Woohoo! 2nd time is a charm!

If nothing unforeseen messes it up, this is the phone that a certain someone's getting me for Christmas!! Yay!! Just a few more weeks of this quickly deteriorating thing I have, and then it's being downgraded to a music player/backup! ...Or smashed with a hammer, I haven't yet decided..

http://www.motorola.com/us/consumers/Motorola-ATRIX-4G/72112,en_US,pd.html

Brain freezes & light bulb moments don't mix well..

I may sound a bit disjointed this go round, I'm sorry. I know what I want to write about, I have the thoughts in mind.. but for some reason they're not wanting to meld seamlessly like they usually do. But hopefully the gist of it comes out...

So, I've pretty much weened myself off of Facebook, looking through my entries, it seems to be over a month since I first clicked the 'Deactivate Account' button. And for the most part, I haven't missed it. I have checked back a few times, for maybe two minutes a time-just to see if anything has changed, or if there was big developments that I've missed since I've gotten out of the loop.

And tonight was finally an occurrence of major developments going unknown by me. You see, there's this person that I met/started talking to in earnest a couple months ago. I wanted to get to know them better, maybe become close, see where the friendship might go (or fizzle). They were just getting through a breakup, from someone I had known.

They might not have had  no clue what was going through my thoughts. Heck, even I didn't know until recently. But, either way it's where the thing of my shyness and 'slow to warm up' personality comes into play. See, ever since I was little, school would start at the end of August and it would take me months to warm up to the other kids. By the time I was finally forging friendships, summer break would hit and then, if they didn't live near me, I would basically have to start all over the next school year.

Anyway, back to the 'major' development. This person and I were talking A LOT, constant texting every day for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to have just dropped off. Bouts of sickness, work, busy schedules on both our ends seemed to be the culprit. (And what was 'blamed' as the cause.) But, I randomly signed on tonight to see in my news feed that they and their ex have reunited back into a relationship. And they had mentioned that they had met with them a few times recently. Which, connecting in my mind with a previous blog discussion about people seeming to only want to use me to fill the void until they work things out with whomever, seems to make the absence of texts I'm getting make sense.

I can recall several instances where it seemed as though I was truly being used as a 'seat filler' until the person they wanted in that particular spot of their lives came back. And this seems to fit the mold of those times.

What do you guys think? First, can you make sense of what my poor brain is trying to say? Second, do you ever experience things like this? How did you proceed with the acknowledgement when you realized what was going on- did you confront or just shrug your shoulders, thinking 'oh well, their loss.'?

Okay, so that was a interruption worth having!

Since multiple factors (Megan being off this weekend, him needing a ride, etc.) all combined into Nick and I having some one on one time tonight, as opposed to later this weekend, my normal 'work, pet stuff, reading, bed' routine was interrupted. But totally worth it, I'm content right now!

Lots of Pawn Stars/American Pickers/etc. episodes, a stolen piece of pizza off his plate, and cuddling on the couch.. and just now making it home. Good thing tomorrow (later today?) is my Friday! I think I should put an energy drink in arm's reach for when my alarm goes off. Speaking of which, bed here I come!

Very nice evening had, and not too bad a day

Best evening I've had since I got really sick last week, following a pretty decent day, health-wise!

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. (Which is every morning, the real test is when I start moving around.) But the good, energetic feeling stuck around for a good portion of the day.. once it kicked in.. which was after some breakfast, some TV off of the DVR, some lunch, and some Daily Show episodes.

Slowly, but steadily, I picked up and did a little cleaning in every room.. took far longer than usual and I did less than I usually get done on a typical Sunday. But at least the house looked a little better! The stairs only started to kick my butt near the end of my cleaning..

Now onto the pleasant surprise of a nice evening.. Nick and I hadn't had time to ourselves for a few weeks, so he invited me over. Which isn't that unusual, Sunday's are pretty much our "unofficial" night each week. On the way over, Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar" came on the radio.. Aweeeesooooommee! That's almost always a good sign.

I get inside, and Jon Stewart's "Night of Too Many Stars" was playing on the TV, about twenty minutes in. Which made me very excited, because I had forgotten to put it on my DVR's recording list. But kind of bummed, because I missed a good chunk of it.

Nick's sweetness kicked in then, when he shared some YUMMY chocolates with me. Within the next hour, he was sweet and funny and teasing, and VERY accommodating. Which was very much different than he's been the last few days... but very nice :-) That might mean that his typical mood/thought cycle has made another round and his charming self is back instead of his asinine self. I can hope, yes?

Now back to Jon Stewart's charity program and another example of unexpected sweetness. Even though he'd already seen the first part of the program, which would usually mean he'd change it once it restarted, he just let it play until it hit back to the part it was at when I walked in.

Then he switched to Netflix, and the first thing I pointed out, he switched on. (Which was Kathy Griffin's "Tired Hooker".. love her!) I had started to get tired and my stomach was slightly upset, so I laid down on the sofa while he made some brownies. Which helped him deliver a totally unasked for, unexpected, and wonderful massage that helped me feel better.

A little more TV and that was my wonderful and relaxing evening. And now time for sleep and hopefully nice dreams!

The Pivotal Point Between 'Like' and 'Love'

Okay. I've been thinking about relationships, and love. The latter, as you may recall, I am not in a believing state of right now.

More specifically, I've been wondering about what makes a person go from 'liking' someone to 'loving' them? I know it's not a conscious decision or, dear lord, shouldn't be, but what mentally 'clicks' and makes the leap?

Like, my ex-fiance. Nope, never did love him. I think the whole, 'Dating a month, he gives me a promise ring..dating three months he tries giving me an engagement ring (which I managed to refuse for at least a year..), going psychotic and stalking me when I tried breaking it off, yeah that didn't lend well to the cause.

Or the guy I dated before that, which was the complete opposite for me. I had just started working at Wal-Mart. He was an unloader, who I kinda flirted with back and forth with for a little while. Then, I remember it pretty clearly, (scary how so, really,). I was looking at the schedule board after a break, and he came up to me and said, "You know, I've not done this before, but would you like to have dinner this weekend?"

Knowing him since, I totally call b.s. on this one (not doing it before), but I didn't know any better then! Anyway..

A couple months later, we were dating. We went to break together. After break, when we were going in two different directions to work, I wasn't thinking about anything consciously, when I said, "Love you, later!"

And we BOTH stopped in our tracks. Me, because apparently something went haywire in my brain and him, because well, that's obvious. He asked, "What did you just say?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. I should go to work now.." I tried to just move on from that.. but he wouldn't let me for a few minutes.. evil, evil bastard had too much fun with it. Fast forward a bit of dating history, and..

Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. We're friends now, and it's kind of scary he's evolved into a married family guy.. totally at odds with what I knew him as in the beginning!

Now, back from memory lane to the topic at hand. How does it work for you? Do you sit down and think about things? Do you just follow your heart and exclude your brain?

Are you like me, and don't let yourself believe in it? Or are you the total opposite, and fall right away?

I'm so very curious, and people fascinate me. I'd love your input, dear friends!

Teardrops On My Guitar-Taylor Swift

"...She better hold him tight/Give him all her love/Look in those beautiful eyes/And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar/The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star/He's the song in the car I keep singing/Don't know why I do..."

Close-mindedness is great material for laughing fits!

*laughing to myself*

I find it a riot the people's reactions when they hear about my dating arrangement. I'm talking about the reactions they have, that they don't even realize~before they become aware and mask them.

Another example was just today. *laughing again as I remember it*. I was at work, when my Aunt and her 'lovely' friend came up behind me. This is the same friend of hers that I cannot stand, she's very loud, opinionated (which would be fine if she had any sort of facts or anything to back them up), and just tries to bowl over you in conversation whenever you try to offer up your own ideas. This is also the same lady that has on a few occasions tried to get my mother fired by pretending she was stiffed in some way or wasn't helped fast enough. She's done the same thing to me once or twice as well..Not even cool, especially when we've known this lady forever.

Anyway. They came up behind me as I was working on resetting the costume jewelry. They were both in the motorized carts, (that I truly believe neither one needs.. they just like the special 'aide'.) We start chit-chatting how they don't like the new store arrangement, how my department has shrunk, yadayada.

Then the funny part. My aunt goes, "I really like your necklace!" To which, I went, "Oh yeah. you don't know about my dating thing yet, huh?'"

'No.... I haven't heard.' She replied.

"My boyfriend's wife gave me this. She actually gave me quite a few pieces of jewelry a couple days ago of stuff that she didn't want anymore."

*commence the few seconds of jaw dropping.*

(Internally I am just cracking up at this point. It's freakin' hilarious to me, that in this century people are still so set on the one on one 'traditional' man-woman one on one relationship/marriage.)

Then my Aunt's friend started to say all sorts of off the wall things, and assumptions to which I was going to start defending, but realized it would just be pointless, so I acted like I REALLY needed to get back to work right then.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And, for the record, I just want to say.. it's just like any other dating relationship. He just has a wife is all. He's awesome to me, gives me all the attention I need, there's usually constant texting, hanging out, takes me out occasionally.. and if you look at the guys I've dated in the past, (one psychotic stalker ex-fiance', one drunkard with sticky fingers and other DEEP issues, and two boyfriends that went to other chicks and got them pregnant while we were supposedly dating 'exclusively', just to name a few;) then he's a real good catch. And it's been about nine months now.. so SOMETHING'S being done right!

(and yes, she knows he has girlfriends.. If I understand correctly, she's the one that gave him permission in the first place to date!)

I promise..

..I haven't forgotten about my dear reader(s)! Life has just been soooo very hectic lately, and I've been so very exhausted for much of it, that there is no brain power left at the end of the day (or even the middle of it!).

I do have tomorrow off, so I hope to be able to post something (or maybe even a few somethings!) for you!

Meantime, I'm gonna do a half-assed 'half assed post', idea courtesy of Simple Dude at http://www.thesimpledude.com/.. (AWESOME blogger, you should really check him out!)

and here is the topic of the night.. I was chatting (like always) with my man, and we were discussing our 'lists of five'- you know, five celebrities you could sleep with if given the chance. He gave me five guys (umm.. he's completely straight lmao!) which were Elton John, George Michaels, David Bowie, Chad Kroeger and Patrick Stewart. But when I asked him what his list of chick celebrities would be, he just replied it'd be too long of a list! LMAO

Anyway, dear reader.. if you were wondering what my lists would be (trusting you haven't fallen asleep from my rambling, that is!) here they are, in no particular order:

Guy Celebrities:
1.)Brad Pitt
2.)Jason Michael Carrol
3.)Toby Keith
4.)Johnny Depp
5.)Trent Reznor

Chick Celebrities:
1.)Jennifer Aniston
2.)Courtney Cox
3.)Jenna Elfman
4.)Helena Bonham Carter (You know, that chick from Sweeney Todd and Fight Club)
5.)Britney Spears (yeah, when she's taking care of herself and not crazy)

So, dear readers... have you ever thought about what celebrities you'd definitely get with? Care to share one, two (or all?)

Miss Independent-willingly or just for survival?

With some things currently going on in my life, I got to thinking about how my friends say (or just know) that I am so independent and say that I need to let others lend support and a helping hand more often.

But, the other disjointed thought with that is: am I independent because I WANT to be? Or because I've learned that I HAVE to be?

I have yet to find someone that is willing to go the extra mile and be there when I really need something (usually more emotional or mental support than anything tangible). I mean, I have my awesome best friend of 20 years, Jenny.. but I'm talking about in the dating realm. It just seems easier to trudge along counting on only myself to get through whatever, and deal with issues on my own rather than to cross my fingers and hope that the person I am dating will come through when I really need them to.

Brownie points scored! :P

Here's what my awesome boyfriend gave me for Valentine's Day.. so thoughtful! I honestly wasn't expecting anything.. so he totally racked up a few brownie points with them :P (Which doesn't mean much, really.. because he can piss me off or annoy me, and somehow fix it within five minutes--grrr!)

Meh.. Happy Hallmark holiday everyone

Is it wrong to think that I should be being pampered and exchanging loving or at least adoring (Remember, I don't do love anymore..) attention with someone right now?

Instead of cleaning house, making dinner for family and later going to be curling up and watching a few episodes of House, before taking a self-lit candle-lit shower and curling up to episodes of Friends before falling asleep?

Or is this just the effect of working retail, and seeing those love-y commercials on the TV, and hearing about the sweet things friends are doing for each other all building up to make an unrealistic desire in my own mind?

Having a hard time getting over someone..

I wish I could rewind time, and make up with someone that I spent many an awesome time with last year.. but I can't. And it sucks.

My best friend told me that it'd get better, and I'd move past it, and it's his loss. But seriously, she's been my best friend for twenty years, she's a bit biased and is supposed to say stuff like that.

How do others in this situation move on, and forget about someone? I can't see how others do it, pretend that someone else just doesn't exist anymore and have no urge to talk to them or to try to make things better and move on.

Constructive suggestions are totally welcome...

New Year, but same rut :(

I've been thinking lately, and wondering how I could have so screwed up a friendship with someone that I care about deeply so badly that it seems far past being fixable?

It seems the more I try to make amends, the worse it becomes. Every time, I think there's no possible way to make it worse~somehow I do.


We just had such AMAZING chemistry and got along wonderfully from the first time we met.. most people who know me, know I don't allow myself to feel much for others or believe in 'soul mates', but with this person I felt like I had known him for centuries, and through many past lives... And there's only been a few people, friends or otherwise, who I've EVER felt that way about.. and I am still friends with them, after 10-15-20 years. But somehow, in nine months time, I went from actually meeting him on here to being de-friended by him in both real-life and apparently on facebook..


I don't know..maybe I am just a sucky friend.. too selfish, self-centered? Is there no hope for me? It seems to me that he's already moved on from even our friendship, and I'm stuck moping for what I wrecked. I know there are far too many situations I could'a handled better, things I could;a explained better, or even said at all..

He always made me tongue-tied though, made my heart skip a beat.. and I am so very sorry for the horribly way I treated him. I miss his friendship :(

Not here, nope. Not feelin' it

oh crap.. no, no, feelings are not allowed to be felt or even to develop in any capacity. this is no good, and will only lead to hurt and pain, and falling off a cliff (you know, like mentally..not physically.. that'd be freakin' bad..) *knocks my head against the table*

98 Degrees- The Hardest Thing

This is playing pretty regularly in my head.. reminiscent of a situation that is ongoing in my life right now.

Adoration, not love

I don't do love.

I mean, I do do love. I like love. It's okay in my book.

But I don't bother trying to love who I date, because I have fallen already... but that is not in the stars to work out. And I see no justification (?) in attempting to love another, knowing that I'd feel like a fraud when I know who I'd want to be with in a heartbeat if it was possible.

So, really..

I show love for my pup-(unconditional) and friend's (not expected to be more than what it is.)

I adore who I date, and don't just date anyone, or pick random 'joes'.. I still only seek out those with whom I have connections with or feel close to.

Just wanted to clarify..

Just a quick inquiry tonight for you, dear reader..

I'm off to bed, but I have a writing topic rattling around my head and wanted to ask what everyone thought about this related idea- What do you think, do you think everyone has 'one true love' that they'll find eventually? Or do you think there is more than one person for everyone, just dependent on the place and time that you're at in your life? Or do you believe something else entirely?

Yeah..so..

I must confess something, at least to myself.. It's not that I hate children, like I tell everyone (and tell myself), but that I do like the little rugrats. A lot. And I want one or two. Before I'm too old.

But it's easier to just say and tell friends, family, and boyfriends that I don't want them at all, and be in apparent agreement with them, then to admit that it hurts that men will go to EXTREME lengths to make sure I won't become pregnant with their child. I'm sure (or at least hope) that it's because they don't want kids, and want to prevent it from happening to them.. but it FEELS like they're thinking that I'm good enough to have sex with, but repulsive enough that they don't want to chance any chance of longterm connections with me. I'm sure it's over-reacting on my part, but I can't help how I feel about it.

And no, I'm not crazy enough to try to make it happen anyway, like some of those insane stories you read or hear about.. women tricking men into it doesn't make them women at all-but irresponsible little girls. I'll just take whatever life throws at me, and hope that someday it works out that I can have a child or two of my own. And, if I'm a single mom eventually, it'll be okay. My momma made it work when she was left alone with my infant brother in the 70's, with nothing but a suitcase a piece and his carrier. I know many friends doing it, (some not so well, but at least they haven't given up yet).

And yes, I know, dear reader.. my life is FAR from ideal.. but there's not an ideal time to have it happen ever. There's always a shortage of money, resources, etc..

But, like I said.. I'm NOT going to try to make it happen consciously.. and will continue to take precautions against it happening.. I just needed to get this out. And, I am quite happy with the dating arrangement that I have. He's awesome to me, and I still get my own time and space. It works.

In regards to a recurring pattern with a few friends..

I hate it when I feel like I'm just a filler for someone until something better comes along.. be it relationships, plan making, or time using... Once is understandable, twice.. hmmm, okay... but three times in a short time? Nuhuh.. I'm more valuable and deserve better than that.. at least I have always been able to count on Jen for the last twenty years! :P

Society's unreasonable norms & expectations..

I’m so confused by society’s norms, rules & expectations anymore.

There are so many things that dictate who you can love, where you can love, and how you can express your love and desire, affections and passion for another human being that it’s not even funny.

Really… Am I the only one that has a problem with this?

First of all, according to modern day American society, you are only allowed to marry one other person, even with great strides recently it is still really only accepted as a person of the opposite sex. If you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, you are constantly on (high) alert for acts of unacceptance, jokes, snide comments, & on… & on… You are also subject to what is really unwarranted feelings and ideas that you need to live ‘within the norm’, and build your life accordingly because you worry about how your friends, family, neighbors would accept what you really want. For example:

A man being attracted to only other males, but his father has always put down and been verbally assaultive towards other members of society who express these desires & act on them- so he never ‘comes out of the closet’-- and thus, not to mention that feelings of self-hatred and depression would often be by-products, he is robbed of the happiness he deserves to find.
A woman discovers herself to be bisexual, but due to reactions of her immediate family to her aunt being a lesbian, never officially dates another woman--and never feels complete happiness & satisfaction in relationships.
A group of three people, two women & a man, discovering that they have immense attraction to each of the others, and connect so well on many of the levels that people look for, but do not pursue a relationship because of fear of how to announce such a arrangement to family, friends & society in general, and how it will be accepted or not-- are cheated out of a possible way to fulfillment and happiness that isn’t ‘allowed’.

Yes, I know, in several places, the laws are being changed to allow for same sex marriages, but if you really think about it, it’s far from REALLY being accepted. There are still stories routinely in the news about people being discriminated, beaten and even killed for pursuing what makes them happy, fulfilled and able to completely be themselves. Also, not in the news, but in everyday life… Everywhere you turn, if you listen close enough, you can hear discriminatory jokes, statements and attitudes that can breed unacceptance, contempt and hatred towards people of different orientations.

Who decided that the best way was a mom & dad, 2.2 kids, and a dog in suburbia America? Why not 2 men with an adopted child? Why not a woman in two separate public relationships-with one woman & one man? Why not a man in a relationship with a woman in a relationship with another woman? WHO SET THESE IDEALS??

And who dictated that that was the ONLY form of acceptable relationship? Who says that this is the only way for society to be successful and prosperous?

There are several different ‘types’ of relationships. What about those people who feel absolutely wonderful & happy in a relationship with not one, but two other people? Why is there such a stigma attached to this idea? So, there are three people very close to one another that share an incredible attraction and bond with one another… Why does the number matter?

Or, say for instance, a man who desires to have two wives? Why is this wrong? So, he goes home to two women & not one… What makes the difference to people outside the household?

Enough with the issue that you aren’t allowed by society to be with who you want to be with. What about showing that love in public? I’m not talking about the inability to go full fledged naked and have sex with your partner in the public’s eye… But the simple act of holding hands or giving a kiss, for instance. I’m 25, and still sometimes hear the kiddies remarks of ‘Go get a room’ or ‘Can’t you wait until you get home?’ when someone walks by with their partner… and heaven forbid, that partner is same sex! I can NOT believe the close-minded, disgusting remarks that I’ve heard co-workers make when that happens to occur!

I have a couple of co-workers that I greatly admire for doing what makes them happy, even though I know that it must be hard for them sometimes. When I met them, one worked in Stationary, and the other in candy. They apparently hit it off very well, for they started dating… which sounds like any other relationship, except that he is married. This revelation started the whole store buzzing, and snide comments were flying around like nothing else. Then, she learned she was expecting his child- which she actually just gave birth to the little one this last week- and they were ecstatic.

You know the best part? His wife knows all about her, and totally is cool with it. I personally admire them for going after what makes them happy & content… They know what other associates are saying about them, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS! They don’t bother trying to hide anything, I’ve seen them walking around the store hand in hand, I’ve seen the ‘naked’ love for each other on their faces, I’ve seen them kiss… it’s just positively inspiring to me.

Going back to my statement that I wasn’t talking about full-fledged intimacy with your lover in public… Maybe I DO mean to include that… What makes that wrong? Is there something so horribly wrong with seeing the human body in its true form? Why is sex so taboo? Maybe not going so far as too having sex up against a car in a parking lot… But what’s with the idea that even at home, the drapes must be pulled before engaging in activity? The body is a beautiful thing; the act is a part of nature… If you are a little shy or insecure about how you look, why might that be? Maybe a personal trait that you were born with, but couldn’t it also be a way that society is…? The messages that you hear from society is that sex is bad, (yet they use it to sell EVERYTHING,), you shouldn’t show too much skin or you’ll be slutty (yet, what do you see EVERYWHERE in advertising?), anyone would feel confused after receiving all the mixed messages in media!

This writing, (well, rant if you want to call it that,) all started with just a few thoughts that have been rattling around m head for a little while now-mostly subconsciously for awhile. For some reason they came up to the forefront of my mind a few days ago, and have been accumulating on one another until now. It all started with the one thought, “Why is it always assumed that if you do have a soul mate, that the number is always one?” Are you not allowed two..? Three..? People change over their lifespan, what if you grow away from the person you feel at one with..? Does that mean you’re screwed for the rest of your life?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume that you have multiple soul mates, if you believe in such a thing? One for each stage in your life? So that, if and when you ‘outgrew’ one, than you have another waiting sometime in the future?

And if that is the case, why couldn’t you have more than one soul mate, at the same point in your life?

What if you don’t believe in soul mates at all? What then? Are you doomed to wander the Earth alone for your time here? Do you just find one person after another that suits your fancy? What would make a person of this belief truly happy?

Another question… Does believing in soul mates mean that you believe in the existence of souls? And that opens the whole can of worms regarding god, religion and what happens after you die…