of a slap in the face..

I, however, being a sweet girl then, tried being nice to her & befriended her.. although she annoyed the CRAP out of me.. They finally moved to North Carolina together at the tail end of the summer.

In Dec. of '99, I went & stayed the night at my 2nd sis's, Hannah's, place.. in the same town as Danny lived. Him and I snuck away to a barn on the edge of town, and had our second ever make out session.. I don't really feel the need for THAT many details, just the fact that he was a great kisser for a tenth grader is sufficient.

Moving on, I don't remember how I had met him and how we started dating.. but I had my second boyfriend during most of 11th grade..Jeremiah. He ended up dumping me when he met another chic in winter of '01. No, we never had sex.. and yes, she came up pregnant just a few months after we broke up. Hmm... the beginnings of a pattern, emerging?

After that, I didn't date again for the rest of high school. I graduated in '02, and started working at Wal-Mart in October of that year. Not more than a couple weeks after I started there, an unloader and I hit it off VERY well. Steve & I naturally took our breaks together, flirted back & forth, and discussed certain scenes of 8 Mile(which had just came out that year,) at length. I remember when he came up to me when I was looking at the schedule board, and uttered the only 'real' date invitation that I've ever gotten- "Um, yeah, I've never really done this before.. but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner and a movie sometime soon?"

(Now, that I'm looking back on it, and know what kind of guy he is today.. I'm sure it wasn't the first time he ever did the date invitation...!) And if you were curious, I wore my long denim skirt, with canvas heels, and a hippie top. He made a wonderful spaghetti dinner, & we played Super Mario Brothers, where I kicked his ass!

We ended up dating for about, I wanna say four or five months..? Maybe six.. not much longer than that. Many a make-out session, hanging out & Nintendo-filled evening occurred. He ended up dumping me for the chick that worked in fabrics & crafts.. once again, I think it's because I wasn't to the point that I was ready to do anything more than make out & she was. She was also a drifter, a modern day hippie who eventually moved back to San Fransisco. She was the first chick that I found attractive in more than just a 'friend' way. But, I didn't really realize that at the time.

Now, flash your mind back to the past 'assets' of Wal-Mart.. do you remember when most of them had a eat-in little fast food thing called the Radio Grill? That's where I met my ex-fiance'. He wasn't the type that I usually went for... but maybe that's why I went for him. We would talk back and forth when I would get my food during my breaks, and chat online many times every week... (I just remembered something that I had forgotten until now. In the beginning, I was not interested in Jay like that AT ALL. It was his brother Josh that I was totally digging. Josh was cute, funny & unfortunately into another chick.) So, somehow, Jay and I ended up dating, engaged and I tried to break it off with him a year & a half later, in the summer of '05. Seriously, I don't know how it all progressed that far. He gave me a promise ring after a month & tried to give me an engagement ring after four months. I made him wait on that for awhile before finally accepting it. That was when I found out he wanted me to become a barefoot & constantly pregnant preacher's wife who wouldn't have a say in any of the decisions that would be made. And that was going to start with the wedding, when he wouldn't let me me choose red & white for the colors, because 'red wasn't a proper wedding color'. Instead, he choose yellow..

When I did try to end things with him, he really was having none of it.. He would sit on the hilltop behind my house, watching me come & go.. accusing me of seeing other guys, (which I wasn't,) and bug me incessantly at work.

I ended up back in touch with Steve that June-July, and we went camping with a large group of people at a organized festival that was in the area that August. That was an amazing weekend.. Jay tried to 'keep a hold of me' until September, when I finally decided to leave the state for a week to get away from everything and figure out how I was going to get rid of him. (I went & stayed with Steve in Nebraska..)Easier said than done, however. He followed us all the way over there, (a four & half hour drive,). Then he proceeded to drive all around Lincoln, NE looking for signs of me. When he couldn't find anything after seven hours, he drove back home. That's not all. He then proceeded to hack into my email account to get Steve's email address, then got into his email account to get his phone number, calling over and over...

Staying with Steve is when I met his best friend, Chad.. who was also with him on the camping trip. Steve ended up working almost EVERY day that I was there, even though he had originally had the entire week off. It worked out, however, because Chad and I spent almost every day together that week, morning to night, and some nights to mornings.. The following month, Steve ended up moving back to Iowa, and the month after that, Chad followed as well. We ended up dating for two years, and the only reason we separated was because he had to move back to Nebraska due to unforeseen circumstances.. we finally broke it off in the middle of the summer of '07.

In 2008, I started talking with a guy that worked in the dairy department, and we hung out more and more regularly on breaks and outside of work. Tall, dark, handsome, athletic.. a sight for sore eyes. We ended up having many an 'occasion' together.. I would've been quite content with that arrangement, considering that I was done having relationships for the time being.. except our desires of what came out of the physical aspect didn't match. He wanted a certain act regularly, and I wasn't for it. So, it kinda fizzled out slowly, as the days grew shorter and the leaves left the trees.

During that season's holiday card addressing, I felt the urge to look up an old friend and send him a card saying hi and hoping all was well. I had known Toby since I was very little, but had lost touch with him for a few years. The card did end up making it right to his mailbox, and we started hanging out and getting reaqcainted. We started dating Januray 6th of last year, and went until Christmas Eve, when everything came to a head. I'm not quite ready to go into it all yet, but beginning in the summer, things had started becoming turmoilous. On a side note, Danny came back into the picture a few times over the summer.. on the sly. Doesn't really make me look very good, does it..? :(

However, little did I know, that the new year was going to bring a LOT of changes, new experiences, and new, wonderful people into my life- including Dustin & Crystal..

"Pretty Lady"

Well, I guess one of the (major) things that I wanted to get out there & work through, discuss and explore is something that only four people currently know about me- Crystal, Dustin, Matt & Susan.

That is that I (consciously) discovered earlier this year that I am not 'straight', as society likes to label. I am, in fact, bi. I say consciously, because looking back at my past thoughts & behaviors, I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner. For one small example, for as long as I can remember, I've always pointed my boyfriend's (or various guy friends) attentions to pretty girls that would walk by & go into earnest discussions about whether one was 'hot', was pretty or had a great ass or whatnot..which tended to be well-recieved, as you could guess!

Or, in another example - although, I'm not quite for sure how to explain it.. If I felt a lady was attractive, and I felt some sort of unexplainable connection with her, I'd always refer to her as 'pretty lady' in passing without a second thought about it. Although, that hasn't happened very often. In fact that has only happened three times total that I can think of - and all pretty recently. Two of them I actually work with, Ashley & Danielle. The third being Crystal. (Maybe I'll go more into depth about things that I've learned with the help of her later on.. when I'm ready to & if the right time presents itself.)

The practice of using the 'pretty lady' endearment was a totally unconscious one to me until four-ish months ago. And I remember the day that it was brought to light. I was working behind my counter at work when Dustin walked by right after Danielle had walked away. He asked something to the effect of if there was any reason that I had called her 'pretty lady'- if there was any meaning behind it, or if it was just something I said. I don't remember how I responded, but I do remember realizing that it wasn't just empty talk.. I was attracted to her, I just hadn't put two & two together. I'll point out to you, dear reader, that at this time I hadn't realized that I wasn't anything but straight. It hadn't crossed my mind in the slightest. I later found out, that she is lesbian.. not that that is here nor there. For a few months afterward, I saw her as just 'Danielle', a pretty chic (with admittedly a nice bum), who was into women. Recently, as in the last week or two.. if I am to be honest- and if I am not being honest then why I am writing this?- I've been noticing her more and wanting to make an effort to talk to her more & build some sort of rapport more than just co-workers. However, I don't see anything else happening.

Moving on, and thinking more about the topic of society's labels of 'straight', 'bi', 'gay', etc... I think instead of these labels, we should all just realize something that I've believed for years. What a person looks like on the outside, (how they identify themselves, what 'equipement' they have,) shouldn't matter in the slightest. It should be the person's soul that identifies who they are, and we should love them for that & not their physical characteristics..

Hello there!

Welcome to my new little place on the web!

A lot of changes have been going on within me in the last three to four months. I decided to start writing again, and documenting my thoughts, feelings & observations as my life progresses and I explore who I am & what I want to become more in depth. I did have another place that I had been writing, but unfortunately it seems to have been hijacked & no longer accessible by me.

Although that discovery bummed me out & saddened me that the only full written record of the last two or three years is lost to me forever, another part of me thinks that it works out well. I feel as though I am beginning a new chapter in my life. Starting a new blog site & purging myself of the old without having a chance to lament over old entries, experiences & lost loves/friends is more conducive to moving forward.

Within the future writings that will be contained in this blog, I hope to explore my experiences in life, love and friendships... Please feel free to comment & leave your input on anything that strikes a chord!