Brain freezes & light bulb moments don't mix well..

I may sound a bit disjointed this go round, I'm sorry. I know what I want to write about, I have the thoughts in mind.. but for some reason they're not wanting to meld seamlessly like they usually do. But hopefully the gist of it comes out...

So, I've pretty much weened myself off of Facebook, looking through my entries, it seems to be over a month since I first clicked the 'Deactivate Account' button. And for the most part, I haven't missed it. I have checked back a few times, for maybe two minutes a time-just to see if anything has changed, or if there was big developments that I've missed since I've gotten out of the loop.

And tonight was finally an occurrence of major developments going unknown by me. You see, there's this person that I met/started talking to in earnest a couple months ago. I wanted to get to know them better, maybe become close, see where the friendship might go (or fizzle). They were just getting through a breakup, from someone I had known.

They might not have had  no clue what was going through my thoughts. Heck, even I didn't know until recently. But, either way it's where the thing of my shyness and 'slow to warm up' personality comes into play. See, ever since I was little, school would start at the end of August and it would take me months to warm up to the other kids. By the time I was finally forging friendships, summer break would hit and then, if they didn't live near me, I would basically have to start all over the next school year.

Anyway, back to the 'major' development. This person and I were talking A LOT, constant texting every day for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to have just dropped off. Bouts of sickness, work, busy schedules on both our ends seemed to be the culprit. (And what was 'blamed' as the cause.) But, I randomly signed on tonight to see in my news feed that they and their ex have reunited back into a relationship. And they had mentioned that they had met with them a few times recently. Which, connecting in my mind with a previous blog discussion about people seeming to only want to use me to fill the void until they work things out with whomever, seems to make the absence of texts I'm getting make sense.

I can recall several instances where it seemed as though I was truly being used as a 'seat filler' until the person they wanted in that particular spot of their lives came back. And this seems to fit the mold of those times.

What do you guys think? First, can you make sense of what my poor brain is trying to say? Second, do you ever experience things like this? How did you proceed with the acknowledgement when you realized what was going on- did you confront or just shrug your shoulders, thinking 'oh well, their loss.'?

Deactivation initiated!!

Bye, Bye comments, Bye Bye, long news feed, Hello, free time, I think I'ma gonna enjoy this! After a few weeks of planning, figuring out how to download all of my Facebook photos onto my computer, letting my close friends and family know, and un-linking every app I've added my FB account to, I finally pulled the plug on it at midnight. I stayed up much longer than my body was wanting, but my brain locked in on doing it at midnight, and tonight was the night in it's opinion. And with my OCD, it won out. As the hours progressed closer to "D-time", I was actually getting more and more excited.. and relieved. Does that seem silly to anyone else? Oh well. It's how it was/is. I'm interested to see if I will have much in the way of cravings or withdrawals.. and how long this hiatus may last. And how friends/family that either didn't get the mass message I sent out in time, or don't remember reading it, will react? Which reminds me of the strangest thing. I've not been much in the mood for texting lately either. Technology and nonstop interaction is past the "starting to get on my nerves" stage, so I haven't looked at my phone much this week. And you'd not believe how many people either assumed I was mad at them, or are mad AT me for not texting them! I am just baffled. Anyway. Instead of writing many statuses, and notes.. I think I will center that attention on this blog. Make notes either in my phone or on my kindle and compile them later for you all (and myself). But, for now, this will have to do.. for I am very sleepy and my bed is winning out on the luring me to it for the next eight hours! Good night :-)

Ten things I want..

I must say, this is the first time that I've been inspired by Twitter for a blog entry!

Instead of 10 separate tweets to fulfill this tag, I just thought I'd do an umbrella blog!

In no particular order:

1.) Endless supply of margaritas
2.) A man that treats me right, who does what he can to fulfill my needs and desires-even if there's only irregular opportunities for it..
3.) A life-time pass to Burger King and their oh-so-delicious Whoppers and onion rings!
4.) For people to stop criticizing my weight, one moment I'm too skinny, the next I'm gaining too much! AUGH!
5.) A kiss that takes my breath away.
6.) Fewer health problems
7.) A job that doesn't feel like a job
8.) To be free of my OCD and anxieties
9.) My friends and family to be happy and healthy and achieve all that they want in life
10.) The ability to mute annoying chick-chatter and to knock some non-deserving men's egos down a few notches.

Too much crap!

Do you ever just look around and all of a sudden just think to yourself, 'Jeezus, I just have too much basic crap around my house! Dumpster, please!'

Or is that just me?

I weed out my stuff at least twice a year, and don't buy much in the way of 'extras' or dust-collectors but I keep feeling suffocated by my stuff.

I think I'm off to take an hour tossing and purging, maybe feel better? I shall update with the final toll of what dent I have made and to where it's final destination shall be..

30 Things you may or may not know about me..

1.)Music isn't just a hobby for me, it's the force of life

2.)I don't believe that we were supposed to have monogamous relationships

3.)If we do have soul mates, I truly believe I met him in the last few years, but he is already taken

4.)I've really been a life-long Michael Jackson fan, learning Thriller before I could even put together full sentences

5.)I've shown major signs of trichotillomania since the third grade

6.)I have severe anxiety, especially concerning leaving the house

7.)I have CNA training

8.)I think a BK Whopper meal is the perfect dinner (or lunch..or breakfast)

9.)Jason Michael Carroll's voice makes me melt

10.)Too much milk products makes me sick :-(

11.)I love, love, LOVE the water. I love showers, I love the rain, I love the beach.

12.)An ex-boyfriend used to refer to me as his 'water princess'.

13.)I'm a HUGE Jackass fan. I can't decide which dude I like best- Knoxville, Steve-O or Bam.

14.)I don't currently have a favorite color-I do like red, also purple, and green...

15.)I HATE the color blue!

16.)I've worked at the same Wal-mart for going on nine years

17.)I love my friends, adore who I date. There's one exception, but it's not meant to be.

18.)I'm working (slowly) on a book/novelette

19.)M*A*S*H is my all-time favorite TV show

20.)'Enter Sandman' makes me feel all warm inside

21.)Music is like breathing to me

22.)I have a nice electric guitar, but no clue how to play it as of yet :-(

23.)I've been best friends with Jenn for almnost twenty-one years, I've known Josh for just a little bit longer than that.

24.)I almost moved to Texas and got married at age twenty, thank god THAT didn't work out!

25.)Usually can't stand ego-stroking people, there's only the rare few that I will do it for.

26.)I miss playing the flute.

27.)I can't cook to save my life-and I can't even make jello!

28.)I love the little gestures people do waaayyy more than extravagant ones.

29.)I have to fall asleep on my side curled up with either my head on Nick's shoulder or with my hand under my pillow and head.

30.)I have been trying to gain weight since high school (graduated weighing 92 pounds-now at 122).

*and a bonus.. I'm a sucker for anything '80's. The music was awesome and I even love the fashion!*

Photo Challenge: Day Sixteen

A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom lived there for a few years in the early-mid seventies. Over thirty years later, and she still has a large streak of Southern embedded in her. I'd love to go visit where there's loads of history and culture, and see what it is all about as a place in our nation's history.

Like Sheets in The Wind

I was just hit with a random thing that caught me totally off guard. (hence, random.)

I just started a book from my library pile, (which is on my 30/30 list, but that's another entry, another day.) This one is Animal Farm by George Orwell, and was on my (and probably everyone else's,) middle school reading list.

The first page was a summary of his life. One page. Nothing more, nothing less. And the thing that struck me is, how a life could be summarized in just a single sheet of paper, from birth to death. Someday that might be all that survives to tell of the person that lived, breathed and occupied a place on this planet for half a decade. How very sad.

And worse, what about the people who never warrant the opportunity for any kind of written history of their presence? All those stories, events, lessons learned.. scattered to the wind to be forgotten about? Although, how can you forget something that was never tangible?

The Pivotal Point Between 'Like' and 'Love'

Okay. I've been thinking about relationships, and love. The latter, as you may recall, I am not in a believing state of right now.

More specifically, I've been wondering about what makes a person go from 'liking' someone to 'loving' them? I know it's not a conscious decision or, dear lord, shouldn't be, but what mentally 'clicks' and makes the leap?

Like, my ex-fiance. Nope, never did love him. I think the whole, 'Dating a month, he gives me a promise ring..dating three months he tries giving me an engagement ring (which I managed to refuse for at least a year..), going psychotic and stalking me when I tried breaking it off, yeah that didn't lend well to the cause.

Or the guy I dated before that, which was the complete opposite for me. I had just started working at Wal-Mart. He was an unloader, who I kinda flirted with back and forth with for a little while. Then, I remember it pretty clearly, (scary how so, really,). I was looking at the schedule board after a break, and he came up to me and said, "You know, I've not done this before, but would you like to have dinner this weekend?"

Knowing him since, I totally call b.s. on this one (not doing it before), but I didn't know any better then! Anyway..

A couple months later, we were dating. We went to break together. After break, when we were going in two different directions to work, I wasn't thinking about anything consciously, when I said, "Love you, later!"

And we BOTH stopped in our tracks. Me, because apparently something went haywire in my brain and him, because well, that's obvious. He asked, "What did you just say?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. I should go to work now.." I tried to just move on from that.. but he wouldn't let me for a few minutes.. evil, evil bastard had too much fun with it. Fast forward a bit of dating history, and..

Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. We're friends now, and it's kind of scary he's evolved into a married family guy.. totally at odds with what I knew him as in the beginning!

Now, back from memory lane to the topic at hand. How does it work for you? Do you sit down and think about things? Do you just follow your heart and exclude your brain?

Are you like me, and don't let yourself believe in it? Or are you the total opposite, and fall right away?

I'm so very curious, and people fascinate me. I'd love your input, dear friends!

Losing my grip...

So, yeah. I'm totally losing it. And not even in the fun way, where I get to see pink unicorns and blue elephants chasing a monkey across a rainbow. Although, that would be slightly interesting, and would score me a white coat and a enjoyable bouncy room.

No, no.. this is quite the boring and anticlimactic way. Like, where every dish has to be put 'just right' into the dishwasher. And I can't have piles of ANYTHING anywhere to deal with later. And I have to 'count' my way out of the house every morning, alphabeticalize everything with a title, color coordinate everything in my closet.. etc, etc.

Yes, it's the grand development of OCD. I think people believe I am joking when I say I have it, or think I am exaggerating about things I honestly believe I have to do. Like the walking through every room in the house, making sure everything is in it's place and there's nothing hot left on and nothing small left where it could possibly get into puppy's reach. I just realized that's actually my mantra as I do my walk through before I leave everyday~ "Nothing hot, nothing small...nothing hot, nothing small..."

Which got me thinking. Looking back, (hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?), I can see the progression. Just maybe five, six, maybe seven years ago, I remember just having to check to make sure the stovetop was off and that was that. I never was bothered by a (very) messy living quarters, piles of stuff everywhere, and so on. But, just tonight, I was eating a plate of spaghetti while I was watching Scrubs. And I managed to knock the plate onto the floor and dump my food. I think most people would just clean up the spaghetti and that would be done. No, I cleaned up the spaghetti, and then noticed I had accumulated stuff on my dresser. I straightened that up and then proceeded to clean the entire room until everything was in it's precise, designated position. And then, when I took my dishes to the kitchen, started cleaning the counters until I forced myself to say, 'No, it's one o'clock in the morning. This can wait until tomorrow.'

And, it's become a rapid progression as of late. Earlier this year, I had had enough of my anxiety attacks, and went to the doctor. She prescribed something for them and said it would also help with my OCD symptoms as well,

Boy, was she ever wrong. My anxiety behaviors grew ten times worse, my trichotillomania came back active full force, and my OCD has skyrocketed.

I did stop the medicine just about a month in. But it's not making anything go back to 'normal'. Which scares me.

If I've gotten this, 'precise' for lack of a better word by the time I'm in my mid-twenties... what could it possibly be like for me when I'm thirty? Heck with that, what about in a year?

Dear readers, do any of you deal with this? Do you have any decent suggestions for me? Do you think I'm losing it? Any constructive criticism you have, I'll gladly listen...

Now, I'm going to go to bed before I think of something else that I HAVE to check or clean.. hope you all are having a good morning/day/night... which ever applies as you are reading this.

I promise..

..I haven't forgotten about my dear reader(s)! Life has just been soooo very hectic lately, and I've been so very exhausted for much of it, that there is no brain power left at the end of the day (or even the middle of it!).

I do have tomorrow off, so I hope to be able to post something (or maybe even a few somethings!) for you!

Meantime, I'm gonna do a half-assed 'half assed post', idea courtesy of Simple Dude at http://www.thesimpledude.com/.. (AWESOME blogger, you should really check him out!)

and here is the topic of the night.. I was chatting (like always) with my man, and we were discussing our 'lists of five'- you know, five celebrities you could sleep with if given the chance. He gave me five guys (umm.. he's completely straight lmao!) which were Elton John, George Michaels, David Bowie, Chad Kroeger and Patrick Stewart. But when I asked him what his list of chick celebrities would be, he just replied it'd be too long of a list! LMAO

Anyway, dear reader.. if you were wondering what my lists would be (trusting you haven't fallen asleep from my rambling, that is!) here they are, in no particular order:

Guy Celebrities:
1.)Brad Pitt
2.)Jason Michael Carrol
3.)Toby Keith
4.)Johnny Depp
5.)Trent Reznor

Chick Celebrities:
1.)Jennifer Aniston
2.)Courtney Cox
3.)Jenna Elfman
4.)Helena Bonham Carter (You know, that chick from Sweeney Todd and Fight Club)
5.)Britney Spears (yeah, when she's taking care of herself and not crazy)

So, dear readers... have you ever thought about what celebrities you'd definitely get with? Care to share one, two (or all?)

Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?

With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.

But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?

I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.

Free-love...without trying for peace

We're a free-love society (generation). I'm not for sure if many people haven't realized it, or just don't want to admit it.

Because, unlike the previous free-love generation, we are doing diddly squat in attempting to better the world, instead, just drinking, drugging, and sexing it up. We aren't bothering to picket, hold bed-ins or marches, but just filling the airwaves, cyber-world and airspace with our complaints-and no possible solutions.

In an age where it should be so very simpler to organize protests, and get information out there, we are instead filling our blogs, Facebook walls, and texts with what we had for breakfast, poetic love claims, and bitching about work.

This is so very depressing for my outlook on the future of our society.

Survival skills?

I can't just be known for possessing certain 'relational' skills(come on, that's a skill not even able to put on a job resume!) or for my laugh.. or my 'cute' noises that hubby and Nick get a kick out of. Well, hubby does anyway.. Nick just smiles and chuckles a little.

I can't cook, (seriously, cannot even make jello!), never feel up to cleaning house, I don't know technology (and good thing too! because then what would I be keeping hubby around for?), and cannot follow driving directions in the slightest.
So when that last one came up most recently, the first thing that came to mind was the beginnings of this entry.

See, what happened was this..

I was following hubby and Jac from where they are staying to the interstate. Of course, after a few minutes, I started forgetting to pay attention, and daydreaming while driving. This caused me to not notice when they turned at a street and I kept going. But.. instead of calling them and finding them again.. I just figured I should find my own way to the interstate, even though I had no idea where I was, or what direction I needed to go.

Never mind though. You know it ended alright, because I am sitting here blogging about it! I managed after a few round about turns to find my way, all by myself.

I rock.

Yeah..so..

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.

Quick Quote

One of my friends posted this online this morning, and it resonated with me, so I snagged it...

"I am bad at life. Dreamers don't last long in this world. Upkeep and maintenance have always been something I have failed at. Is the world falling apart or is that just me?"

Society's unreasonable norms & expectations..

I’m so confused by society’s norms, rules & expectations anymore.

There are so many things that dictate who you can love, where you can love, and how you can express your love and desire, affections and passion for another human being that it’s not even funny.

Really… Am I the only one that has a problem with this?

First of all, according to modern day American society, you are only allowed to marry one other person, even with great strides recently it is still really only accepted as a person of the opposite sex. If you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, you are constantly on (high) alert for acts of unacceptance, jokes, snide comments, & on… & on… You are also subject to what is really unwarranted feelings and ideas that you need to live ‘within the norm’, and build your life accordingly because you worry about how your friends, family, neighbors would accept what you really want. For example:

A man being attracted to only other males, but his father has always put down and been verbally assaultive towards other members of society who express these desires & act on them- so he never ‘comes out of the closet’-- and thus, not to mention that feelings of self-hatred and depression would often be by-products, he is robbed of the happiness he deserves to find.
A woman discovers herself to be bisexual, but due to reactions of her immediate family to her aunt being a lesbian, never officially dates another woman--and never feels complete happiness & satisfaction in relationships.
A group of three people, two women & a man, discovering that they have immense attraction to each of the others, and connect so well on many of the levels that people look for, but do not pursue a relationship because of fear of how to announce such a arrangement to family, friends & society in general, and how it will be accepted or not-- are cheated out of a possible way to fulfillment and happiness that isn’t ‘allowed’.

Yes, I know, in several places, the laws are being changed to allow for same sex marriages, but if you really think about it, it’s far from REALLY being accepted. There are still stories routinely in the news about people being discriminated, beaten and even killed for pursuing what makes them happy, fulfilled and able to completely be themselves. Also, not in the news, but in everyday life… Everywhere you turn, if you listen close enough, you can hear discriminatory jokes, statements and attitudes that can breed unacceptance, contempt and hatred towards people of different orientations.

Who decided that the best way was a mom & dad, 2.2 kids, and a dog in suburbia America? Why not 2 men with an adopted child? Why not a woman in two separate public relationships-with one woman & one man? Why not a man in a relationship with a woman in a relationship with another woman? WHO SET THESE IDEALS??

And who dictated that that was the ONLY form of acceptable relationship? Who says that this is the only way for society to be successful and prosperous?

There are several different ‘types’ of relationships. What about those people who feel absolutely wonderful & happy in a relationship with not one, but two other people? Why is there such a stigma attached to this idea? So, there are three people very close to one another that share an incredible attraction and bond with one another… Why does the number matter?

Or, say for instance, a man who desires to have two wives? Why is this wrong? So, he goes home to two women & not one… What makes the difference to people outside the household?

Enough with the issue that you aren’t allowed by society to be with who you want to be with. What about showing that love in public? I’m not talking about the inability to go full fledged naked and have sex with your partner in the public’s eye… But the simple act of holding hands or giving a kiss, for instance. I’m 25, and still sometimes hear the kiddies remarks of ‘Go get a room’ or ‘Can’t you wait until you get home?’ when someone walks by with their partner… and heaven forbid, that partner is same sex! I can NOT believe the close-minded, disgusting remarks that I’ve heard co-workers make when that happens to occur!

I have a couple of co-workers that I greatly admire for doing what makes them happy, even though I know that it must be hard for them sometimes. When I met them, one worked in Stationary, and the other in candy. They apparently hit it off very well, for they started dating… which sounds like any other relationship, except that he is married. This revelation started the whole store buzzing, and snide comments were flying around like nothing else. Then, she learned she was expecting his child- which she actually just gave birth to the little one this last week- and they were ecstatic.

You know the best part? His wife knows all about her, and totally is cool with it. I personally admire them for going after what makes them happy & content… They know what other associates are saying about them, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS! They don’t bother trying to hide anything, I’ve seen them walking around the store hand in hand, I’ve seen the ‘naked’ love for each other on their faces, I’ve seen them kiss… it’s just positively inspiring to me.

Going back to my statement that I wasn’t talking about full-fledged intimacy with your lover in public… Maybe I DO mean to include that… What makes that wrong? Is there something so horribly wrong with seeing the human body in its true form? Why is sex so taboo? Maybe not going so far as too having sex up against a car in a parking lot… But what’s with the idea that even at home, the drapes must be pulled before engaging in activity? The body is a beautiful thing; the act is a part of nature… If you are a little shy or insecure about how you look, why might that be? Maybe a personal trait that you were born with, but couldn’t it also be a way that society is…? The messages that you hear from society is that sex is bad, (yet they use it to sell EVERYTHING,), you shouldn’t show too much skin or you’ll be slutty (yet, what do you see EVERYWHERE in advertising?), anyone would feel confused after receiving all the mixed messages in media!

This writing, (well, rant if you want to call it that,) all started with just a few thoughts that have been rattling around m head for a little while now-mostly subconsciously for awhile. For some reason they came up to the forefront of my mind a few days ago, and have been accumulating on one another until now. It all started with the one thought, “Why is it always assumed that if you do have a soul mate, that the number is always one?” Are you not allowed two..? Three..? People change over their lifespan, what if you grow away from the person you feel at one with..? Does that mean you’re screwed for the rest of your life?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that you have multiple soul mates, if you believe in such a thing? One for each stage in your life? So that, if and when you ‘outgrew’ one, than you have another waiting sometime in the future?

And if that is the case, why couldn’t you have more than one soul mate, at the same point in your life?

What if you don’t believe in soul mates at all? What then? Are you doomed to wander the Earth alone for your time here? Do you just find one person after another that suits your fancy? What would make a person of this belief truly happy?

Another question… Does believing in soul mates mean that you believe in the existence of souls? And that opens the whole can of worms regarding god, religion and what happens after you die…

The Vine, rain, great music, awesome company=great time!

Bleh… My muse seems to have left the building, in same fashion as Elvis.

I have plenty to write about, I just have no inspiration to actually do it. Or, really, to do it in a fashion that will hold the interest of anyone for more than a minute. But, really... I don't know more than a few people who have this blog address… and I think that those two are biased to reading what I write (: P).

So, here goes unmotivated, uninspired writing… if you fall asleep during it, I hope you have wonderful dreams.

Let me tell you about the wonderful time that I had on Saturday.

I made plans to meet up with a guy friend of my lil' sister at The Vine, Saturday evening at eight o'clock. I had talked with him regularly online and hung out with him once at The Mill; at a Snow Demon show… a pretty cool guy. Not too bad on the eyes either, if I can say so myself..! A little taller then me, longer dark hair, dark eyes, total music freak like myself. Not overweight in the slightest, actually perhaps a bit muscular (from what I can tell… I didn't think to rip his shirt off or nothing lol!)

*Anyway… like I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself!*

Jarien and I met inside, and fell into a wonderful conversation almost immediately. The poor waitress had to come over three or four times before we finally had looked at the menu & decided what we wanted. He ordered artichoke dip with chips, I ordered a chicken with bacon sandwich, and for us to share we also ordered a cheese fry appetizer. Now, I don't know where they learned portion sizes, but this plate of cheese fries could've been a spare tire for a car! The thing was HUGE! Not only that, but apparently my sandwich also came with fries... ohhh... and the yummiest sauce EVER!

It was incredibly loud in there, which is funny because we had made plans originally to get together where we could hold a conversation and actually hear one another being the only other time that we had been face-to-face was at a heavy metal show... but the racket really didn't phase me at all. Nothing like loud noises usually do when I’m by myself or just in a regular social setting.

On this wonderful night, it was intermittently pouring down rain… But we paid little attention to the people coming in and out; Instead, talking about music, (a VERY major like for both of us,) our upbringing, (turns out that we actually grew up in the same neighborhood at around the same time! Quite possibly might’ve even met once or twice when we were little…), food preferences (He‘s a vegetarian, I only eat a little meat)…

Eventually, the topic made its way to the show that he was planning on going to after we had dinner together. He thought it started at 10:30, but wasn’t a hundred percent, so I looked it up on my phone. Turns out that it was actually scheduled to run from 7:30-10:30, according to the almighty Facebook. By this time, it was nearing 9:30. He asked me if I wanted to go to it with him, and he’d pay my way in. We decided we’d had enough of the loud restaurant/bar, and finished up. He had the most awesome, self-less idea that I had heard in awhile… And one that I had never heard anyone suggest before… He suggested that we bag up the leftovers and give them to a homeless person on the way. That just bowled me over- such a self-less idea! Totally amazing. How many people just bag it up, take it home, and often it just sits in the refrigerator until it goes bad? That same food that would make another person’s day and maybe is the only thing that they have to eat?

We left The Vine, and headed out into the pouring rain. I did have an umbrella, which we both tried to stay under, but that didn’t work very well. So we just ran for it! And I had a blast! We ran from the south side of downtown to the middle… Laughing, running around (and through) puddles- it was great! Apparently, I run very well for a chick wearing knee high, black boots… He said something like a lot of chicks can’t run- or do this fake, I can’t run thing… This made me laugh, the way he said it! I bet that we might’ve looked a bit silly running like that, but you know what? I don’t care! It was fun- getting soaked, dodging around massive puddles, grates & raging streams in the road!

We got about two thirds of the way there when the rain stopped, and we could walk a bit more normally to Public Space One where the show was. Arriving there about ten, we found out that the band he wanted to see, ‘WhysperSmyth’, went on at 10:30, so he wanted to go & see if a friend of his wanted to come see it as well.. He didn’t, so we headed back to the show just in time to watch them start warming up. Unfortunately, the couch we had been sitting on previously was taken, so we grabbed a few folding chairs. That was okay with me, I knew that if the band was any good then I’d be unconsciously inching my way closer to the stage anyway. That seems to be what I do with bands that I go see that I really dig. I’ll start at the back of the crowd, but without realizing it at all, I’ll slowly but steadily make my way to the front. It’s the music that pulls me to it.

The performance was awesome; Kate (the lead singer) has the most awesome voice- the best way I can think to describe it is that it is like a cross between Cher, Billie Holiday and Janis Joplin. She’s also a little cutie too! I would never have guessed that such a powerful, sultry voice could come out of someone so tiny and ‘cute’ as she is! At one point, I was up closer to the stage, and Jarien came up and stood next to me & put his arm around me briefly. It was really nice! He wasn’t smothering or anything, and a complete gentleman then, and all night long. It was just a gesture that seemed to say, “I’m here, and this music is awesome…” or something like that. I’m sure you know what I mean, dear reader!

After they were finished playing, we did the customary, ‘Great show,’ thing. Jarien works with one of the guitarists, which is how he heard about the band in the first place. They shot the breeze for just a few minutes and he also made some much needed ‘musician’ connections… Info and contacts on who to get a hold of to book a show there himself. (He plays rhythm guitar and is lead vocals in the band, Insanguine…) So, perhaps I’ll get to see him on stage playing soon! If not there, I’m sure somewhere else because they’ve played several other venues lately from the look of their band page. .

The night started to wind down then… We wandered in and out of a few places, picking up a few people he knew as we walked, and then met up with his brother, who was working on his homework at a pizza place. They closed shortly after that for the night, so we again headed out into the night & down to sit at Gabe’s & talk for a bit. Unfortunately, the combination of how late it was getting, combined with the loudness of the place, we decided to call it a night.

Which might’ve been a good thing because as soon as I got home, changed into my pj’s, & uploaded the show’s photos, I crashed in front of my computer for about a half hour & then slept for ten hours after that in my comfy bed. Apparently I was a lot more tired than I thought!

We’ve made tentative plans for this Sunday, I may go watch Insanguine at their band practice & then, depending on the weather, we may go scout out some playgrounds. Might sound weird, but that’s another thing that we have in common- we both like going to playgrounds and swinging on the swings!

Mini-reunions + minor annoyances=still a good time had!

I'm sorry if this entry is a bit garbled, dear reader.. that's just what the inside of my brain is like right now, and has been increasingly so over the last few weeks...

Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking up for what I want, for what I desire? I'd rather have others that I care about a lot have what they want, even if it was the same thing that I wanted & we both cannot have it. Why can't I be one of those people that just greedily take what I want, and not worry about those around me? That's what a lot of people around me do, sometimes to me & the rest of the time I just witness the behavior.

I swear, right now my brain feels like it's inside a barrel racing down a hillside.. all the thoughts running together & flying around so quickly that I cannot react to any of them individually, or even know fully what it is about before it's out of my reach and back into space again.

Does that sound crazy? Perhaps. But, it's how it feels, and it's my little writing & exploring place on the world wide web.. so I think it's all good.

Hm. Should I start with a good event? Or a bad one?

Well, I guess I should start with the good one.. that comes first chronologically, and thus might make more sense. You might guess, if you've talked to me the last few days, what the good time involved.. and that was the show I went to last night at The Mill in Downtown Iowa City--



I know all but one member of Snow Demon, and try to go to at least one of their shows a month. Unfortunately, my ex is friends with them as well, and he's at all their shows also. That's proved to be a disasturous social situation in the past, although not so much last night... just later, which I'll get into later...

Anyway. I went down there with a co-worker of mine- not really someone I'd consider a full-fledged friend, but with our history I just keep the saying in mind, 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' The first band was already playing- they actually started BEFORE 'official' show time, not a half hour later like most shows downtown. SuperChief was really good.. a southern biker meets heavy metal equals frickin' awesome!

Right after the last song finished, I heard to my left.. 'Well, hello there Miss Seana!' It was J! I had been talking to him online for awhile, and he's also friends with one of the guys from Snow Demon, and many other downtown indie regulars. I had texted him earlier that night to ask if he was going to the show, because I'd love for us to finally hang out together. And he showed.. The three of us went outside to regain some of our hearing back before Droids Attack took to the stage, and were in good conversation when my ex came up and neatly inserted himself in our conversation. Us ladies waited a few minutes and excused ourselves to the bathroom, and met up again with them right before the music started. My ex disappeared back to his side of the audience, and the music started. I had noticed a chick in a booth to the side of the band, I thought she looked a lot like someone I had met at Studio a few months ago, (Stacy,) but I wasn't for sure.

The first half of the set SUCKED.. Elizabeth and I even went outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air, and then came back in and sat down in a booth.. turns out it was her! So, a mini-reunion was had.. and it made the night that much better.
Right after this, the main guitarist of Droids Attack snapped a string on his guitar. And, magically, after he switched guitars, they rocked the house! Weird, but definitely not a bad thing!

Snow Demon was the third band, and I've gotta say.. I wasn't expecting much, or that I'd really like the changes that have been made (new guitarist, no more covers), but the opposite was true. Brad got a rockin' guitar solo in one of the new songs, and all in all, it was a great performance! A great night really, J & I really hit it off, had fun with Stacy & Liz.. the only negative was that my ex kept coming by intermittedly through the evening to talk & what-not. But.. it's all good..

The Dating Game

Somehow, I keep attracting the weirdo's.. the psycho's.. the crazies who don't know when to quit. I wonder if there's a sign above my head that only brings these types of people to me, a sign that simultaneously repels the normal people?

Seriously. You may think I'm exaggerating, dear reader. I'm not. Let's work through the timeline here & some of the details..

First, let's go back 11 years. That would make me 14, and just ending 9th grade (spring of '98). Enter my first boyfriend, Clint.

Yes, I was 14, and he was 21. He was first my brother's friend, and that's how we met. Nothing ever physical really happened, even though we dated a little more than a year off & on. And looking back now, I'm sure he had other chicks his age while we dated. Which, (you know what?) was fine...

...Because in tenth grade, (fall of '98)while we were dating, a boy named Danny moved to the area. One of the baddest boys our school had ever seen.. and a guy that to, at least last summer, we share immense passion off & on for one another. (As will become evident through this entry, if I am to be at all honest.) Within forty-five minutes of meeting him, we became much more acquainted with one another than Clint and I did over the whole off-on thing. No, we didn't do THAT.. but we did kiss in-depth all the way home on the bus, and then we did some more of that a bit after we arrived back to our neighborhood. Danny was the first guy I'd ever kissed that way, and the first guy I was ever really interested in.. We dated for a week, and then he broke it off, (most likely because I wouldn't do the sex thing..)but we stayed friends.

Fast forward to Feb of '99.. Clint & I were off again.. and lo' and behold, he came home from a weekend away, shamefaced. (This is where I should mention that he lived in a rental property with my brother that my mother & former stepfather owned.) Come to find out, he stayed that weekend with an old high school classmate of his. A few weeks after that, turns out that he found out that he had gotten her pregnant during said weekend. That marked the end of our dating, although not the end of seeing each other almost daily. (Joy, right?) Because, instead of moving out on their own, he moved her in with him! Which, as you could imagine, was a bit of a slap in the face..

I, however, being a sweet girl then, tried being nice to her & befriended her.. although she annoyed the CRAP out of me.. They finally moved to North Carolina together at the tail end of the summer.

In Dec. of '99, I went & stayed the night at my 2nd sis's, Hannah's, place.. in the same town as Danny lived. Him and I snuck away to a barn on the edge of town, and had our second ever make out session.. I don't really feel the need for THAT many details, just the fact that he was a great kisser for a tenth grader is sufficient.

Moving on, I don't remember how I had met him and how we started dating.. but I had my second boyfriend during most of 11th grade..Jeremiah. He ended up dumping me when he met another chic in winter of '01. No, we never had sex.. and yes, she came up pregnant just a few months after we broke up. Hmm... the beginnings of a pattern, emerging?

After that, I didn't date again for the rest of high school. I graduated in '02, and started working at Wal-Mart in October of that year. Not more than a couple weeks after I started there, an unloader and I hit it off VERY well. Steve & I naturally took our breaks together, flirted back & forth, and discussed certain scenes of 8 Mile(which had just came out that year,) at length. I remember when he came up to me when I was looking at the schedule board, and uttered the only 'real' date invitation that I've ever gotten- "Um, yeah, I've never really done this before.. but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner and a movie sometime soon?"

(Now, that I'm looking back on it, and know what kind of guy he is today.. I'm sure it wasn't the first time he ever did the date invitation...!) And if you were curious, I wore my long denim skirt, with canvas heels, and a hippie top. He made a wonderful spaghetti dinner, & we played Super Mario Brothers, where I kicked his ass!

We ended up dating for about, I wanna say four or five months..? Maybe six.. not much longer than that. Many a make-out session, hanging out & Nintendo-filled evening occurred. He ended up dumping me for the chick that worked in fabrics & crafts.. once again, I think it's because I wasn't to the point that I was ready to do anything more than make out & she was. She was also a drifter, a modern day hippie who eventually moved back to San Fransisco. She was the first chick that I found attractive in more than just a 'friend' way. But, I didn't really realize that at the time.

Now, flash your mind back to the past 'assets' of Wal-Mart.. do you remember when most of them had a eat-in little fast food thing called the Radio Grill? That's where I met my ex-fiance'. He wasn't the type that I usually went for... but maybe that's why I went for him. We would talk back and forth when I would get my food during my breaks, and chat online many times every week... (I just remembered something that I had forgotten until now. In the beginning, I was not interested in Jay like that AT ALL. It was his brother Josh that I was totally digging. Josh was cute, funny & unfortunately into another chick.) So, somehow, Jay and I ended up dating, engaged and I tried to break it off with him a year & a half later, in the summer of '05. Seriously, I don't know how it all progressed that far. He gave me a promise ring after a month & tried to give me an engagement ring after four months. I made him wait on that for awhile before finally accepting it. That was when I found out he wanted me to become a barefoot & constantly pregnant preacher's wife who wouldn't have a say in any of the decisions that would be made. And that was going to start with the wedding, when he wouldn't let me me choose red & white for the colors, because 'red wasn't a proper wedding color'. Instead, he choose yellow..

When I did try to end things with him, he really was having none of it.. He would sit on the hilltop behind my house, watching me come & go.. accusing me of seeing other guys, (which I wasn't,) and bug me incessantly at work.

I ended up back in touch with Steve that June-July, and we went camping with a large group of people at a organized festival that was in the area that August. That was an amazing weekend.. Jay tried to 'keep a hold of me' until September, when I finally decided to leave the state for a week to get away from everything and figure out how I was going to get rid of him. (I went & stayed with Steve in Nebraska..)Easier said than done, however. He followed us all the way over there, (a four & half hour drive,). Then he proceeded to drive all around Lincoln, NE looking for signs of me. When he couldn't find anything after seven hours, he drove back home. That's not all. He then proceeded to hack into my email account to get Steve's email address, then got into his email account to get his phone number, calling over and over...

Staying with Steve is when I met his best friend, Chad.. who was also with him on the camping trip. Steve ended up working almost EVERY day that I was there, even though he had originally had the entire week off. It worked out, however, because Chad and I spent almost every day together that week, morning to night, and some nights to mornings.. The following month, Steve ended up moving back to Iowa, and the month after that, Chad followed as well. We ended up dating for two years, and the only reason we separated was because he had to move back to Nebraska due to unforeseen circumstances.. we finally broke it off in the middle of the summer of '07.

In 2008, I started talking with a guy that worked in the dairy department, and we hung out more and more regularly on breaks and outside of work. Tall, dark, handsome, athletic.. a sight for sore eyes. We ended up having many an 'occasion' together.. I would've been quite content with that arrangement, considering that I was done having relationships for the time being.. except our desires of what came out of the physical aspect didn't match. He wanted a certain act regularly, and I wasn't for it. So, it kinda fizzled out slowly, as the days grew shorter and the leaves left the trees.

During that season's holiday card addressing, I felt the urge to look up an old friend and send him a card saying hi and hoping all was well. I had known Toby since I was very little, but had lost touch with him for a few years. The card did end up making it right to his mailbox, and we started hanging out and getting reaqcainted. We started dating Januray 6th of last year, and went until Christmas Eve, when everything came to a head. I'm not quite ready to go into it all yet, but beginning in the summer, things had started becoming turmoilous. On a side note, Danny came back into the picture a few times over the summer.. on the sly. Doesn't really make me look very good, does it..? :(

However, little did I know, that the new year was going to bring a LOT of changes, new experiences, and new, wonderful people into my life- including Dustin & Crystal..

Hello there!

Welcome to my new little place on the web!

A lot of changes have been going on within me in the last three to four months. I decided to start writing again, and documenting my thoughts, feelings & observations as my life progresses and I explore who I am & what I want to become more in depth. I did have another place that I had been writing, but unfortunately it seems to have been hijacked & no longer accessible by me.

Although that discovery bummed me out & saddened me that the only full written record of the last two or three years is lost to me forever, another part of me thinks that it works out well. I feel as though I am beginning a new chapter in my life. Starting a new blog site & purging myself of the old without having a chance to lament over old entries, experiences & lost loves/friends is more conducive to moving forward.

Within the future writings that will be contained in this blog, I hope to explore my experiences in life, love and friendships... Please feel free to comment & leave your input on anything that strikes a chord!